Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

[ecomama]

Lauz you're doing so well. Hugs, it's difficult.

rx - I'd better post on your thread.... so many things you said struck a cord with me and woah boy it's hard.

Love EM

[Lauz22]

Hi EM,

I intended to reply to your original message earlier than I have now. Thanks for writing in.

You are right. The marriage was toxic on both ends. As I previously mentioned, I agree that unless both H and I put hard work into fixing our problems with ourselves AND in the marriage, it won’t work.
During the marriage I wanted to go to counselling which he denied. Now we have separated, I have begun my journey of self healing and growth. Unfortunately he still doesn’t seem to want to fully heal or fix the issues that caused such toxicity from his end.
As a result, I can’t control that and will not be able to wish for a successful marriage unless he does so.
That is kind of where I’m at with my pain. I feel somewhat let down by him during the marriage when he rejected counselling and again after we separated and he still did not want to help the situation. I can’t understand how he never wanted to work it out on my terms or how he says this divorce is the most painful experience for him but didn’t want to work it out?

I try to tell myself his problem is his. Mine is mine. I can only control my healing journey.

Questions for you EM
Were you married to ‘the one’ who moved overseas? Did you consider moving with him?

When you had left a long term toxic relationship the first time, did you learn and use that as a way to spot the red flags for the next relationship? Or did you find that the toxicity got the better of you and led you down an abusive relationship?

I only ask as I don’t know how I will be in my next relationship (if I do get into one). Am wondering if my lessons will prevail or whether I have a naive personality that succumbs when I get caught up in the moment and end up in another toxic relationship!

Thanks for the suggestions of books/reads.

Glad to hear you have met a such a wonderful man. Was this ‘perfect man’ a fantasy? I feel I have done that too - even when I was married that I made up the perfect male. I don’t know if it exists...

Do you mind telling me more about your current relationship?
Are you scared to let your guard down? You say you won’t fully love anyone besides him, why do you think that?

- lauz

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,

Thanks for the kind words. Funnily enough, I feel comfortable talking about my dysfunctional childhood as I feel it’s out of the closet now and I am trying to make peace with it.

Those decisions were great decisions to make.
Believing in yourself is so powerful. People can make hurtful comments but it doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s more so just ‘noise’ we can shut out. It’s important to not let people’s negative behaviour/words hold so much power over us - of course it’s a battle at times but something to always strive for.

Ideally, in all future relationships (including romantic if I decide to have one) I wont hold back feelings and hide them in a closet. I want to be comfortable being vulnerable with my emotions and know myself well enough to understand what’s going on and how to address them with myself or with a partner.

It was just so hard to even let in H on what was really going on deep inside me - it was my biggest fear. The thought of being vulnerable made me sick.

Sorry about your ex. Somewhat like ex H, I found it impossible to get through to him - I resorted to screaming and crying in frustration.
It’s a real shame that we speak yet aren’t heard.
I’m not sure if you could have done anything more to have come to an understanding with her. It does seem she not only shut you out but almost like she shut herself out.

I don’t know where your love for her will land you, but if it’s not meant to be, I hope you can find peace and hold onto the memories when you think about her.
I hope this for myself with ex H too.

I don’t mind conversing about your ex if you feel you want to. I find it helpful and would like to listen if you feel you need to talk more about it!

- lauz

[ecomama]

Dear Lauz

I'll do my best to answer your questions... maybe we can make it an ongoing conversation lol...

"I can’t understand how he never wanted to work it out on my terms or how he says this divorce is the most painful experience for him but didn’t want to work it out?"
I can't either but I have my instincts as to why.

"Were you married to ‘the one’ who moved overseas? Did you consider moving with him?"
No but he had proposed. I said no... long story. ABSOLUTELY I wanted to! But we both had high paying work contracts, mine interstate and his OS. It would have cost us $30k or so to get out of them. Very hard to keep up contact back in those days pre-internet / pre cheap calls etc.

"When you had left a long term toxic relationship the first time, did you learn and use that as a way to spot the red flags for the next relationship? Or did you find that the toxicity got the better of you and led you down an abusive relationship?"
Red flags weren't even a term back then. I've been married more than once. Had several LTRs who I also turned down (I consider those a success lol).

