Can Love Your Family,But Don’t Have to like them as People

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I have been told by many people including mental health professionals,that you can love your family members, but don’t have to actually like them as people. Or even choose them as friends or people you would interact with otherwise.

 I am finding this very truthful at the moment. Throughout the years, I have consistently lowered my expectations and they still haven’t been met. And if I were to label them from an outsiders pov, narcissistic,debasing, gaslighting,enabling and the ability to not be empathetic would be words I’d use to describe some of my family.

Sometimes I have come to accept that this is a certain aspect of this person and still find a way to love them,knowing they won’t change. It hurts and it takes some time to come to terms with.

What are your experiences/thoughts on this titled topic?

And when if you wouldn’t stand for it from a friend or acquaintance,do you not stand for it from family?

And then what choices do you have?

Thank you.

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear sbella02,

Your view point on unconditional love was interesting.Do you believe it doesn’t exist?

What about with a pet who you see as family? Something very innocent and unblemished by the human psychie.

 I completely understand that you should look after yourself,but family is so complicated.

But you have answered what I asked,so thank you.

ABC01

[smallwolf]

Here is the story about the sheep ...

A farmer owned a sheep and in the morning, the farmer would let the sheep into the paddock to nibble at the grass. By the end of each day the sheep would be at the other end of the paddock. When the farmed called the sheep back it would run back a smooth winding path that it had created over time. 

One day, the sheep thought to itself... if I could go in a straight line I would get to the other end much faster. And so, the sheep tried. However there were a few problems - the ground was uneven, there were sharp stones and stick in the way and these were hidden by the longer grass. While it took less time, the sheep felt sorry about the damage sustained.

The next day, the sheep reverted to the older and winding path. While smoother, it took longer than liked. But the smoother path was more comfortable. 

On the 3rd day, the sheep acknowledged the direct route was much quicker and despite the "pain" went in a straight line back to the farmer at the end of the day. In the process, some of the rocks and sticks would be kicked away from the path.

This flip-flopping between the new path and the old path happened for a number of days. And each time the older path would become a little more overgrown and little rocks and sticks would get in the way. At the same time, a new path was becoming smoother - running from one end to the other would kick rocks off the path and grass would become flatter and disappear in parts.  Sometimes the sheep would use the old path 2 or 3 days straight, and other times would use the new(er) path for a number of days straight.

One day, while running from one end of the paddock to the other at the end of the day and using the old path, the sheep noticed or felt this path was no longer the same. It was just as hard if not harder than the more direct route and resolved to new the new path the next day...

From the next day, the sheep went via the direct route to the gate to meet the farmer. As time passed, the older path became overgrown and looked the same as the rest of the paddock. The new path on the other hand became smooth (as the older path once was)... the sheep had made a new path to use.

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

Thank you for sharing the sheeps whole story.

I understand it,but also don’t.

Is it,that is was uncomfortable to make the new path in the beginning,running back to the farmer with sharp things on the path,but soon the path became smooth and the old path became part of the landscape because it was no longer used.

Was it meant to imply that new paths maybe hard and uncomfortable at first, but once we do them for a spell,they become easy. And the sometimes destructive paths can be left behind and overgrown by disuse?

ABC01

[smallwolf]

one way of looking at the story is that it is about changing the way we can think about things (or handle situations) and change the pathways in our brains.

part of the reason I was told this story was that I was (am?) a black and white thinker. I am getting better at it. And when something went wrong, with a black and white thinker's mind, felt that I reset and was not getting better and never would. 

so with this story ... relapses occur and that's ok. And it is not the end of the world. And as you said, making changes are hard and uncomfortable. But over time, it can get easier. The old path is the how we used to do things.

for example, I was a not assertive person and just accept what someone said to me. So practicing being assertive initially is hard, as we (read I) are not used to it. At this point, I can keep trying to give up. Giving up is like (?) going back to the old path. It can happen. Then we try and be assertive again.

Hope that makes sense.

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

That makes perfect sense.

 I too used to be a black and white thinker. It is a family trait passed on through upbringing.

I have since learned there are all shades of gray and that the picture is much bigger if I ask others opinions on the same topic. Even if I don’t agree with their opinion.

As a black or white thinker if things went wrong, I would blame myself and believe I was a lesser adult. I was stupid. I now know that isn’t the case. I too have learned boundaries and how to be assertive, in the right circumstances and with certain people.

Relapses occur and that is okay. Thank you for that today. Just that sentence. I needed that so much.

 I hope you have a good day smallwolf.

ABC01

[smallwolf]

I hope your weekend is OK or even GOOD! 

In the time I have been seeing my psychs (yes!) one thing I have learnt is that we each have to work out our own ways of coping. And perhaps the story I told you might be ok for you also.

[sbella02]

ABC01,

I don't think I'd say it doesn't exist, but with humans I think it's more complicated that being unconditional - we all have a "breaking point" of how much we will tolerate with regards to being treated badly by others. I think that love involves a conscious commitment, and sometimes we must break that commitment of "love" if there's a point or an event where we feel as if our unconditional love has been betrayed. I know many people who have stopped communicating with various family members because they've had enough of being treated badly, for instance. 

I think that love for pets can absolutely be unconditional. I love my pets no matter what. 

How are you feeling now?

SB

[blondguy]

Hello ABC01

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Blue family too!

I loved my dad as my father ( and may he rest in peace) yet I never really liked him as a person

A very good thread topic ABC01.....well done!

my kindest

Paul

[ABC01]

Dear sbella02,

I think I am preparing to leave my family. As in home. Mentally I always thought I’d stay with them at home and look after them as they are getting older. They have never forced me to leave. But now, I think I need to find a way out. As an adult I need the space to be myself and also live life my own way. I also think our ethics, values and beliefs are very different. I may not need anymore stress from that then I do get. And if I don’t start making moves now,when they do pass,what am I going to do?

But I am scared to do it. Firstly, I need to figure out how I am even going to do it logistically. Unfortunately money doesn’t grow on trees and the housing crisis is something to consider. Someone close to me can’t find a rental and they are working full time and earning solid money. And feeling safe on my own is another factor.

Small steps to start off with. And see where they even take me. I may not be able to leave.

My family aren’t bad people,but purpose and direction, I need it. And some of the behaviours I put up with,maybe I shouldn’t have too.

So…. i guess mentally preparing is my first step.

Thank you for asking,

ABC01

[smallwolf]

Heh there ABC01...

In your last post you mentioned having different ethics, values, beliefs etc. This is something I can relate to. While I can accept (?) the way I was raised, it is something I promised (to myself at least) that I would not do the same. In effect, I did an about 180 degree turn. In that respect I hope I am more open, welcoming etc. To be on the other side, or the receiving really sucks. What I am trying to say is that it's OK and can be good to different. For myself the downside was that I felt I could not truly be myself. I am learning (still) that only when I can be that person that I have a chance of happiness.

Be you. I'm listening...