Blindsided ending to my relationship

[lost6]

Hey,

This is my first post here. I guess I'm just incredibly confused, lost and overwhelmed at the moment so trying to get support here and see if someone else is going through the same thing and how they're coping. My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me completely out of the blue. I had rang up to simply see how his day was on my way home from work and it ended with him asking to come around for a chat and, after staying for only 15 minutes, told me it was over. No compromise, no discussion but worst of all no explanation. We had spent the weekend together just before this happened and there were no signs. He told me I was his soul mate and we talked about our future together only the day before he broke up with me. Only a week before we broke up we booked flights for a weekend away next month. Our relationship was full of happiness and love. We had travelled overseas together, our parents had met and became friends and we were planning on moving in together in a few months time. He has since asked for space and has told me that he wont be able to give me an explanation for a very long time which has left me battling with myself about what has happened.

Looking at our relationship I thought it was perfect. However, I do see now that maybe it was 'too' perfect. We hadn't had one fight in the year together, there was never conflict between us and he would always reassure me he was ok and shut down whenever I tried to encourage him to speak what was on his mind. After reading different articles I see now these are red flags about communication problems. I guess I just wish that he had opened up to me, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation. I am absolutely heart broken and feel like I have lost half of my world and had my future ripped away from me. I'm struggling to socialise only seeing my closest friends at the moment. I feel like I'm just surviving through each day at the moment just waiting for the pain to slightly get better.

[Fallen_apart]

My fiance did something similar on valentines day. After 15 years together I got the same phone call, basically told me she didn't think it was going to work, cherry picked her stuff and moved in with her family. She didn't answer calls or messages for 3 weeks and I have still never got a straight answer to what she's thinking or feeling.

This ate me up for a long time, and still does a bit, but there's no users manual to life and nobody's perfect, myself included. She did what she thought she had to do and she did it the only way she could at the time. Ultimately I know it really wasn't a whole lot easier for her either. Its taken a long time, but forgiving her for that has eased the burden on me a little. I never gave up on us and I'm proud of that.

i understand well that loss, best friend, future etc and every day is still a struggle for me. But slowly all that cliche stuff you don't want to hear at the time starts to come true. You just have to push on and believe that better days will come. They will.

[lost6]

Thanks for replying. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this as well. 15 years is certainly a long time and you did a great job on never giving up. Do you still talk?

i should’ve added that with my breakup the excuse I got was that he had decided that he had no energy for the relationship anymore. He acknowledged his mental health had taken a negative turn and believes being alone will allow him to work it out. It’s great he sees that he needs help but I wish I could be there by his side. I’m just incredibly confused how you can go from saying you love someone and mean it and less than 24 hours later break up and not be able to explain why you came to that conclusion and not allow a discussion. Today is a tough day but I’m getting through work and seeing a friend tonight. Are you still catching up with friends? Do you have a hobby?

[Sadness9]

Sorry for barging in randomly but read your post and couldn’t help but write to you. My boyfriend of nearly 5 years also broke up with me similarly to yours. It was completely out of no where and he also said being by himself would help him figure things out. His closed off, doesn’t like talking about his feelings. Keeps saying things like “you don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be fine“ “I don’t want my problems to be your problems”

[White_Rose]

Hello Lost6, Sadness9 and Fallen Apart

I am on the other side of a break up. After 30 years I decided I could not go on living with my ex. That was 18 years ago. I think he was as shocked as you ladies were. He has never asked why and I have never offered an explanation. I thought he would know why I left, after all I did tell him on many occasions how I felt I was a convenience for him, how I was fed up with his bullying etc. So I left.

It was a struggle as I had not lived alone for so long and my confidence was eroded by living with him. After a year I fell into a huge depression and as I look back I wonder I survived. I struggled hard to understand why he is the person he is and gradually saw what a dreadful childhood he had and how he tried to believe he was as good as anyone else. Knowing these things as I do now may suggest we should get back together but there is no chance of that.

I know what he suffered but I also know his siblings got through it and manage their current lives and marriages. I always felt I was the person he took out all his anger on as though I was a substitute for his mother who mistreated her children so very badly. Even now I feel afraid of making my own decisions and living the life I want because I could not do so before.

I am not suggesting our situations are similar other than a parting from our partners. I think I am saying that apparently sudden decisions to part are not usually sudden but the result of one partner coming to that decision over a period of time. I know that was true in my case though my ex was clearly surprised. I know I could not have found the words to explain why I was leaving even though I could point to examples when I felt mistreated.

Looking back at various incidents does not make a full explanation because there was an undercurrent of unhappiness and fear and I did not believe I had the strength to manage on my own, yet I despised myself for that lack of courage. I have no idea how different matters would have been had I left many years before and there is no point trying to guess. He and I live with our hurts from that marriage. It's been a long journey for me to believe in myself.

Don't know if that helps or clarifies anything in your respective lives. I felt I needed to explain why some things happen from the opposite perspective. Love to read your comments.

