Blindsided ending to my relationship

[lost6]

Hey,

This is my first post here. I guess I'm just incredibly confused, lost and overwhelmed at the moment so trying to get support here and see if someone else is going through the same thing and how they're coping. My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me completely out of the blue. I had rang up to simply see how his day was on my way home from work and it ended with him asking to come around for a chat and, after staying for only 15 minutes, told me it was over. No compromise, no discussion but worst of all no explanation. We had spent the weekend together just before this happened and there were no signs. He told me I was his soul mate and we talked about our future together only the day before he broke up with me. Only a week before we broke up we booked flights for a weekend away next month. Our relationship was full of happiness and love. We had travelled overseas together, our parents had met and became friends and we were planning on moving in together in a few months time. He has since asked for space and has told me that he wont be able to give me an explanation for a very long time which has left me battling with myself about what has happened.

Looking at our relationship I thought it was perfect. However, I do see now that maybe it was 'too' perfect. We hadn't had one fight in the year together, there was never conflict between us and he would always reassure me he was ok and shut down whenever I tried to encourage him to speak what was on his mind. After reading different articles I see now these are red flags about communication problems. I guess I just wish that he had opened up to me, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation. I am absolutely heart broken and feel like I have lost half of my world and had my future ripped away from me. I'm struggling to socialise only seeing my closest friends at the moment. I feel like I'm just surviving through each day at the moment just waiting for the pain to slightly get better.

[White_Rose]

Dear Kirsten

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you have been having such a rough time. Falling in love can be wonderful and the comfort of being with the person you want to be with is amazing. As I said to Lost, you will get over it and come out the other side. While I am not suggesting you analyse every moment you were together it may be useful to think about this romance and look at where it went wrong. Don't believe it was your fault as it sounds as though this man really has no self control and simply takes what he wants.

Your needs do not appear to have a priority with him even though this is what we expect in a solid relationship, which makes it hard to manage. It sounds like you have assessed his character pretty well including chasing you until he got his reward. I wonder when you first met him what were your feelings. Because he chased you so hard it appeared he had some really strong feelings for you and it is very attractive to be cared for. Did your heart say no to him? It is hard to refuse someone who cares about you.

My guess is that he will not return and that's probably for the best. You are right to question if he will stay should he make the attempt. It's always good to listen to your body and take heed of what it is saying to you. I suggest you consider very carefully what he has to say if he wants to return. Drinking, using drugs and having one-night stands does not make him an attractive person.

Depression can make us many things and if he has a severe depression he may well not realise how much he has hurt you because depression causes us to look inwards and not consider other people. We simply do not see them. Maybe he needs to seriously attend to his well-being and work on his depression before you get together again. Whatever happens I suggest you think carefully about your relationship looking at the time you were together. In retrospect can you see any warning signs?

I know it's hard to do this when you hurt so much and you feel incomplete without him. Try to imagine your lives together with the knowledge you now have. It is attractive? I hope you make a decision you feel comfortable with if he comes calling again.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Lost

Good to hear from you. Thank you for understanding my post. I am not always sure what I should say and if it is helpful. Sometimes I feel topics simply need to be raised while acknowledging that it is always your decision to take what action you feel is right.

Moving on is always tough. It seems you will always be alone and life will just drag with you being unhappy. It really will get better. Our hearts get broken but they are tough. Grieve for your ex and take what lessons you want from this. I know separations can make you feel you never want another partner in your life. That's OK. Do the things you want to do and make your life as happy and fulfilled as you wish. Perhaps I am looking too far ahead but I have noticed that decent men enjoy the company of women who are self reliant and confident. They are usually happy to share their lives in an equal partnership.

Listen to your body when you meet someone new and try to not allow this relationship cloud any future relationships.

Mary

[kirsten1991]

Thanks for your reply, i didnt get involved at the start as i had been hurt before and didnt want to put myself back in a position to go through it again.

when we were together he was nothing but perfect, he understood my isues, he stood by me, he was romantic, sweet, generally just amazing. he stopped being out all the time and prefered dates with me. he got me tattoed onto his wrist and asked to meet my mum, he would speak to my family on the phones, all this stuff, its not something a guy ever did before. we spoke about our pasts and he confided that he had depression before and turned to drink and drugs and he left that life and since we met his demons completely went away, he got out of debt, it was perfct.

last night he messaged to ask how i was, he told me he was out on the weekend and everyone he knew was asking about us and that he then dreamt of me last night so thought he would message me.. he told me the fire has gone, not from us but from him and when he thinks of me hurting he cries as he knows deep down he loves and cares and would do anything to have the life we had, or even the feelings.

when i talk about us he gets mad, he says he doesnt wanna go over it because all it does is remind him of everything he lost, that he hates himself and feels so low that he feels nothing and that he would give anything to feel what he felt with me and us.

i am just so hurt because i feel like he contacted me and i got my hopes up, even though i dont want to forgive him cheating as he always knew i wouldnt, i just really loved him!