I did try to really understand what went wrong but as I say without internet or forums or the research into abusive personality types, Counsellors available etc... barely a word on DV unless it was violence.. not the other 7 forms.

"Toxicity" didn't get "the best of me" no. I was extremely forgiving and understanding - TOO MUCH so lol.

".... Am wondering if my lessons will prevail or whether I have a naive personality that succumbs when I get caught up in the moment and end up in another toxic relationship!"
You are SO aware and have a searching mind, you are NOT naive... not any more anyway!
Build on this.
You could find yourself in a toxic relationship again but hopefully before then or by then you will also have protected yourself 'enough' to get out and RUN.

"Was this ‘perfect man’ a fantasy? I feel I have done that too - even when I was married that I made up the perfect male. I don’t know if it exists..."

No one's perfect, NO ONE. If they did exist then we'd have to be "perfect" to match wouldn't we?
I'm far from perfect and never aspire to be tbh.

It was about WHO suited me best. That's pretty perfect as far as relationships go IME.

Ticking more than "my boxes" is an amazing man for sure.

Will answer your other questions in another post.

Sorry if I wasn't clear enough, I'll give more clarity on what I've learnt as much as I can...

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Lauz

Yes without a really good education of what "type" of person is abusive...
What "abuse" looks like - including financial abuse, psychological abuse etc etc...

I couldn't see the red flags clearly.

After my last and by far the most destructive of my relationships ended c2014... I enrolled in a Course run by the local Women's Health Centre called "Breaking Free" OMG IT WAS AMAZING.

10 sessions and I spent most of those months gobsmacked. omg omg omg freaking brilliant.

I did SO many things... had Counselling ever since... joined FB groups to learn more... did SO much online research omg...

I'm not an expert but I can see red flags MUCH better now.

On to happier thoughts lol....

After that hellfire marriage was over, I was DONE.
But I had joined a forum based in America and received SO much support and read all the links to all things there... poured my heart out.

As it happens so was current BF. Out of around 60 000 ppl, I made online friends with around 10 others and eventually with BF (I've met them all in person btw!).

Letting our guards down was ALL we did online! We never expected to actually MEET each other lol!

So I guess the ground was prepped for BF and I to be extremely open and honest, we knew most of it anyway lol. But this is not how I would approach a new relationship... being guarded over your personal life is far safer than being all open and vulnerable.. (see Brene Brown online & Netflix).
It's ONLY as the trust is built between you both that you should let things out slowly.

The Course taught us NOT to rush into any relationship and to watch it for at least 2y before making any type of commitment ie moving in together etc.

BF and I became best friends THEN met each other.

I was terrified to let my guard down but as his was down also.. we've weathered the storms so to speak.

I've never exposed more of my mind and myself to anyone before him.
Him to me also he says.

I know I couldn't love anyone as much as him because no one's known so much of me and loved me so deeply anyway.... warts, Courts and all lol.

Even though THAT could happen, there's little chance that I could love another person the way I love him.

I know this bec it took 30y for me to finally get over the previous outstanding relationship / wonderful man.

I couldn't be with someone else again with the feelings I have for BF. It wouldn't be fair on that next person at all.

In fact I'd hate it and would so much rather be alone and I mean that.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya lauz n em.

Ahhh, just trying to answer your questions and em's really but there's no one line answers with mine so that might take a bit haja. Don't wanna over run up ur thread with my crap , this is your place for you . But at the same time yeah agree em , on the other hand it is nice to find we've all had similar crap and bounce things around too and hopefully it helps lauz .

Just on the flag stuff , yeah same em , it all has names and terms we never hear of now hey , When l was first single again and started looking round the net , probably a mistake haha, especially with so much of it American or influenced, they're out in a whole nother league , l'm just wth . But at anyrate , l can see people always have but the problem is lauz that feelings are involved to with that person, that's the thing.

l saw ex day one , she said a few things l knew in minutes she's gonna be dangerous and had shyt, l actually said to myself any man with half a brain would be running like hell right now. But we also clicked like to the surreal level ,insane unbelievable stuff l loved her good sides n personality , loved her looks , bod , all of it like never before. So this is the problem and running as they say even if you do see the other stuff maybe even first day like l did, might not be as easy as they make out. And with all those feelings you hope you can work on things instead and before long 4yrs have gone past or your married or something.

