Branka

[Branka]

Hi everyone, especially Croix

It's been a long time since I last posted. Some of you would have read my posts and know my situation. I had moved from Sydney to Melbourne to be close to my 2 sons and grandchildren. I moved in with my youngest son and my daughter in law only to find myself in an abusive situation. I moved out on my own and finally found peace.
As time progressed my youngest son and his wife separated and now are divorced. I need to mention that I suffer from anxiety and depression.
Over time my son decided to move back to Sydney. My daughter in law was struggling to find somewhere to live. As we became very close, we agreed to move in together. This has caused very negative reactions from my three sons especially her ex.
My son has moved back to Melbourne and is demanding that I throw her out so that he can move in. He is a narcissist and I don't want to live with him. He says that I made a very poor decision and that I am very selfish.
I have sacrificed much for this son and I am at the point of not wanting to see him.
He says that if I don't live on my own he will disown me.
My question is: Did I really make a poor and selfish decision? Should I make decisions based on my son's needs?
We have started arguing and I worry that I may head for depression if this continues. I have feeling weepy and down. I have realized that my son has not changed at all. He says that family won't help him but that's not true.While Sydney, his father tried to help but my son refused it. My oldest son said that he has burnt all his bridges with his family because of his abusive behavior.
I am not sure how to deal with this situation and your advice would be greatly welcomed.

Branka xxx

[Guest909]

G'day Branka

You have an interesting story. It is unusual, but your life is your life. You have to live a life that makes you happy. If that means living with your ex daughter-in-law then that is your business. You obviously get along and that is what really matters.

I don't think that your decision was selfish; why would anyone want to live with a narcissist. After all, that is why you moved out of his home in the first place.

The best way to deal with the situation is to do nothing; let the youngest boy rant and rave; he will never be happy no matter what you do.

If he becomes threatening and aggressive, let the law deal with him. IVO's within family units are not uncommon. You may be his mother, but that does not mean you (or his ex) have to put up with your son's abuse.

As I said, who you choose to live with is your business.

[Branka]

Hi Mr Paul

Thank you for your response and valued comments. My son came over this morning and the first thing he said was, have I made a decision about my living arrangements with my daughter in law. I said no. He proceeded to yell at me but I tried hard not to let him bait me. He said that he will come to visit whenever he wants regardless of our agreement that he only visit when she is at work.
My daughter in law does not want to see him and he does nothing but abuse her.
I told him if his behaviour continues then I don't want to see him.
This is such a hard thing to say and leaves me miserable for the rest of the day.
Setting boundaries with him is extremely difficult because he abuses them and shows no respect.
I am totally tired of arguing with him because there is no compromise and it is a no win situation.

Branka xxx

[Guest909]

Hi Branka

You are correct in saying, "it is a no win situation". All that I can tell you is you cannot reason with a narcissist; they just don't get it. It is always about them; what you want does not matter.

As I said previously; you have an option. You might not like the option, but if you fear for your own safety or your daughter-in-law fears for her safety, you or she can apply for an Intervention Order (IVO) at the local police station. I would suggest this as a measure of last resort. To my knowledge, threats to you or your daughter-in-law are valid grounds for an IVO.

Family or not, you cannot allow your son to run your life; you need to set some boundaries. If you need an IVO to set those boundaries; then so be it.

Please stay in touch; other members on this forum have been through similar situations.

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Dear Mr Paul, excuse me butting inn, your advice is sound under the circumstances.

Branka I most certainly do remember your posts from 2017-2018. One of the reasons I remember them was my admiration, you had faced a most difficult situation -one where many would simply have caved in - and won!

I remember you posting from your car as it was the only place you could be -a truly horrible time in your life.

I'm glad you get on with your DIL, if the two of you are freinds that's pretty good, I suspect shared adversity may have helped there. Even so she may not be as strong as you, do not let her undermine any of your efforts. As you well know it is easy to slip back into old ways.

Now we get to the bit where I will be frank. You won the battle, and it is no time to doubt yourself. The reason you do is simply becuse your younger son is an untruthful self-centered bully who knows what buttons to press to try to make you feel the guilt and self-doubt you did before. There is no way you want to go back to that.

Hopefully he gave up or failed his police entrance assessment, we do not need his type in the force.

As you say there can be no compromise, and his presence is something you simply cannot afford to have around.

I'm afraid it is time for strenght again. Your property, your rules, If he shows up and does not leave the instant you see him then call the police and ask for assistance in getting rid of a trespasser, you may have to explain the background and you fear his presence. Refer them to SafeSteps plus 1800Respect who got you the hotel room then the flat and looked after your cat

Then an AVO or whatever it is called in your state, see your local police station to start that off, and ensure it is enforced by photos and complaints each time he approaches

Which reminds me, do you still have Miranda?

Look, you have won already and the hard part was not your son so much as battling your own self doubt and lack of self esteem -injuries both of which he caused. Now that you have won don't wast it, keep him out of your life- that's what you need

May I ask if you are still receiving medical support for your anxiety and depression conditions? I'd imagine this would have brought them back full force.

Do you have any contact with your older son now, and do you still have that job you enjoyed?

Despite the circumstances I'm pleased to see you and would really like to know how you get on, I have every faith in your strenght and hard won wisdom

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Just popping my head in to see how you are going

Croix