Binge drinking

[Guest_14057205]

• My partner is a binge drinker.  Starts with a few drinks one night, a bottle wine the next then 2 and then days of drinking, passing out waking up and continuing to drink.  I have been at the receiving end of the blame for so many things.  She blames me for her selling her house.  She cannot stand the fact that I have been married before.  She cannot say why she drinks.  She has admitted on numerous occasions that it is an issue and she needs help but never gets any.  We have planned a future together and in one of her up phases, bought a house.  Again the drink has raised its head.  I'm not sure what to do as the drinking is affecting how I feel about our relationship and our/my future.  Having just bought a house I feel hemmed in and have no idea what to do.

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and am realy sorry to see the situation you are in. First off it is a pity about the house, it sort of hems you in and does not let you make the choices you otherwise might.

As I'm sure you know alcohol dependence is a progressive addiction which simply continues ot get worse.

Actually there are two people that need help, your partner and you. It is important for you to have assistance coping so you do not blame yourself, that you do not try to 'rescue' the person from their actions, if the fall flat on the lawn and go to sleep then bringing them inside (unless it is dangerous or leads to illness) is a means of shielding them from the results of their actions and enable it to go longer.

Talk will not normally work and the person concerned is probably as powerless as you to change matters, it takes an expert. Any chance you get when they are sober encourage them getting help

You mentioned being blamed for various things unjustifiably. Consider not putting up with that. Please also do not thing all will come right by itself, to put it bluntly that is unlikely, more likely some sort of disaster will happen - hopefully not to do with driving.

There are various support groups for people whose loved ones abuse alcohol. I'd suggest you contact our 24/7 help line  and see if they know of one in your area

Croix

[Scared]

Well that is great news that your partner admits to having a problem and needs help.  I would see that as something positive and hopeful.   I wont tell you what to do but will tell you what I do and how I think.   My g/f had a gambling addiction..   I took responsibility for my relationship I had with her and got her help .  After all I was being affected by her gambling too so it became my problem as well to which i take my share of responsibility in fixing MY relationship.   I see no gains in telling her its her problem and she needs to fix this alone.  And again I took this same approach to having her scitzoprenia diagnosed and now she is on the right medication.  After all her scitzophrenia was affecting my life too.   In short i take Action but that does not mean the addict does nothing.  Quite contrary to this is they have alot of hard work ahead of them probably alot more.  So there is always hope for those prepared to put in some work and if it doesnt work then you can always leave without regrets

[therising]

I think a key question for any drinker is 'Do you know why you drink?'. As a gal who's an ex drinker, I'd say my reasons involved 1) wanting a mind altering experience where I didn't have to feel the impact of depression and 2) it being based on the fact that I didn't know how to do life in certain ways without alcohol. I was dependent on it, to varying degrees, in regard to it helping me 'manage' my emotions and certain challenges in life. Of course, if binge drinking's involved, it's technically mismanagement. Do you know why your partner drinks? Is she conscious of why she drinks? Perhaps she's not fully aware of the reasons, she simply likes the mind altering experience.

Definitely challenging in a whole number of ways for the partner of a drinker. While my husband and I began our relationship as great drinking buddies, he continues to drink which has caused some sense of separation over the years (in a variety of ways). While gradually waking up to the challenges involved, when it comes to living with a drinker, we can begin to see how we may be taking responsibility for what they need to be conscious of, based on alcohol impacting a person's state of consciousness. We have to manage when to have important conversations that we need them to remember. So, it's about strategically choosing the right times (sober moments). It can also be about managing the types of conversations we have with them, so as not to trigger them while they've been drinking. What I mean my this is...if there are sage-like, reasonable or completely logical aspects within a person, these aspects tend to 'go to sleep' in a person who's been drinking. You could say they're sedated. If we need our partner to have a wise, reasonable of logical perspective on something important, it's not going to happen. Instead, what we may end up with is a fight, as they fight to avoid the conversation. The list goes on when it comes to the responsibility put on the partner of a drinker. Such a level of responsibility can create a sense of frustration, disappointment, resentment, anger and more. The added challenge involves having to learn to better understand and manage our own emotions, as well as our partner's emotions.

Do you think if your partner began to wake up to why she drinks in the ways she does that this could begin to make some difference? A word of warning: If she drinks because she's depressed and she's led to wake up further, when it comes to the reasons as to why she's depressed, this can become incredibly challenging and painful. While becoming more conscious of what's depressing can lead to a lot of enlightening revelations for us to positively move forward through, it can become dark before the dawning (before things fully come to light).