Can a mans depression end a long term love for good or is there hope for us?

Jessa004 · ‎06-01-2017

I really need advice I'm so heartbroken. I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 years. We have the kind of bond that seemed Unbreakable, he is my legitimate best friend in the world, I'm confident I am that person for him also. We both come from families where we don't really feel understood.During our time together we have broken up a few times With the longest time with no contact being 6 months in which he moved away to the snow in NSW (we live in QLD) towards the end of that trip he told me he had made a mistake and that he was still In love with me and he was so depressed there that he actually contemplated suicide. We have had our ups and downs but we finally were back together he told me he knew that he fully loved me and we decided to move out together with another roommate. He had his hesitations because he said he still wanted to travel and do snow seasons, it's not that I didn't want to do it too but I am a more rational thinker and I was starting to think about making a proper life and career, he seemed to be on bored with moving out and excited though. Anyway we moved out I noticed he started to get depression quite bad, he has suffered from this almost our whole relationship but now that I was living with him I noticed it so much. I'm afraid to mention this because I don't want to be judged but he also has had a bad weed addiction on and off for years, I've had my issues with it too but I'm no where near as bad as he is. I believe it broke us up once before and we promised never to get involved with it again. But it just happened overtime because all of his friends are the same way.And with his depression I think he used it to cope. He got so bad, he was on annual leave and just smoked morning til night numbing himself not leaving the house I became concerned and I started to I guess nag him about it, I told him I didn't like it and that it upset me to see him like this. I went shopping the other day and came home to him packing his bags. He told me he didn't love me the same anymore and he can't stay here he needs to go be in the snow and he's only moved out for me. He said he can't make me happy and that he doesn't know what's wrong with him. I love him so much and I'm so worried about him. He has cut everyone off including me, I don't know what to do. I'm giving him space but how long should I give? I want to support him, I know he is in a bad place. It was only a few weeks ago that we had really romantic moments so I'm really confused.

Jessa004 · ‎06-01-2017

I should also note that he knew I didn't want to smoke weed anymore. I developed a habit too but I was unhappy with it, I didn't want that lifestyle and I had mentioned to him that because he was still doing it, it influenced me to do it too. I wish I never said that I wish I was just strong enough and lead by example. I think he's pushed me away because he knew his issues were getting me down too. All I wanted to do was help him but I think it came across selfishly. I'm so afraid he will do something stupid if he goes and travels alone again. It terrifies me. If going back there is something he needs to do how can I communicate that we don't have to brake up for him to do that. I'd be willing to go to for him or possibly stay here and just visit. I dont want to push him or overwhelm him by asking to get back together right now. But I want to support him more than ever, I can't stand the thought of him dealing with this alone. He's staying at his parents place but I know he doesn't feel supported by them usually and his cut all of his friends off. I'm not coping at all with this, I feel like I've lost a apart of me. But I care more about him than I do about me at the moment. I feel like I've failed him. I just didn't know how to help him get out of his depression. I wish he could have had an honest talk with me about how he didn't like living where we are. It's so changeable I don't understand why he's given up on us.

geoff · ‎06-01-2017

hi Jessa, to be honest your relationship has broken up a couple of times, and you only know how much a person is when you start living with them, all those hidden secrets finally come out, and may shock you or pleasantly please you, however what he does do is smoke weed and by doing this before, it broke the two of you up, and he won't stop until he has made his own mind up, that there is more to the world than weed.
If he is in denial because he's self medicating with weed, then unfortunately the relationship won't last, so there has to be huge adjustment to how he wants to live with you, if this happens.
He needs to understand that weed is not going to help his weed addiction, but at the moment I don't think he wants to believe this, so is another fault to make your relationship survive. Geoff.

Jessa004 · ‎07-01-2017

thanks for responding geoff its much appreciated. he has since text me explaining how sorry he is to hurt me like this and he basically just kept repeating that he cant be with me when he's like this. i'm finding it very difficult to step away and try to move on from him. i know what a great guy he is and i know this depression isn't the real him. there have been times where hes gone months without smoking weed and actualy started to get fit and focus on more postive things, so i know he has it in him it just sucks he has to end our relationship and potentially move continent to do so. would you suggest i just check in with a little text here and there so he knows im still here for him? or should i just let him be for a while?

Quiettall · ‎08-01-2017

Hi Jess

I feel so sad for you. You are committed and caring yet this guy is abusing your care. If you feel that strongly, the best you can do is stay in contact via the odd text but move on with your life as best you can, by building a new friendship network. I know it is hard to do and easier for me to say it, but once you start, you will feel stronger about yourself, and therefore be in a more rational and stable position to support him, should he return or at least reciprocate your contact.