But it's certainly a start to at least spotting them if you can, recognize them and hopefully you can stay strong from there and maybe do whatever you think best .

rx

[ecomama]

Hey Lauz and rx

I guess the long and the short of it is..... there are no guarantees.

Knowing "enough" and taking the leap into the abyss lol is our only option.

BUT IF your gut is screaming NO don't do it! Then in every case my gut instincts turned out to be correct.
Did I listen at the time?...WAY more times than not.

What I know for sure is that in every marriage I did my ultimate and absolute best.
I stayed far longer in marriages and relationships to make sure I'd done everything I could.

This way there's little to no room for regret.
I also did most of the grieving necessary DURING the relationships... this helped in my recovery I think.

Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Sorry em l meant to say yeah we'd never heard of all the names and terms out there now.

Anyway , our gut screaming at us yeah , exactly how it would go. Strangely with ex my gut was actually pretty relaxed , it was more just my logical side with her knowing she had stuff..

rx

[Lauz22]

Thank you EM for your insight! Very helpful!

- I can't either but I have my instincts as to why.
- My psychologist says that he is coping with the divorce his own way and that I don’t have control of what he does but I have full control of how I handle myself through this. However, humans are curious. I find myself wondering why I could never get through to him. If he loved me so much why didn’t he consider counselling or why didn’t he stop the detrimental behaviours I thought I had made so clear to him? This gives me pain in itself as I feel if we tried absolutely everything and it didn’t work then I could accept. I find it hard to accept someone that has constantly told me how strong his love for me was, never wanted to work it out on my terms or just gave up.
EM What are your instincts telling you?


- No but he had proposed. I said no... long story. ABSOLUTELY I wanted to! But we both had high paying work contracts, mine interstate and his OS. It would have cost us $30k or so to get out of them. Very hard to keep up contact back in those days pre-internet / pre cheap calls etc.
- So sorry to hear. At the time, did it feel like the right person and the wrong time? Was that your first real heartbreak?


- Red flags weren't even a term back then. I've been married more than once. Had several LTRs who I also turned down (I consider those a success lol). I did try to really understand what went wrong but as I say without internet or forums or the research into abusive personality types, Counsellors available etc... barely a word on DV unless it was violence.. not the other 7 forms.
“Toxicity" didn't get "the best of me no. I was extremely forgiving and understanding - TOO MUCH so lol.
- Due to lack of awareness and resources did it make you feel something was ‘wrong’ with you? To be honest, I felt there was something wrong with me. That I couldn’t be loved or deserved to be loved - even with therapy, podcasts, forums etc. however I will say I am starting to control my brain and rid that thought. I want to rewrite my brain to stop toxic thoughts that gives toxic results.

[Lauz22]

-No one's perfect, NO ONE. If they did exist then we'd have to be "perfect" to match wouldn't we?
I'm far from perfect and never aspire to be tbh.
Ticking more than "my boxes" is an amazing man for sure.
- thanks for the reminder. Maybe it’s the generation I grew up in being heavily exposed to social media where we compare to others, constantly seeing others perfect lives on social media or societies message was that you aren’t good enough as you are but you need to have the coolest clothes or the best holidays to have this perfect life.
This on top of my childhood of never feeling enough led me to strive for a perfect life. To be perfect, have a perfect husband and life. When things weren’t the way I thought I should be I would get upset. It’s another one of many factors of our toxic relationship.


In saying that, for future I am looking to raise my standards. Not necessarily for it to be perfect but better. To not tolerate poor behaviour and feel equal. I always want to improve myself to be the best version of myself. Would that be considered aiming for perfection?

What a wonderful experience. It sounds like it has led you to such an amazing chapter of your life.
What was the course called that you joined? Was this for people who were going through a breakup?
I’m interested to hear more about it! I love to learn what helped you or what exercises you did that you can share with me!

That’s a good point! Trust definitely has to be earned before we open up and make ourselves vulnerable.
I have so much to learn and experience post divorce. I haven’t been single since I was 17.
Although I do feel I need to learn to be on my own before there could be any possibility for another relationship.
Kind of like you, when you say you’d rather be single if you weren’t with BF, I think I will choose to be single as I don’t think I can love anyone else right now.

Ahh so when you say you took 30 years to get over ‘the one’ why was that so?
Would you have gotten over him if it weren’t for BF?