Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya lauz.

Yeah of course you know, that's the kind of love we're talking about here right . l'll always feel her and her me, we both knew that , even though we're on opposite sides of the planet again now, she may as well be on my lap.

We ended a bit like you guys though , we really did a good job good of it this time. And l know it will damage us for a few yrs now but yep we will connect again , time passes , especially if we haven't moved on properly by then. For me , l know lately that l'll kind of have two hearts from here on. One will always be there , and one will be with my knew life and partner should that be the way things go , if that makes any sense.

[Guest_1584]

PS. Sorry forgot to add , l did have that hope yep for sure , oil and water or not , But meeting someone new you realize it's kind of all or nothing and hopefully it becomes the new, you know. And it has a lot for sureand probably will a lot more yet . We've talked about it a lot though and she does understand because she was divorced but he will always be in her heart too , she says a long side of me. And l can accept that bc that's something like it will be for me too . You take care hey , rx .

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,
That’s very open and honest. It’s a very interesting insight of love and how it can work.
Would you say that the intensity of your feelings of love towards your ex has reduced as time has gone by? Or do you still feel as strongly towards her?

What do you think your future will hold? Or maybe I should ask what do you want your future to hold for you?

Currently I am confused. I keep believing I will be single, by choice and because I won’t find a connect that I had with my ex husband.
But if I meet someone else will I still always want what I had with my ex?

Can you love two people?
If the love is so strong, why hasn’t love found its way back to each other?

[Guest_1584]

Hi lauz.

Could you explain why you were the way you were with your H , and how you were with him ? l haven't read back bc a long day but l'd like to know more anyway , only if you don't mind. Bc it dawned on me l could probably say my ex was similar at times. l'd researched a lot and thought she may be bpd , but l'm not so sure anymore. l've started thinking in her way it was more about self preservation bc she;d been so badly hurt before. She only actually blurted out love a few times, mostly she was basically in denial with things like we need to be side by side more bc we were apart 50-70% of the time. We'd be so full of love and feelings wks on end but then she'd start poking the bear , almost as if to reverse it to protect herself, l dunno. And fights would start , we broke up 4 or 5 times with her turning like that no reason on the surface but l think it was shyt testing and self preservation even if subconsciously, l dunno. So the love did keep finding us , over and over , but then she'd blow it up again. In the end it was like we must be just toxic , but these days l think it was more along the lines of above and fear.

Yeah , l think you can love two people which is kinda how it is for us now . But l don't think though even if ex and l did connect again , we'd try it again though bc the last time she blew us up was like ok there's not a damn thing we can do with this it happens every time and we give up . But as l say l think now days that she subconsciously sabotaged so that's a bit of a different thing but none the less l still don't think we'd try again though bc for whatever the real reason was , it did just keep happening .

But you know what , l thought l'd be single too , didn't think l could try again. and actually that's also something like l think my ex was subconsciously and why her crap. Buttttt, here l am , someone else has come along but you your only late 20s so unless you sabotage it most def' , love will come again if you let it. That's my thing right now , l have to let it , l know l'm fighting it off.

As for your ex , l don't know. lt does sound like his love was sort of broken from the way things went. Sometimes thaat can't be unbroken or come back.\

l admit now l'd like a partner and future , to have love , l'd rather it but if it didn't happen well, l'm older than you and l'd probably think well , eff it, whatever. l've thought too of just having no one , and if ex and l did reconnect l'll be free, l dunno.

rx

[Guest_1584]

ps.

As far as what kind of love , or that love again , l'd say yes most definitely . You could very possibly have a love like that again even more , especially at your age. l know there's love but then there's also love , but l also know absolutely anything can happen in life and often even just around the very next corner , or the very next day or wk or yr , things can change in a heart beat .

take care . rx

[ecomama]

Dear Lauz

I've read all the posts on this thread so far. There seem to be far more questions than answers. This could be because we're all so different.

I can certainly relate to you and rx. The haunting feeling of "that" person, I hesitate to say "the one"... read on lol.

SO many things made so much more sense to me when I read (and kept as a reference book) M.Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled".

It's a classic, definitive text on probably ALL the different types of love one can experience. He was a brilliant psychiatrist.

I found it exceedingly soothing not only for the marriage that had imploded and exploded in all different ways but also to help heal the other romantic heartbreaks I felt. Even those not romantic ie from family.

Lauz you mentioned so many toxic things about your marriage. It was an abusive one.
There's lots of learning and healing to be done and IMHO it would be the worst thing to try again with your exH. The time he screamed at you about marriage counselling?

Not a good sign for any hope of being able to work through things.

I realised in 2 long term relationships (one my first marriage with very similar timing / ages to yours) that I would have to abandon myself COMPLETELY to ever have a relationship with each of those ppl.
I concluded both times that THAT wasn't the love I wanted to have in my life.
After alot of cruelty and pain I ended each of those.

I'd always held "that one" in my memory & my heart, who was so beautiful. No lows just love... such a heavenly dreamy relationship. But he'd applied for a contract OS before we got together. It came thru & he pained over taking it. I encouraged him to. I also had a contract here.

The last marriage was extremely abusive ("It" was pure evil). Since then I've done SO much work to see red flags etc. Courses, more courses, Counselling, psychology.
I'd see red flags in a field of white lol!

30y after "that one" and I parted, I've met a magnificent man who overtakes him by eons.
So Intelligent. So kind. Generous and loving.

It was as though I'd never been intimate with anyone before him.

He blew everyone out of the water.

You can love more than one person. At the start my fiancee told me I had to share his heart with his wife who had passed away AND his exW who had divorced him. Luckily he has a huge heart!
I understood.