I have some small sense of how he is, as I left a very loving relationship suddenly to move somewhere else, some time ago now. My partner at the time was heartbroken but kept contact, and eventually we have rekindled and thoroughly rebuilt our relationship based on trust and mutual respect, although we are from 2 entirely different cultures

Hang in there, and keep posting as there are others who would love to offer their support to you through this forum

geoff · ‎09-01-2017

hi Jessa, thanks for replying, but when you think of it people love someone for so many reasons, and then sometimes you maybe able to change that person, probably when the relationship is only new, but as time goes by it becomes much harder to convince someone to change what they are doing either illegally or what you don't want them to do, so there does become a time when you aren't able to be responsible for their actions.
When you think of it alcoholics can go without the grog for any amount of time, but then come back in vengeance being ntoxicated for days on end, the same applies to smoking weed, he can stop for a period of time but then need it once more.
There is no trouble if you want to text him, but I'm not sure that over time he will respond back to you, why, because he hasn't decided that he wants to stop smoking weed, no one can tell an alcoholic to throw away the bottle, this decision has to come from one person and it's him, but I don't think h's anywhere near this stage at the moment.
I'm sorry to say. Geoff. x

Jessa004 · ‎11-01-2017

Thank you for commenting quiettall, I appreciate it so much. I drove past him yesterday and it made me feel so weird, I decided to text him asking if we could talk. We talked for an hour and unfortunately it ended badly. He said he's sick of being in a relationship and always doing what someone else wants to do. We moved out together and apparently he had doubts but did nothing about it other than "see" if his feelings would change over time. This made me incredibly angry cause he so easily could have been honest with me and we could have both worked on it instead of me just see him gradually decline the way he did to the point where he didn't leave the house for 12 days straight

I have experienced him doing this exact same thing before, our last breakup was nearly word for word the same, and the same plans of his to run away again. I feel like he honestly has a deep issue within himself because I know he loves me. There's been too many moments to indicate so over the years I can't explain it with words I just know it in my heart. He's all over the place, only a few months ago he was telling me he loves me so much he would support me financially if I wanted to study. Why would he even suggest that if he was so unhappy with me and our relationship. I believe he has depression and he smokes weed to self medicate but we all know that only makes you feel even more numb.

I would honestly walk away because he so obviously is being selfish. But the fact that he has considered taking his own life while we were separated and he was off "finding himself" in the snow makes it so incredibly difficult to walk away even though it's the best thing for me.

I love him so unconditionally and it's such a shame he doesn't see that. I've read a lot of articles explaining how men deal with depression and they all sound so much like him.

My plan at the moment is to leave him alone for a month to sort himself and his feelings out. But we live together this time and it's so painful for me to lose our life together. I'm not coping at all, I can't even go there, I'm at my parents house and it's making me even more depressed and emphasising how much I miss him because I have family issues and he was pretty much the only person I'm truly close with.

I should also mention his parents are very worried and trying to get him to a doctor but he has refused.

What would you suggest I do? Anything at all would help

Bandit12 · ‎12-01-2017

I'm not sure anything anyone offers is going to feel like the right thing to do. Unfortunately, even despite what he's going through.. You can now only think about yourself. I am struggling with the exact same thing right now. My ex (of 9 days) is ripping my heart in two and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it-trust me I've tried. My ex says he loves me but doesn't feel in love anymore, yet we were in love and happy even in November and I thought December was fine but according to him it wasn't. They can turn off like a light switch and it's hard to believe what they are saying especially when people with depression and anxiety can over think everything. I'm trying to wrap my head around the exact same thing as you, do I try to help because I love him and I don't believe this is really him or do I walk away for my own good and give him what he asks for. Unfortunately the answer for us is to walk away... You cannot put yourself through anymore pain and they want to isolate themselves to figure out what's right for them. I hate writing this as I don't want the answer to be that either but after 9 days of hell I'm starting to see my life is on hold because of my ex, I'm only hurting myself, going in circles pulling out my hair, not eating, not sleeping... For what? I'm hurting too but depression is a very selfish illness. He will only be truly thinking of how he can feel better (even if it's only temporary or doesn't bring him happiness at all). Let him go, let him make his decisions because he's the only one who can. Ps I've lost my home, dog and a huge chunk of my life. You are not alone in returning to live with family. Everything right now feels wrong not only in the relationship but in your surroundings as well. We need to ride it out because in time, I know it will get better.

Jessa004 · ‎13-01-2017

I honestly can feel your pain. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. And what's worse is the person we love the most has caused all of this. I'm tired of looking back over every little thing I've done and said during our relationship to see if this was somehow my fault! And it isn't.

You are exactly right it's a selfish illness and we are very obviously not selfish people. Most women I know including my friends just say stuff him. He's hurt you and left you and is only thinking about himself. Yet here we are seeking out help and trying to figure them and this illness out so we can help not only ourselves but them too.

My ex (weird to call him that) knew exactly what position he would be leaving me in. I don't have any close friends anymore and I've shared so many painful feelings about my mum with him and that's where I am now back living. Because I literally can not be in our apartment anymore it makes me too sad. He knows there isn't even room for me here I'm sleeping in my younger sisters bedroom while she sleeps with my mum!

But it's all good he's going off to "find himself" again!

Its ridiculous, what he needs is to address the problem and admit to it and seek help. I'm not even going to be with him anymore but constantly worrying about him because how can I not. I love him!

I feel like I'm in my angry stage and you probably know what I mean.

its so nice to have support on here from women that are in the same situation, at least we can go to bed at night knowing we aren't suffering alone.

Im here to talk whenever you need to 🙂

Littlebluescent · ‎13-01-2017

Hi Jessa,

I have been going through something similar. Was with my partner for 5 years, he has been going through depression. We were about to salvage our relationship by living apart for a while and then he told me he didn't love me the same way anymore. Even though a week or so earlier he was all in.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The only way I'm coping is by distracting myself. Whenever I'm thinking about it, I write it down. I've been talking with family about it. Just trying to focus on myself.

The hardest part is worrying about them but not being able to do anything. He has asked for no contact, so I've been respecting his wishes.

Remember, your health is just as important as his. There isn't much you can do if he doesn't want to help himself.

Only time can heal you.