Broken up because of depression

[emsbrymu]

Last week my boyfriend broke up with me and I think it is because of his depression. He told me that he doesn't have any feelings for me or anyone or anything and doesnt know what to do and that I am better off without him. I wanted to tell him that i didn't believe that he no longer loved me and that I still want to help be with him and help him with his depression but i knew that he wouldn't listen. We started dating about 5 months ago and I new that he had depression because we have been good friends for a year. He tried to kill himself and ended up in hospital for a week just before we started dating. I was there for him and visited him every single day when he was in the hospital. Nobody else went to see him apart from his mother. Not his best friend, his roommate or the person he was talking to right before he tried to take his own life. I am heartbroken over this breakup and I know that he needs time to himself to sort his own life out but i feel helpless and i am so worried about him. He doesn't have a good relationship with his parents so i know that he won't talk to them about his depression, and the only person that I can think he might talk to about it is his best friend (who i've never met) and they only see each other once every week or two. I feel like I have nobody to talk to about him and i'm worried that he will try and kill himself again. We also work together on occasion and i'm not sure what's going to happen when we see each other but i feel like he will just ignore me at work. Does anyone have any advice on what i should do or what I can say to him to let him know that i'm still here? I am still in love with him and finding it hard to let go since there was nothing wrong with our relationship and I know that his depression is the reason we are no longer together.

[Guest6093]

Hi Ems,

It seems like you're taking the brunt of this poor guy's situation. Sometimes the best thing to do is to leave someone alone but it's also hard for people to talk about themselves, about their problems and express how they are feeling. It's also a big deal for people to lug other's with their problems and guilt and I'm guessing that that is why he is broken up with you as you seem very close to him but he doesn't want to burden you.

My advice would be to perhaps start reaching out to him as a friend again. Reassure him you are there for him and happy to talk and let him and yourself get things off your chest. Continue to let him know that you are there for him, that's all you can really do. You can never make people do what's best for them, they have to do it for themselves. But if he feels comfortable around you and well connected and, as you say, doesn't have a close relationship with anyone else, then it means he will draw towards you and more than likely open up to about what he is thinking.

Perhaps there is something still in your relationship yet. It's not over.

R

[Croix]

Dear Emsbrymu~

You've posted here - probably because you can't think of what else to do - a good move as there are tons of people in this Forum that have had similar experiences, both suffering depression themselves, and trying to look after those with who have it. We are here to be leaned on.

First off, as someone who has been right down let me say that depression distorts the person's thinking. You mentioned he said:

any feelings for me or anyone or anything and doesn't know what to do and that I am better off without him

This is so typical - and it is the depression talking, not the person. I felt like that, a burden to myself, my loved ones and the world. I did not know myself, who I loved or anything - I was shut off. I guess it is a measure of his concern for you he wants you away - not really realizing that going away causes as much hurt.

What can you do? It depends on what you you want, and what you think you are capable of. Read below before you decide.

Well first, if you have not done so already, have a look at The Facts menu, towards the top of the page, which has a lot of information on Depression, causes, symptoms and treatments.

Secondly see if there is any way you can ensure he is under proper medical treatment - he may already be, but you didn't say. A GP, a psychologist or psychiatrist, therapy, emergency plan, and so on. Difficult for you to do as you are not next-of-kin. Perhaps enlist family support? - Not easy under the circumstances I know.

Support is vital, people do not recover easily on their own - even with medical help. I can't comment on your relationship and your feelings, you know much better than I. I do know that a caring and understanding presence is a blessing - though it is not easy at all for the carer, who themselves may need support at times. It is an emotional roller-coaster with much discouragement along the way.

The good news is that depression can very largely be combated and the sufferer lead a normal life.

What's left to say? If you want to talk to a friendly knowledgeable voice you are welcome to ring our 24/7 help line on 1300 22 4636. You may also find a fair amount of help in the Forum in either the Depression or the Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers)s sections - why not have a browse, see what you think - you can join in if you wish.

Please post as often as you want - you will be met with warmth and understanding

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I forgot to include mention of the important areas on Suicide in The Facts menu and the Suicidal thoughts and self-harm section in the Forum - sorry.

-C