Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

can men and women be friends? what should i do?

Community Member

I'm 19 years old and ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years. everything's been great but i find it hard to make friends. I was the quiet girl at school who had a few friends but never felt good enough.

I recently met a boy at my work, and our bond was instant, it was a great feeling having a really close friend. I was not attracted to him at all, I only saw him as a friend. I was so over the moon, we would talk after work till 1 am. we talked so much i basically forgot about my own family and boyfriend. He would also write me funny letters at work and sent one to my home address.

My friend was going though a lot at the time after losing a close friend, I would walk to his place to comfort him and make sure he was ok, at times he would storm out and drive away with out saying a word. He also had a fear of being lonely so we became very attached to each other but in a friendship way. My boyfriend was out of town one day so i went to my friends place to watch tv, and it was all innocent. I kept this from my boyfriend cause i knew he wouldn't let me and i shouldn't have done it in the first place, my boyfriend eventually found out and got very angry.

our friendship continued and we would shop on our days off, he really knew how to make me feel happy and special. After 2 month of hanging out my friend told me he has feelings for me but it didn't really bother me. After we finished our shifts together he would get really sad and tell me he doesn't want me to go so i would stay cause i felt bad, but he would still leave up set which made me upset. there would be days where he makes me so happy then really sad and it really effected my emotions at home. he started buying me really expensive gifts like handbags, sunglasses and watches because he knew i liked to get spoilt and knew my boyfriend didn't spoil me.

He then started saying how much he loves me and is really jealous of my boyfriend which makes me feel terrible cause there is nothing i can do to help him. he would then tell me that its to much for him and that he will have to push me away and change his number which made me heart broken. I guess i did have some feelings for him but i couldn't see my self in a relationship with him. My boyfriend forced me to stop talking to him out side of work because he believes he is messing with my head but i didn't take this to well. is my boyfriend right?

i'm scared to lose my best friend or my boyfriend. Is my boyfriend just over thinking?

what do i do?

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

This is common, so much so that as soon as I started reading your second paragraph I knew the rest of your story.

There is room for a better balance then how you've gone about it. Yes men and women can be friends but when one of you is in a relationship there are boundaries, unwritten as it is, they are known to most people. I think you have exceeded those boundaries and you tend to know it as you kept your visit to this boy secret.

If I was your boyfriend I'd be very upset. For example- most of my friends are female yet I'm a 63yo male. My wife and the 3 long term relationships before her have always trusted me. If I visited a female friends home without my wife and that woman was single or alone I would tell her I wanted to visit for such and such a reason but I didn't know you were alone- I'll come back another time.

One time my wifes female friend whom lived alone, ha a smoke alarm malfunction, making noises. My wife said I'd visit and fix it. I visited alone and fixed it in two minutes then she asked if I wanted a coffee. Nope, thanks, I'll get back home. That takes all the gossiping out of my visit, any possible suspicion has no grounds.

I think this young man friend of yours made it obvious when he bought you gifts. Alarm bells should have gone off then. If you were interested in this guy for a BF you should have broken off with your boyfriend there and then. You said "I guess i did have some feelings for him but i couldn't see my self in a relationship with him." Your problem here is that you didn't realise what feelings he had for you!!

I hope you realise that your boyfriend has good grounds for being hurt. A lesson learned


Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Hushwolf99~

I guess I'd have to agree with TonyWK, men and women can be freinds, but there are boundaries. Liking someone is fine however things have now grown to the extent where your BF is unhappy, and your friend has assumed too much and is going to be hurt. You say yourself you cannot see being with him in a relationship.

It happens, and I don't think it is any fault of yours, except possibly a lack of experience, so that when now you see the signs things have already gone further than you might wish.

Do you think the best thing to say to your friend might be there is no chance of a relationship? It might be kindest in the long run.

You did say too" I kept this from my boyfriend cause i knew he wouldn't let me and i shouldn't have done it in the first place"

Well I guess that is another time to learn from experience. Being frank and open with a BF, or a partner, is not only fair, it is the very best way to ensure a relationship lasts.

I'm sorry, I see no easy way out of this other than making a decision and carrying it out.