Broken-hearted Mum

[Lachannie]

My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts which is very upsetting as I don’t understand how a daughter hates her mother so much. I don’t know how to put my side forward as she won’t return my calls or reply to my messages. I should explain she has a borderline personality disorder and I have done everything over the years to support her and get her the help she needs.I have been told not to take it personal as it’s her illness making these decisions and not her but I am not so sure and I am getting tired of being the blame for all that goes wrong in her life. Family is very important to me and I have other children who also caught in the middle of this as well as my husband and grandchildren. It upsets me to even think about Christmas and that she and her family won’t attend because of this. I am looking for guidance on how I can try and resolve this if it can be resolved.

[Lachannie]

Thankyou and I will be taking this all on board and giving it a go. There is some really good advice here

[The_Bro]

Thanks Lachannie that's so nice of you.

I found it pretty hard to pluck up the courage to make this type of approach so to speak, and had to be very humble which is not my normal manner. But it worked amazingly and brought out many of her issues we had never discussed. The crucial thing is to be humble, 'own' some of the perceived problems she has with you, be totally supportive and be 100% empathetic.

Mid way through the meeting I had with my daughter it felt like a huge monkey was lifted from my shoulders.

I should say that you still have rights as her parent, so try and make that clear in a non combative manner.

All the very best! The Bro

[Learn to Fly]

Love your response and advice The Bro. Will try to remember it when my boys get to this tricky time.
Well done.

[The_Bro]

Thanks so much Learn to Fly!

I admit it took some time to prepare what I wanted to say, and was quite difficult to keep the meeting calm, but by being as empathetic as I could, plus lots of supportive comments, it worked a treat in the end.

Much, much better than just letting things go on as they were.

Regards, The Bro

[Learn to Fly]

I can only imagine Bro! Whenever the kids get involved there is always so much at stake and it’s easy to get entangled in emotions that fly high and sometimes way ahead of us. As parents we want what’s absolutely best for our kids but this can mislead us as parents and make us forget that what we think it’s best for them, might not necessarily be the case and what’s even more important: might not necessarily agree with the kids. I say this, I know this, and I still catch myself repeating this mistake every now and then when challenging times come our way.

Anyhow, thanks again. Will definitely remember your post.

[Mk2692]

Hi Lachannie,

Thank you for reaching out and I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time. It is quite hurtful when someone you love and care for so dearly accuse you of something you didn't do. I think for your daughter, she may not realise or mean it due to her condition. I can tell that family is so important to you and that you care deeply about your daughter. I think when situations get heated, sometimes it is best to give the other person some time to cool off. Once she is in a better state and is ready to talk, then you can explain to her your side of the storey. I'm not sure if you tried to get someone else involved, like your daughter's partner if she has one or maybe if you can get a family member who can help with situation and resolve the issue. You are not to blame when things go wrong in your daughters life, try to be kind to yourself, you are doing the best that you can. We all make mistakes sometimes and all we can do is learn from them. Hope things get better for you.

[BlueBorder]

Hi Lachannie, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. My mum has BPD and it is a constant battle. I did go and see a psychologist with her some months ago now and while I don’t have much advice on how to get your daughter to talk to you I wanted to share something she said which may be helpful. The psychologist told my mum that her brain lies to her and that she needs to believe people when they tell her she is loved and that they love her. I thought of this as you mentioned that your daughter has accused you of doing something you haven’t done and I wonder if this is her brain lying to her. I hope that this information is helpful in some way to you and that you are able to repair things with your daughter. My mother cuts me out of her life regularly so it is something that I have become accustomed to but as a parent myself I imagine that it must be so heartbreaking to have your daughter do this.

[HappyHelper88]

Hi Lachannie i did not see your response until now
There have been some great suggestions above on how to contact her and I believe they are all good ideas

While giving her time can be good with BPD I find that the more time someone does not contact me the more strongly I feel abandoned and that they maybe don't care about me even when they do so I wouldn't wait for her to contact you first however you may wait some time for a response but you will get one eventually

I liked the post before by The BRO that mentioned calling her and leaving a message so she can hear her voice and then if you cant get a response sending a letter with all the details in there on owning what you have done, an apology and telling her how much you love and miss her, Also let her know you will always be there waiting for her no matter what

I hope this helps 🙂