Break up in Lockdown

JamesS · ‎17-09-2021

Hi all,

I'm struggling at the moment to process a break up, which has only been amplified by the ongoing lockdown.

We were only together for about half a year, but I had developed a deep love and empathy for this person. We ended things, because she needed along time to process her own personal emotions from a previous relationship. I tried to make things work with her, but after a month of trying I had to draw a line a walk away. Now it has been one week since we last spoke.

I am someone who thrives being in a relationship, I don't like being alone for the most part. It's daunting in the current environment, as its impossible both to meet new people and to spend quality time with friends and family. I haven't been able to see any family members for almost 4 months. I try to keep bust by focusing on my work, which I am very grateful to have, and have tried to keep in touch with old friends. But I feel lonely, and heartbroken at times.

I have hope that things will get better. I know that eventually things will return to normal and I will be able to meet someone who I can form a relationship with. But I struggle with not knowing how long it will be before I can find fulfilment agains. These lockdowns are hard and they really push your resilience. I wish I could get in my car and drive and see my dad and brother. That would make all the difference.

Happy to get your thoughts and feedback, stay safe everyone.

geoff · ‎17-09-2021

Hello James, I'm really sorry this has happened and she may be suffering from exactly the same problem as you, but might not have been able to talk about it.

We don't know what our government is going to do, everything has changed from when this first started and as the vaccines have increased, whether or not you agree, then more decisions will be made, that hopefully will enable you to find the person you love.

Take care.

Geoff.

Goldwing03 · ‎17-09-2021

Hi James S,

Heartbreak is really hard. Proud of you for reaching out and making decisions that benefit your wellbeing. It will get better over time I promise 🙂

I don't like being alone either, and I know it's scary but perhaps this phase of your life will allow you to reconnect with who you are and figure out your own needs and boundaries.

Take care ❤️

puzzlegirl · ‎18-09-2021

Sorry to hear you are going through this James, being lonely is very hard. I am currently experiencing loneliness, though I am married (unhappily so, he has told me he doesn't want to be married to me, and doesn't want me). I have also been keeping busy with work and other commitments, but I can appreciate that if you are a someone who thrives in relationship, you will constantly feel an empty hole that nothing else can fill. Unfortunately in this situation, it can begin to impact on your self-esteem, perhaps you are feeling you are 'not enough' on your own. You can be ok as an individual, and can thrive like that, but there is nothing more golden than feeling loved and loving someone- this is what I think is missing for you. Perhaps take this time to think about what and who it is you really want in life, then you will be better positioned for attracting that when you are once again able to. All the best.

JamesS · ‎18-09-2021

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful messages.

I am doing my best to make this a reflective time, and to focus on self-improvement and fulfilment. It's hard though when you meet the right person and it simply can't be for timing reasons. I felt a lot of fulfilment in the relationship that I had been lacking for several years after a long term relationship ended.

I tend to rely on my partners a lot, and I've recently moved cities, so its very hard with the lockdown. We also have lots of mutual friends, which I am struggling to navigate while focusing on healing on my own time.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation puzzlegirl, that is really hard circumstance to navigate. I think my self-esteem has been hit very hard because I tried to so hard to make things work, but it wasn't enough.

Weekends are actually the hardest because I have so much time and so little to fill it with. I'm trying to catch up with friends and go cycling when I can. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and resist my negative mindset. Any tips greatly appreciated.

puzzlegirl · ‎18-09-2021

James, it sounds like you have lost both a relationship, and a support network when you moved cities. That's really hard. Actually, I think it sounds like you are experiencing grief as well as that blow to your self esteem. Gosh, that's hard! Like the rug has been pulled from under your feet, and you must be really finding it hard to know how to move forward. What strikes me is that you have been putting in a lot of effort to make it work, only to have those efforts fail. That's disheartening. This I understand, I have been working hard to make my marriage work, but he has repeatedly told me he isn't interested in it/me. And so, some tips from my personal experience here is to keep doing what you can to connect with friends, do exercise, and when you are in those quiet moments and the weight of all of it comes to bring you down, please do your best to remind yourself of all the great things you are as you are separate to a relationship. Your identity isn't only valuable within the space of a relationship. I have also started a 'gratefulness' list- never have I felt the need to do this before, but I find it helps to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Basically, take a moment to write down and consider the things that ARE going well in your life. Sometimes, the list is not enough, because the pain is too much. Also, cry. You are grieving, so let yourself grieve. Grief needs to find expression for as long as it takes for you to start to heal. No-one can define how long grief takes. Also, it's not just time that heals grief- grief heals with intentional choices to grow, and do those things that bring healing. And, when it's all too hard and you are too tired from the weight of it, just breathe and chill out. Sorry that was long, hoping my crappy journey can help you somehow.

