Bullied by sibling/s

[Maria0112]

I come from a large family, and my eldest brother controls and dominates all the younger siblings. So for many years he would always tell me what I can and can't do. For example he would invite me and my husband to a family gathering and tell me that I have to sit down and not talk about family topics etc. One day I stood up to him and told him that he can't control me and that I am allowed to talk about anything as long as I am not saying anything bad or hurting anyone. He didn't like this and to summarise everything, he is not going to ever talk to me, which I was ok with that. However, he is still constantly in my life, saying liars and manipulating all my other brothers, sisters and cousins to hate me because I am a bad person. So now he will host all the family parties at his house (invites my parents and all my siblings) and we are left out. Then he tells everyone at the party that I am the problem and that I am an awful person, because everyone goes to his party and they get along. My brother constantly tells my family that I am an awful person (and a lot of other liars). My sisters, whom I have been close to for many years now hate me and my youngest sister sent me a message this morning saying that I control my mum and that all my siblings our taking me to court for controlling mum and that I better have a dam good lawyer. I am very close to my mum, we talk everyday and have for many years and I was just trying to get mum to help me make peace with my siblings (because that's all I want). Anyway the truth is always twisted. I am scared that I will now lose my parents over this because my older brother controls all the other siblings. I have been suffering so much anxiety over this, I don't want to lose my family.

[Scotchfinger]

I come from a large family too and my older siblings tend to dominate and control things but not as bad yours it seems. You stood up to the eldest one and sounds like you weren't abusive or out of control at the time, so I can't understand why he would turn the rest of the family against you. From your post, you don't seem a bad person maria. Do you think you are a bad person? As you say the truth gets twisted, and there are no winners in family disputes. All I can suggest is, stay true to who you are and what you think is right. If you lose favour with any member of the family, including mother, it can't be helped. Peace at any cost is not peace , to my way of thinking. You have to have your self-respect. Try to stay mature when communicating with them and not resort to swearing or abusive language. This will only exacerbate the problem. But you don't seem like someone who would resort to that anyway, Maria. Good Luck.

[pipsy]

Hi Maria.  Congratulations, you are the sibling of a true narcissist.  Everything you've said points 100% to narcissism.  Avoid him like the plague.  Don't worry about anything he says to the rest of your family.  If you are in contact with your family, talk to them about you and hubby.  Say nothing about him at all.  If anything is said concerning him good or bad, change the subject - fast.  It sounds as though you won't be losing anything to have him out of your life, anyway.  The only way to deal with narcissist's is to let them know that nothing they can say or do is going to affect you.  The more ammunition you give him, the more he will use to destroy you.  Remember, one thing, he is very jealous of what you have, he is actually very insecure.  To build himself up, he has to destroy what he sees is the better sibling.  If he isn't married, he will do everything to destroy your marriage.  If he is unhappily married, same thing.  He's the eldest, he should have what you have, he sees that as his right.  How dare you have something he hasn't, therefore he must destroy it to get (in his mind) the upper hand.  If you want to be around the family when he's there, show him you're not afraid by saying and doing exactly what you want.  I have a brother like that, I've completely disowned him.  You have the same rights as him.        

[Maria0112]

Thank you Scotchfinger and Pipsy. I really appreciate your replies, feedback and advice. That's very helpful and it really helped me understand what is going on. The more I try to make peace with everyone the worse it gets, so I really need to walk away from it. They do make me feel bad about myself. I don't think I am a bad person. I always though I was nice to them and helped them. There is also a lot of things that you have identified that is so true about my older brother. Even though it is difficult for me to walk away from my siblings, I will do that and focus on my own young children and husband.  Thank you again. I really appreciate it.