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Blaming myself for them breaking up with me.

Guest0090
Community Member
Hey guys.

I'm going through a very rough break up. We were engaged and she broke our entire relationship off becausebshe couldn't let go of past issues. Mistakes I made in the past include opening up to her about my issues when she asked me to, this relates to family issues and she said that it made her feel like her issues didn't matter. I actively tried to cope with these issues on my own because it isn't fair to put them on your partner but this upset her more because she felt I didn't trust her. I have explained multiple times that it is my issue and that i don't want it to affevt our relationship but it did. I couldn't be sexual with her due to these stresses, and explained that it was the stresses and not her, she's the most beautiful person in the world to me and I've never even looked at anyone else. She kept things from me for fear I would be angry if she spoke up. In the past I have gotten frustrated when she pushes issues onto me but I never ever get angry, I simply ask her to give me time to think about it and then we would work on a solution and things would be okay again.
9 Replies 9

Guest0090
Community Member
I know she's scared of me leaving her, this is due to past relationships she has been treated horribly and so Iunderstand where she is coming from, as I too have been hurt in the past. We work through those doubts and things cone out better than ever. We had a rough few months where she shut down and when i would ask for us to talk she would say it doesn't matter. I would be open and listen and tell her it does matter, that she matters and we would talk and work through things. This time though she didn't open up completely and started to despise me for not being able to I guess read her mind? I knew something was off s oi I would ask and we would work through things but it led to our demise. She cannot forgive me for the hurt I caused her by not realising things were off, and seems to be thinking only of the bad things, putting them onto me. We cut contact as of Thursday last week after she asked for friendship and i told her I love her too much to be friends with her. She left me with hope of reconciliation but changed her mind after two weeks and i told her that's it. I can't anymore. Her last words to me were I really love you. I've removed her from everything, and am struggling to come to terms with how i actively worked on myself and she just hated on me the entire time. I made mistakes. I chased her, I let her convince me we could have a future. I asked a friend's to check she is okay. I miss her. I love her. I'm lost and confused. But I'm letting go. I'm respecting her wishes and letting her go

Guest0090.

I can imagine how difficult this must be for you and what an emotional and confusing situation to experience. Relationships can be really tough, especially if there is past trauma and lack of willingness to communicate - part of being in a committed and health relationship is being open about everything. Nothing is secret - that impacts trust and without trust - there is serious issues that will cause both parties difficulties. You can still be with your partner, however, things need to change between you two and you have identified what the issue is. It' is up to you if you are willing to fight for her and prove to her then you can be trusted and be as open as you can with her.

Honestly mate it sounds like shes the one with commitment and openess issues.

Can have a relationship with someone who decides not to engage in meaningful discussions

MaryBe
Community Member

Hello guest0090,

I agree with Jsua in regards to being open with your partner. I have also been in a relationship where I wasn't able to express my hurt for fear of my partner getting angry and it meant that I ended up feeling I didn't matter. I loved him very much and did not shy away from issues where we had different views or opinions. Love conquers all, right? I also forgave him for a lot of hurt he had caused. It was very confusing to be told many times of how much he loved me and wanted us to share a future together and then being broken up many times. Being discarded. Starting new relationships straight away. I always blamed myself and still have moments where I feel I am just not good enough and I will never find my life long partner. But its two months now that I haven't seen him and I now understand that a healthy relationship is about communication and being totally open and being able to trust your partner. My partner like you has gone through bad trauma and I have too. Still I believe that mutual love does make it possible to share a beautiful life with the right person who wants to work through problems in the relationship and if necessary with help of professionals. He did not want to do that, so all it tells me is that he did not love me and I have to move on and remind myself every day that yes I am good enough for the right person. If she loves you and you love her work through your problems. Get help if you need to. All the best to you two.

MaryBe
Community Member
and never be afraid to open up with your partner. Being vulnerable with your partner allows you to build trust:)

Hey MaryBe.

Sorry to hear of your experiences. What you said is defiantly correct though. To add, when two people are mutually in love with each other, they never want to leave each other no matter the situation and will fight and support each other throughout the remainder of their life. For the people who cannot commit usually have difficulties understanding what love is and that's something within them self.

Ding ding ding

Thats my wife who left me, shes just turned 30 and this was her 2nd marriage.

They don't have an appreciation for what love really is and the true commitment it takes.

Its almost a game for them

Theborderline.

Have a read of this if you'd like, you may enjoy it:

www.conscious-transitions.com/when-youre-not-attracted-to-your-partner

Guest0090
Community Member
Thank You for your insight. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

In terms of me not being open to communicate, I have always been open, I've made sure to listen and work on our issues together as a team. I didn't intend to hide things from her, at first I thought it was just a bit of stress and i didn't want to bother her with it (I told her stuff was going on but didn't want to put it on her). When I realised what was actually going on I was embarrassed but told her straight away. If i was upset and couldn't understand why, I would tell her I'm upset, im trying to figure out why, but i promise it is not you, you make me happy and make the world a better place just with your presence. I didn't hide things from her that were serious, it was my own issue with my family, she knew about it and I had spoken to her about it alot so i didn't want to bother her with it.

I fought for her. She didn't want me to and it was pushing her away so i have her space and she said that she is happier without me. I respect her decision, I don't want to hurt her further for fighting for something she doesn't want.