LorenaC · ‎18-09-2021

Hi James,

Sorry about heard you heart broken, there is not an easy situation specially with lockdown. Sometimes life gives us circumstances to make us stronger and maybe think about which king of love we need, we deserve and we really want for our lives. I know is very hard look the positive side of this, I would try to reduce memories about her or the relations around me, also develop new habits and routines where you can be more the focus, and maybe also make a list of things that you love to do and you did not do because you were busy in the relationship and what if you take the time to start to do one by one a week.

Give your self some time and compassion, it is not easy but we are here to listen to you and support you.

Lorena

Justbrokenup · ‎19-09-2021

Hi James, I am going through a breakup too right now and am feeling extremely shocked and overwhelmed. My boyfriend of two years told me he loved me last week and only yesterday he told me we are not compatible and will be better with other people. I am struggling to come to terms with this as we also have mutual friends and are in the same friendship group. We went to the same primary school and had crushes on each other since grade 5. We are now in our mid/later 20s and I thought he was my soulmate. I can’t fathom a life without him. We were looking to buy a house together and live/work overseas together. I cannot fathom how that will not happen anymore. I thought he was my life partner but now I am back to square one. It is absolutely terrifying.

JamesS · ‎19-09-2021

Hi everyone, thanks for the kind and supportive comments. It's really good to know people can have so much compassion for each other, especially in these very challenging times.

Puzzlegirl & LorenaC - thank you for your thought words and support I have reflect on these comments closely.

Justbrokenup - I'm really sorry you're going through a tough break-up. It's really hard when people make promises and commitments to each other and then things change, for whatever reason. I was in a long term relationship for several years, and the relationship ended when they seriously cheated on and deceived me. I can say, while it was very hurtful, I grew a lot and my perspective changed with time. We've recently reconnected and I've finally accepted her apology, which was very healing. I hope you treat yourself kindly and know that things do get better.

My update: today was a really nice day, as I mentioned earlier weekends are harder because there is so much time to fill. I watched a favourite movie and I cried a lot, which was really good. I recognise that I'm carrying a lot of grief, and its very hard to let go of the relationship. Its hard when you love someone so much it hurts. I also still have a bag of her things in my house, which I have now washed and will try to leave with a friend. The smell of her perfume got on my hands and I felt really upset. I have found it hard to find someone that I deeply connect with emotionally, the lack of her touch is particularly desolating at night.

I went out for a long bicycle ride and felt much better, I am also trying to connect with friends online. I am fine so long as I talk about my feelings, I try to be easy on myself knowing things will get better. Please do send me more comments, its a pleasure to read them.

geoff · ‎20-09-2021

Hello JamesS and Justbrokenup, hope I haven't missed anyone else that would really upset me and if I have I deeply apologise to you.

When a relationship breaks up, and it doesn't matter why in most cases, but that thought can temporarily be distracted by talking with other people/s, it's when you are alone and your thoughts start to wonder and certain details of the good times you both had together swamp your mind, that's when your pain floods and takes over you, this is your devastating time being alone, you cry and only wish the two of you could be back together cuddling each other, is when you hit rock bottom.

It happened to me after a 25 year marriage and everything I did was different to when we were married, now I had to do it all alone, that's the worse part because items that are left, including furniture all bring back memories that we do want to remember, but then we don't because it brings tears to us and only amplifies the situation we're now in.

You have every right to be upset, to cry at any opportunity it's part of your grieving and your partner is probably doing exactly the same, it's just the two of you were not meant for each other, but you have learnt so much in every possible way both good and not so good.

Listen to music, even if you're riding your bike, this distracts you from your thoughts, and yes, cry as much as you want to and cry until there are no more tears, that's when you could start talking with someone else and please try not to hold back, those who have been through the same, know exactly how difficult all of this is.

My thoughts always.

Geoff.