Broken heart that I can’t heal after divorce

[Lauz22]

Hi all,

I am 27 and am going through a divorce from my partners of 10 years, 3 of those years we were married.

We met at the age of 17 and I have been codependent on him ever since.

Our relationship was extreme in both good and bad. He is someone like no other. His love was so strong and pure but he was very controlling and selfish.
Our relationship revolved around his wants and needs in life. He made all the big decisions, never saw me as an equal, had an extremely narrow mind of how we had to live our lives and forced me to do as he saw fit.

We had a wonderful, meaningful relationship before we got married.
But our marriage was toxic and abusive.
We were both wrong in our ways. We were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards each other.

It got so bad, that my mental health deteriorated and effected my physical heath.

I begged him to go to marriage counselling and he refused. Instead he got angry and lashed out as he usually does.

I saw no way out so I begged for a divorce. At first he refused and wanted to work things out. But I was at rock bottom I saw no way out and was suicidal at the thought of continuing our toxic marriage.

One day he picked up his belongings and walked out the house. That was the end.

I have spent this entire year in therapy to work through my feelings and to fix the problem.

I have gone from feeling suicidal in the marriage to now desperately wanting him back.

I feel I have worked on myself and grown. And that know what I need to do to change for a better relationship.
I have wrote heartfelt emails apologising, going in depth of the faults in me and the relationship and that if we both worked on ourselves and the relationship we could possibly make it work.

He has made comments such as

A part of him has died to let me go.
I am tainted and would rather have 5 failed relationships than be with me.
He no longer loves me.

It’s been 9 months and he has contacted lawyers regarding our divorce.

His love for me was second to none. He loved me unconditionally at my worst. I never in a million years thought he would give up his love on me.

I am struggling to accept it and am in denial that the relationship is over.

I truly believe no one will love me the way he did.

I am holding on to hope that one day he will come back to me and we could work things out.

I feel lost and empty all the time.
I feel my life has no purpose without him.

I feel I have nothing and am hopeless that there is no point of living without him.

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,

I completely understand what you are saying. these questions are never easy to answer.

I think you put it perfectly that mixing oil and water will never work no matter how hard you try.
It’s unfortunate as sometimes the one you love isn’t meant to be. Or that love isn’t enough in a successful relationship. That there are many other factors such as compatibility, mutual respect, communication and boundaries.

As you said, some may just happen to find the one that they naturally mix better with.
Although this doesn’t make my reality any less devastating.
I see more now how my ex and I were not compatible. Completely different people but completely in love at one stage. It worked well when we were you and live was not so difficult.

What do you mean that you and your ex would of crossed paths again?

I very much think my ex and I will in the future as well... I am somewhat hanging onto this to get me through. Although it seems it will be a damaging concept.

How do you deal with the old good memories and knowing your ex is out of your life?

I hope you are happier with your current relationship and have made some peace with your past.

Thanks for writing in!

[Lauz22]

Hi Tony,


Nice to hear from you again.
I have been absent as I had been at the height of my heartbreak and struggling to get by my days.


Correct - excessive behaviour in any form can be damaging.
I can indemnify myself with this type of behaviour. As stated previously it is some what of an addicted behaviour I hold when it comes to his love.


What are some things you have done to help with this type of behaviour? (Only if you feel comfortable answering)


I have requested to dive deeper with my psychologist. I also ended up being prescribed a very low dosage of anti depressants for the first time in my life. It has helped me stabilise my emotions so I am able to carry on with my days. I hope with extra self work that I can come off them and reach a point where I am strong and independent enough to heal and deal with life post heartbreak.

I still have some intense thoughts and emotions when I have flashes of my heartbreak. I really struggle dealing with and accepting the loss.
I miss the good times so much it hurts. The thoughts of him never being there again can be unbearable...

As I am still in denial, I feel we can make it work and it doesn’t have to be this way. whereas he is pushing to end it. It’s hard to shake these emotions and thoughts.

‘The further you climb, the harder you fall’
Absolutely! I have never heard that yet I relate so much to this!

As always, I truly appreciate your posts! They help so much and I am grateful!

Hope to speak to you soon

[white knight]

Hi Lauz

As you guessed, I've had in the past issues with obsession, dwelling on issues/people/events and finding action that helped me move on hasn't been easy.

By far new exciting projects and keeping busy has been my answer. Post splitting with my first wife, becoming a part time dad as well time my heart apart. For 2 months I was a lost soul then found that block of land. Also, although I did not want another relationship, I ploughed on and forced myself to either date ladies or simply meet for coffee. The result was distraction and that helped a lot.

The problem with obsession (for want of a better word) is that the remedy is limited to actions that isn't rocket science. There is a lack of a magic potion. The options I've listed would be hard to implement, forcing yourself to swim against the love tide.

Effectively this also means advice is limited. Once you have the insight and the suggestions, the rest is basically hard work. Such difficulty has no easy road but...self preservation is very important. To care for your well being, you'll have to do things you might not feel comfortable doing.

Most people don't understand what you are enduring. I do, this love is designing you, but there is much more to you than this.
Your nature is testing you. You can't change your nature. But you can follow logic.

Google

Beyondblue topic the frog and the scorpion

TonyWK

[Lauz22]

Hi Tony,

Thanks for the answers.
Everything you have mentioned makes lots of sense.
Heartbreak and healing is different for everyone. One thing that I am certain of to heal is to commit to the healing process. Often this will be difficult, a challenge, being put in new and uncomfortable situations etc.
I'm starting to feel this is how we learn about ourselves and grow.
For the first time I am really getting to know myself and have an understanding of my nature, my conditioning, my behaviour and thought patterns. It has been painful but a journey of growth which I am grateful for.

