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Back on the horse?

Community Member

Hi Everyone, I've always struggled with making friends. I taught myself how to make "friends" but years on it still takes a huge amount of energy and all I seem to achieve is coffee and light chat (on my side, I quite often listen to other's concerns).

I thought I'd made real progress and formed a lovely three way friendship. But recently one of them invited the other lady, pal B back to hers. Her enthusiastic persuading of pal B while ignoring me went on so long it was embarrassing. Eventually pal B turned to me and asked did I want to come too. I was so grateful to her because as this was going on I'd confidently thought, A will invite me in a minute then when that didn't happen I rationally thought, she wants to be one on one with B, fair enough and in a minute she'll realize how insensitive she's being and stop then when that didn't happen I just slid right in to my high school coping mechanism of blanking my face and sitting still and pretending this was all ok. When pal B invited me A immediately said I should come too and the next time I saw her she apologized but the time after that, same thing!

So I analysed (of course). How did we get to this place? Oh my, that was a horrible couple of weeks and I realized there had been a lead up but I'd wanted to believe we were all on the level and had doubted and ignored my own instincts.

So basically it's another big fat friendship fail. I'm so gutted, I really thought I'd made some progress in my life. I know I can learn from this. I know now I need to pay more attention to my instincts but how that would have helped I'm not actually sure.

I'm not sure I have the energy to get back on the horse and start over trying to find new friends. Maybe I'd be happier if I stopped trying? I'd love to hear from others who've struggled with friendships for a lifetime. Did you work out how to make real friends eventually? Did you want to? What did you get out of it? Is it worth it? Is it less painful to be on your own? (I do have a family so not totally on my own) but sometimes I think I was happier when I had no friends and therefore no relationships to deal with but also no one to judge me for having no friends.

5 Replies 5

Community Member

Hey ya Gracie.

One thing l've always notice is in 3 , there's usually one favors on and another favors another and on and on. Espcially in women and it could be innocent or just how it is or she's getting a little sniggy yaknow, l'd put it down to a whatever and try not to worry about it too much.

lf it was another group of 3 you might be the one that clicks with another a nit more than the third next time. Although l shouldn't even be attempting ta comment on female friendships anyway haha after watching my daughters fun and games for years with hers. The girls are a whole nother animal.

l dunno about friendships either, l've almost excepted these days that l'll probably never keep long friendships. It's just been a thing my whole life and even usually when l do make a great friend, one of us moves away , that's happened every time through my life , weird.

But on another side of the coin , l seem to to be a really strange mix, like people like me , they notice me, they feel a click with me and def' often show a different kind of respect to me but yet on the other hand , l've never seemed to attract the kinds of on going friendships that stick around or chase me up if l'm laying low at the time or whatever.

Soooo , l'm still not sure of the whole thing , especially women friendships. One other thing l have notcied though is trying to hard def' back fires but eh , again , women , dunno. They do ot all differently haha. But hang in there and chin up eh.

Elizabeth CP
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
I wish I had the answer because I also have a similar problem. You either appear too needy so you aren't wanted or appear uninterested so they think you don't care. I don't feel confident to give the right impression so I can be accepted. I'd be interested if others had suggestions to help us both.

Yes I know what you mean. I often find myself being the one who initiates contact. If people say they'll have me round or organise something I don't take it seriously, it never happens. I accept I'll be the one initiating things but then if I get turned down a couple of times I'm left wondering if they'll feel like I'm stalking them if I ask them to another thing or, as has happened in the past I start to feel taken for granted as they decide at the last minute if they'll come or not and it seems like they're waiting for a better offer. People say be yourself but that never works for me, as soon as I relax a little that's when they see what a weirdo I really am!

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Gracie,

In my (limited) experience, group friendships can be a minefield for this type of stuff - people can be left out, others can be favoured etc. That being said, I don’t think you should be so rash as to call it off so fast. I think that well-placed humor in this situation will serve you well, like next time she does this in front of you, say something like “what am I, chopped liver?”. I think it gets your point across while providing you with some cover and also asking for a please explain. I’m sure she will stop and “oh no I just thought [insert reason]”. There may be a perfectly logical explanation as to why she invited your friend back only but she hasn’t been provided the opportunity to explain.

Thanks Juliet, I find that kind of practical advice so helpful and it's good to think there's a third road between putting up with it but feeling bad and not seeing her at all. Hopefully I can do this next time.