Mary

[Fallen_apart]

Hi lost6

Yeah it is really confusing, that immediate turn around, but as white rose said, I know in my case it was a long time coming and maybe in yours as well. Its not an easy decision to make for anyone and once its made I guess you just have to run with it. I got hung up on the reasons why for a long time until I realised it didn't really change the outcome. Some reflection is helpful to avoid repeating mistakes but to dwell on something I'll never know was not helpful in moving forward. I still think about it often but make a conscious effort to just forgive and look to the road ahead.

i can also tell you that my ex couldn't help with my mental state. Not that she didn't want to, she inadvertently added to the pressure even though she just tried to help. Feeling like I was letting her down compounded things somewhat and it was an impossible thing to verbalise at the time.

Our situations are different but the outcome is the same. I didn't want to hijack your thread with my story but I hope maybe it can add some perspective to yours. It has helped me knowing people have gone through similar things and bounce back ok.

[lost6]

Hi fallen apart and white rose,

Fallen apart, I can’t imagine the pain you are going through after your 5 year relationship ended. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. How long ago was your breakup?

I spoke to my ex last week and asked him when the relationship started changing for him. He swore that the decision was a ‘switch’ and that he truly meant what he said only the day before we broke up about me being his soul mate and that he loved me. For the last week I have been struggling terribly wondering how someone can leave another person in an instant when they are meant to love you. I feel discarded, used and just left to the side trying to pick up my life now. They’re horrible feelings to have on a daily basis but I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

[White_Rose]

Hello Lost

Who knows when decisions to part are made. I have no doubt your ex genuinely believes it was a sudden decision, possibly because the decision was made in his subconscious mind. The revelation of that decision was probably a surprise to him initially but all the pros and cons and even the idea of separation was likely there on the back burner for some time. I doubt he would have made his decisions so quickly otherwise.

So what can you do? It is incredibly hard to put to one side the love you felt for him and to cope with the hurt. There is no shortcut to recovery I am sorry to say. Instead talk about your hurt and how much you miss him to those who will listen without trying to 'fix' you. Empathy is when someone sits with you and validates your story. It's an important part of your recovery, so if there is no one in your life who can do this, continue to write in here where we can sit with you for as long as you wish.

I know the pain in your chest, the urge to scream out your pain and the devastating feeling of loss. It will get better I promise and you will be happy again. But for the moment it means holding on tight to as many people who will support and love you. The pain will ease.

Mary

[lost6]

Hi White Rose,

The first paragraph was tough to read. But I think it may have been true so thank you for your honesty. I will never know when he made the decision to end it. I guess it just made a slight difference in my head about how genuine he was or whether he truly said stuff at times because he was a compulsive people pleaser. I have spoken to professionals and they say that some people with depression can improve their own self-worth and self-confidence by pleasing and keeping others around them happy so I do wonder how much of the affectionate, loving stuff wasn't as genuine as it seemed by the end. But this is just me completely over-analysing and getting stuck in my own thoughts. You're right though, it doesn't change the outcome, but I just wish he had spoken to me. My heart is still broken and I now have to move on and re-create my future without him- something I thought I'd never have to do.

You summed up the pain I'm feeling really well in the last paragraph. Exercising is really helping to combat though. I'm also seeing friends regularly. I guess I'm doing everything right. I have read others stories similar to mine and they give me strength that I will eventually be completely fine (maybe even stronger) after this!

[kirsten1991]

Hi all,

I am new to all this, not really being one to open up and communicate with my feelings, I recently dated someone for 9 months, we lived together, spent all our time together, he came to Bali to meet my mum recently and on the way back from Bali he got stopped and refused entry back into australia, we were separated for a week and argued as we both were struggling, he was on a big bender all week feeling depressed and slept with someone else. He ended it the next morning and wouldnt explain why. I flew back to Bali as a suprise i had planned and he told me everything, we sat crying for hours and he asked me to give him a chance. we then spent 5 weeks travelling vietnam together and had a great time, admittedly we had less sex because he was always drinking, something he has issues with when he left his home country before coming to australia. we said good bye (what was only going to be max 2 months) and both cried and broke down at the airport, the next 2 days he got very drunk and we continued to swallow in the loss of our lives here in australia. the day he flew home, i got a message with a video of him and another girl. i confronted him and he thought i was lying, demanded to see the video. he told me he was sorry over and over but then spent the next 2 days on drink and drugs, refusing to answer my calls and just saying he was sorry. the following day he told me he loves me so much but he couldnt do this, since then he was cried, explained he is so depressed at being back home, that he turned back to drink ad that he cant be with me right now, that he feels nothing about anything, that he is miserable, that he does love me but isnt in love as he doesnt feel anything for anything. its now been 3 days of no contact and i dont know what to think or feel. we were so happy, he cheated and yet he wants space. I have suffered mild depression before too but i never stopped loving or wanting my partner from it. he knew i had a really hard past and he chased me for months to get my walls down, i begged him not to get involved if he was gonna hurt me like both my exs. i feel like i meant nothing, like i was a challenge. Surely someone doesnt just stop loving you because they are depressed. especially when i was leaving oz for him. i dont know whether to trust him and think he will love me and come back or if the novelty of me wore thing because he is now home and can sleep around.