5y later he says those other loves have faded away. His heart is full of love for me.

Have hope for the right kind of love.

Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Yeah exactly what l was trying to say to in your last bits there em. l can actually feel that exact path happening with my partner now l l'd describe her and us in a similar way. And for us it's also very similar in that of course we've both loved before and that's just fine , it's just life , and love.

And funny , but l've always known my partner could well over take past loves , especially if l fully open up to it again and just allow it which is slowly happening , and she tells me many times l already am overtaking hers which l feel more more more she doesn't have to tell me but it is nice to hear none the less.

Be good to yourself lauz. rx

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,
I feel I am at a point where I fully understand the way our relationship operated and what my behaviour was like.
My childhood up bringing and conditioning led to me to behave in toxic ways. I grew up where we didn’t speak about feelings and when I expressed emotions I was punished or shamed by my parents. We never apologised to each other in my family. We just ignored the issues and moved on.

So I was emotionally unavailable for myself and H. I genuinely did not have capacity to process emotions. I pushed them down, shut them out and ignored them like the plague (Or nowadays Covid). It made me so uncomfortable to be vulnerable and discuss feelings so I never did and it obviously has erupted.
I never saw when I did something wrong, instead shifted blame onto H. I just reacted through crying and screaming - physical action. This is because I didn’t know how to express my emotions through healthy conversations.

It sounds horrible but like your ex I believe it comes from a place of intense fear. For me it wasn’t malicious but subconsciously behaving like a child who never fully developed emotionally.
It’s also a defence mechanism. I had this need to strongly to protect myself. I though the more I put walls up the more protected I was. Or the more I blamed my problems on him, made me feel better about myself.
I was so fearful of admitting my faults. It felt like I’d be a worthless failure if I did. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings because it was like shining a light on all the pain I held onto from my childhood.

Kind of like your ex. It seems she may be insecure and projected her problems onto you.
Do you know if she had something deeper going on?
It seems like she never fully let you in maybe to protect herself from getting hurt.

Subconsciously, yes she may be behaving in ways she doesn’t even realise. I speak from experience - it won’t be until she figures it out that you guys may have a chance.

Do you think you are ‘in love’ or have love for your ex?
Also how long since you have broken up?

Like you, I feel getting back together with an ex won’t work. Unless both put hard work into fixing their issues individually and in the relationship.

Do you feel you are holding yourself back in your current relationship?

I think the best thing to do it learn from the past and put faith into what the future holds. Whatever is meant to be will be.

Thanks for the insight and honesty rx

[ecomama]

Hi Lauz and rx

I think it's perfectly normal to be scared of letting the walls down in a relationship, even in marriage.

We can't underestimate the hurt experienced in childhood or from a previous relationship.
Knowing it and even acknowledging it may not be enough... seeing how it plays out in our reactions (when we're triggered) is interesting investigation. I read about "schemas" alot a few years ago and wow... they were all there for both myself and then H.

Lauz you seem to be SO self aware. It was incredible to read your last post, so much insight and emotional intelligence poured out there. I'm in awe of you.

Honestly, IDK how to "control" matters of the heart. It's been far easier to switch the feelings off if the person was abusive towards me.

I pined for that "dream man" mostly secretly for a long long time, through marriages even most esp when things were bad in the marriage.

rx.... do you still pine for your ex?
It's really difficult going through this.

Considering the time it took me to get over dream man... and now I've met someone who blew him away metaphorically speaking lol... I couldn't be with anyone else whole heartedly if this relationship broke up.
I couldn't squeeze 5% of my heart out for anyone else.

I know enough of myself now to know this would be true. This is both beautiful to experience and so poignant and sad if it happens. Deeply scary too.

EM

[Guest_1584]

Hiya lauz and em.

Lauz l'm sorry to rehash childhood things, l know you skimmed it earlier l should've left it there , so thanks for going into it a bit more and so sorry you were denied such natural and hugely important for us all. l hope you've been able to work through it with someone it could help. Later teens early 20s l thought l'm keeping and using what l liked and believed in from people, family, parents any of their ways that l liked , but l'm throwing out the rest and doing things my way from here. l didn't believe we have to take the bads with us, and still don't. l know that's not easy but your the boss of you when we grow up and it's the chance to do things your way, yaknow. But like me , and l was , you have a great head start because yeah for sure your far more aware of it all than most and run deep. l know though better than most changes l wanted in my life isn't easy it's a bit by bit thing, few steps forward few back haha. lt'd help you so much if your relationship is the sort of person you can talk to too as it goes along and explain your ways it'd be a massive help for you. All much easier said than done and found l know .

Yeah that was ex , through and through it took time to piece it together, she was everywhere , but she couldn't see or acknowledge herself so there were real road blocks in talking about it. l could've recorded things she did and said, or shown things she wrote, it'd make no difference, it just didn't happen. On our highs we'd talk so much though, but weirdly actually nah not much on childhood. She said she had a dream childhood though, grew up in ltaly and they had a beach house family holidays, it sounded beautiful, surreal. She moved countries in her 20s though but still had a great relationship with her parents. She'd had a man run from hell though from her very first on , and sadly an horrific divorce too, so really her ways were no wonder. But sadly nah she'll never figure her out now, denial . The right man could help if she'd let him in but with her run doubt that'll happen now.

But for me moreso l have a place for it so to speak but it ain't easy though and yeah l do still pine, it's still confusing. And l do still love her in ways but on the other hand she also broke that love too and so it's hard to fathom in just exactly what way it is now. But it is broken and l think it's beyond now, l think we both knew it and even if we do cross again it's going to be a kind of numb.

rx