Boyfriend cheated - I can't forgive

Kree · ‎21-08-2015

I'm 40, I left my emotionally abusive husband of 17yrs for a long-distant relationship. Two years on, he became cold, distant and I noticed some very constant bantering between him and a woman on FB. I confronted him about it when he visited me in April, and he assured me there was no interest on his end. I figured I was just going through depression and anxiety again and I needed to go back on my meds with the horrible side effects but the panic and suspicion never left. When I went to visit him in July, I needed to use his computer and I found videos he'd made for her during the time he was cold toward me. I confronted him and he assured me he ended it mid-March, had not actually sent the videos (I call BS, but that's for him to feel guilty about) that it was an ego boost and he'd been angry about something I said and had refused to discuss it. He appeared to be genuinely sorry for his indiscretion, and as he'd been back to his normal self for a while I figured he had ended it. We exhausted our discussion and made love and immediately he gets a text from her asking if he'd killed their private fb group! He told me he had unfriended her, but he kept a naughty group just for them going? And still texting her? I have since had major trust issues and he has, to his credit, been accepting my verbal beatings and constantly bringing up how hurt I am. Recently, I joined Twitter and found him there. A lot of the people he's following are gorgeous women who's profile pics are them with bikini or less and he commented just a few days ago on one of them who posted a selfie. I went off the handle (figured I don't need meds because I was right about him cheating after all - it wasn't in my head). I can't handle his perving. I have severe body dysmorphia and obsessive compulsive personality disorder with my anxiety and depression. A little discretion would have been appreciated so I stop thinking I'm the equivalent of a microwave dinner, rather than the fillet mignon he saw at a restaurant. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again because I never forgive; but I can't seem to end it. We do have many really great memories and I WANT to go back to that serotonin high I had last year and the year before while I felt like the only woman in his mind. Now I feel like I'm just the woman who is ugly enough for a shy guy to feel comfortable talking to while he's thinking of someone else. Has anyone else with these sorts of problems been able to truly forgive?

white knight · ‎21-08-2015

Hi Kree, welcome

I'd love to hear from others on this forum if they would forgive and forget if their partner had an affair.

Personally No....once its broken trust is gone.

Tony WK

geoff · ‎22-08-2015

dear Kree, thank you for posting on the forum, with a very sad and upsetting comment.

Your emotionally abusive husband who enjoys himself with other women, I could never personally believe what he has to say when he says 'it's ended' or 'I haven't sent any videos', he's been caught.

What I'm about to say may sound to be stupid on my part, but I caught my wife (ex) ringing from a public phone box, not once but 3 times, and the stupid part is that we still talk and see each other on family occasions, but when I caught her the first time I was border line to breaking down, it would have happened, but probably started much quicker, but I never trusted her again, although she refused to admit anything.

Trust is a main priority for me and if it's tarnished once I would move on.

We all tell lies we all know this, but when the person who we are in love with, sleep with and have sexual relations with, then honesty and trust means so much.

All of us are attracted to someone and instantly fall in love with them, but it's only platonic.

I can't tell you what to do, but I could advice or suggest what to do, but I don't think I need to say. L Geoff. x

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎24-08-2015

Okay I think monogamy is against human nature and it's morally wrong that it's the expected default relationship, so I'll stay away from that part.

A side issue: Since you mention body dysmorphia and feeling ugly, I suggest experimenting with makeup, clothing, exercise regime, personal trainer, pouting, acting "cute" etc. to make yourself feel more sexy.

Kree · ‎29-08-2015

I disagree about monogamy; it's not against human nature, it's against your nature. I don't judge anyone for how they live their life as long as they're honest, up front and the choices do not impinge on anyone else's rights and liberties. What consenting adults do behind closed doors is their own business. Monogamy is not a choice for me. It's who I am. Polyamory is obviously who you are.

Again, horses for courses. Not for me. Makeup makes the wrinkles more prominent. I don't feel comfortable with people looking at me - I didn't even walk down the aisle when I got married many years ago because I didn't want that attention. I have no money for personal trainers or acting classes (not that I'd bother with it) and I work night shift so I never get adequate sleep and my sleep is all messed up.

All I wanted out of this, really, is to figure out if it's possible to forgive the cheating. He was everything to me. I never stopped showering him with love and compliments. And he told me right from the start that he wanted a loving, monogamous relationship with a woman he could talk to because one day we'd be old and the physical love would have ceased and he wanted to be intimate with conversation when that happened. He was the one who started the lovey-dovey stuff. I had never been the mushy type till I fell in love with him. believe me: if I break it off with him, I will never let another man near me again.

white knight · ‎30-08-2015

Hi Kree,

They say "never say never" but I get your point.

Many years ago I commence my dream of living in the hills, alone with my uni student daughter visiting on weekends. A one bedroom cabin with loft for her and the simple life away from society. Then 5 years ago I married her auntie by marriage. It's still the dream, cabin in the hills but I share it with the most wonderful lady. And its a 3 bedroom cabin...

Your question is one you'll need to answer yourself but what my good friend Geoff and I agree on, that neither of us could trust once trust is broken....is likely your guide as you are similar in values. The big step of course- to leave him isn't an easy one. Once its done though is become easier over time.

I wish you luck with which ever way you go.

Tony WK

geoff · ‎31-08-2015

dear Kree, by having a Polyamory relationship firstly it's forbidden and certainly in Australia plus many other countries, but I'm a little confused with your reply, as you say 'I disagree about monogamy', as well as 'Monogamy is not a choice for me', however at the finish you say 'I will never let another man near me again'!!

L Geoff. x

geoff · ‎31-08-2015

dear Kree, sorry forgot to say exactly what Tony said, 'trust is trust', and once it's broken nothing could redeem the doubt that hovers over your head. L Geoff. x

Robin75 · ‎14-09-2015

Surely trust can be rebuilt. It'll never be the same, but look at the results of "the same". Today's wisdom seems to be to finish a marriage when trouble starts. I'd give anything to go back and have a frank discussion before our troubles started. I'd take a bath in boiling oil if I thought there was a snowballs chance in hell of reconciliation.

If he's pulling his end of the bargain and trying to change, I'd keep an open mind and try to trust again. However, no change, no chance.

Well_Being_Coach · ‎18-09-2015

Hi,

Gosh, betrayal is hard to process, especially if it is your partner. We all go through changes in our lives and our 'genetic imprinting' has a lot to do with our behaviour. Who has not been through a time where silly decisons are made and you probably would not make them again.

If you can forgive your partner that is healing, you dont need to forgive the action however. The two are seperate. If it continues as a pattern then ask yourself : Is this life 'healing or harmful' to me. 😉