Going through a divorce just before lockdown in Melbourne has been a tough situation but almost a great environment to sit with my thoughts and emotions to really figure it all out.

I have come to a point where I am slowly forgiving, being kinder to myself and embracing my flaws, my nature and who I am. I think this is important for us to love ourselves before we love others. To accept love and give love back.

Speak soon

[Juliet_84]

Hi Lauz22,

Like you I was in an abusive relationship from a young age, and he was also the love of my life. Abusive relationships are a complex thing that a lot of people don’t understand, how can you love someone that could treat you this way, and how could someone who loves you treat you this way they wonder. But abusive relationships are often co-dependent for both people, we love the “love bombing” from the abusive person that elevates us and makes us feel seen and that no one else will ever love us in the same way, and they love having someone who is dependent on them and also our empathetic nature, which attracts us to them in the first place. Realistically you will find someone again, that’s what we are all designed to do, and you will find someone who loves you. But you may need to be prepared that it will be in a different way, it will be in a much more subtle but more stable way. He will love you by caring about your feelings not just when it suits you, by asking for your opinions and advice on things, by respecting your boundaries, including in arguments, and not wanting to make you feel depressed and as though you are losing your mind. Heartbreak is deceptive, it glosses over your bad times with that person and makes you feel as though you’ll never have someone like them. But you need to remind yourself of the bad moments, the moments he was screaming at you or disrespecting you, frightening you, don’t do yourself a disservice by forgetting those. Otherwise you may end up back in a situation that you quickly realize was not meant for you. I hope I haven’t spoken to harshly or said anything that hurts you, I’m just hoping to provide you some clarity

[white knight]

So relevant Juliet.

I'm glad Lauz that you are developing insight to your natural character. This growing stage might be overdue and often isn't thought about as we spend our times with partners.

I have no expectations in other following the course I have for such growth. In 1988 a friend gave me some cassette tapes of Prem Rawat Maharaji, he has many YouTube videos and is really a motivator to assist in soul searching.

My favourites are- sunset, acceptance and the perfect instrument.

Regardless of how you go about it, it can be the most beautiful experience.

I think you are on the right course.

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Hiya lauz. Being alone with my thoughts was my way too although it might not be your chosen one l guess , was mine though and a must for me. Though l think for me it could be for 20yrs but l'd still be asking myself about that oil and water.

l just mean l know it's not done , l still feel her and l can feel her feeling me . We always could and l know we still are and we'll talk again.

And thanks for the kind thoughts too , l hope the future for you too . And you know what , at times l am happier and at times there is a peace but even moreso there is a calm. It's an incredible calm you feel with someonee where things do just mix .

Tony's right btw , l'll vouch for that , most people can't understand it just like they don't that l can't forget ex and just kick it all to the curb. At the time l joined a relationship forum hoping for some kind of l don't know. 40,000 people in that forum but you know what , l soon realized not one of them had experiemced the kind of love l was trying to get past . They'd all loved their version and most had had dozens of relationships and thought they'd loved but reading 1000s of people there was only one, one , that really knew what l was talking about.

Annway hang in there eh.

rx

[Lauz22]

Hi Juliet,
Thank you for your support. I have not taken it harshly by any means.
What you have written has described my relationship perfectly. It is a true reflection on toxic relationships and how they operate.
Unfortunately it seems only those who have experienced such toxic and unhealthy relationships will have a true understanding of the effects that they cause you.
Everything you have described, I relate to so much.
Currently it feels near impossible to see a life without someone you once shared everything with. It’s hard to let go and accept maybe one day there will be someone more suited, or loves you just as much, if not more and in a different but healthy way.
My mind is definitely glossing over the negatives and directing to the good times (the love bombing)
He would write my poems, print photos of us and declared his undying love for me.
I’m struggling to let go of that.
Although I am realising he loved me most when I was young, as I was naive and fit perfectly into his box. As time went on, I grew out of that and wanted my own independence and growth in the relationship. He really struggled to adjust to the changes I wanted in the relationship or the changes to person I was becoming.
My therapist said that I was the enabler. That we both set a pattern from the beginning of the relationship - one where it was based around his wants and needs - and that he fell in love with me for doing that but won’t necessarily love me when I make a change to the relationship pattern.
I find this sad how someone can’t love you when you ask them for what you have given them for so many years.
I feel he would rather divorce me than try and work out a way to have a healthy marriage with boundaries.
Although for some people, changing their operating system may not be possible. I need to remind myself of this too.
Am I crazy to be sad about losing a toxic relationship?

[Lauz22]

Thank you so much Tony.
I hope I am on the right track.
It does seem overdue. It’s usually after such a devastating and painful event that we are put on a journey of growing, healing and finding ourselves. I am somewhat thankful that I have taken this as an opportunity to really grown and learn from mistakes. Hopefully it will better my future.


Although everyone’s journey is different and it seems yours may of been painful, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.


We have a lesson to learn from every chapter of our lives.


I enjoy listening to podcasts and motivation speeches of healing so thank you for sharing!

[Lauz22]

Hi rx,

Thanks for sharing.

I’m interested in what you have mentioned.
You seemed to have love your ex deeply.
And although you may have found a new partner and have come to a realisation that your past relationship was like mixing oil and water, do you still feel you and your ex will reconnect in the future? That there will be a possibility to revisit the relationship?

I only ask as it seems your soul is still connected to your ex.
Please correct me if I am wrong.

I relate as I feel that my soul and my love is still connected to my ex even though the relationship was so toxic toward the end. Even though I understand we cannot be together at this point in time. I still have this hope that the future will bring us together.

Will you ever let go of your past relationship?
Do you hold onto hope one day your love will bring you back together in the future?