At a loss, tired, lonely Mum

[rosecolouredglasses]

I am just broken. I can't stop crying, eating and then as soon as the kids get home or I have to enter society, I have to put on this beautiful happy together person. No one would suspect anything but a together person and family. My husbands works constantly. We have been together forever, but I guess that is when I put my life on hold. The kids love my husband, but he is the soft one. I have a super bright child at a selective school who does zero work. He is hard work at home and to me. He is stubborn, pigheaded and basically could not careless about anything or anyone until he realises he has pushed too far and it will impact his comfortable little life. He is bright enough to put enough effort into his relationship with me and school work to get by (just), but the teachers are ringing me frustrated by his lack of motivation and shortcuts. My husband is always the soft one who never has to deal with the calls from the teacher. I set a consequence and a minute later my child has talked my husband into softening it. I have another child. Not as bright, but intrinsically motivated. Certainly not perfect, but from day one of birth much more relaxed and easy going. So much has been taken from my personality, self esteem, everything. I feel worthless and haven't worked for years, so I basically have nothing now and can do nothing. I live my life through my husband and kids. I just eat to take the loneliness away and the depression from getting calls from the school, or the stress from constant arguments with my child. My Mother is tough and is never really there for me unless it works for her, has always been the same. She is actually a nice person, but more interested in doing the right thing by everyone else than her family. My Father just follows whatever she does. I am always there for everyone, when they need me and I have always been happy to be like that. I now need something that will make me value myself again, but I lack the confidence to do that. I want my child to stop arguing about everything and taking a bit more self interest and being more constructive in even just one part of his life. How can a child be so difficult and argumentative and yet lack any intrinsic motivation or even care how his behaviour is impacting those around him. He has always been a difficult child at home and school. He does have a lovely soft, sensitive side, but only when he has broken me or the teacher. I am just lost.

[white knight]

Hi RCG welcome

A few things come to mind. You are in a real pickle atm.

I dont know the ages of your children so bare that in mind with my answer.

It a big challenge not arguing with the eldest. To change your natural reaction to his behaviour. But less words and more direct meaning might be better. Stay away from the generalising eg "youve got to motivate yourself"...better is "finish that project". The first can be taken as a personal criticism the sevond one can only be taken as a direction amd a single focus.

Then add praise. Eg finish that project Billy, I know you can do it, you were great at your last one"

Praise can be indirect. On the phone to a friend and Billy is in listening range? "And Billy got a good mark for his project, I'm so proud of him"

Jealousy of his younger sibling is a real possibility. Quality time say 20 minutes a night, just you and him. Gold. Connect with praise, praise praise. Ignore negatives and your own issues. Dont mention his sibling.

Hubby. Our character foesnt change. Other things like environment can be changed. We also see things/people more critically when we are unwell which, you are imk showing such signs.

Its a two income world, in cities. Im a great advicate if country life, less debt, calm, tranquility, less work for hubby and back to basics living. Most people cant see the benefits though and difficulties are commuting, car wear etc.

I would definitely recommend a GP visit and a separate one for your eldest..

Google these

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: happy marriage, hobbies and spirit- beyondblue

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

There is a positive side to all this turmoil you are experiencing. You care. This post proves you might be in turmoil but you are proactive in seeking help.

That approach is significant and wonderful. So dont be too hard on yourself.

Tony WK

[rosecolouredglasses]

Thank you. Yes, I am being critical. Would love the country, but in reality, my husband won't work less and won't be able to unless he has a lifestyle career change, which he won't do. He is a high achiever. He is a very loyal husband and a good person, but he can be selfish and he will never change his life for me or for his family.

I have tried a psychologist for my son before to improve his behaviour. He was difficult from day one. He is one of the most strong willed children that one would ever meet. Work with psychologists has worked for a short time and then he chills out and realises he is out of the spotlight and goes back to his old ways. One of the brightest kids around. It is so much more work for me when we do see psychologists because there are tasks that he usually needs to do and I am the one overseeing the tasks and nagging him to do them, otherwise the psychologist says to me, why hasn't he done..... I have just given you the tip of the iceberg with this child. He is more than a challenge. Let's just say that between preschool and primary school, two of his teachers (perhaps the less stable ones) had breakdowns and had to leave the school, the year after having him in their class. Perhaps it was a coincidence, but I know he gave them a hard time.

I am not sure that anyone can help me stop overeating, as it is due to loneliness, anxiety and stress. I know that I am the only person who can do that and the only person who can build up my self esteem is me. I just feel stuck at the moment. I am stuck at home having to deal with my son's frustrated teachers, his rudeness, attitude and laziness and other issues that he has, there is always an issue or multiple issues in one day with him. I am worn out.

[quirkywords]

Rosecolouredglasses

I can see how rundown and worn out you feel.

I am sure you have been told this before, but is your son being challenged enough. I know he doesn't want to do his required work but I hope his teacher is giving him a chance to explore something he is fascinated with.

I used to be a primary teacher so forgive if I am stating the obvious.

It must be so hard for you being the one who has to make your son do things, complete tasks, and generally be the one overseeing his behaviour. That would exhaust anyone.

Is there anything that you can do with your son that you both enjoy, and where you don't need to nag him- could be anything he likes, a game , a swim , a walk. Is there somewhere where he does behave or, something he loves doing ?

At the moment everything you do with your son makes you anxious stressed and so exhausts you.

I know it is difficult with a very clever child as they can manipulate people and their environment.

Is there a school counsellor or a helpful teacher who has given you some ides of how to cope.

Is it possible to explain to your husband how worn out you are?

Has you son be given a label for his behaviour? If he was would that mean you would get more help?

I hope I have not asked two many questions.

I can feel your frustration , being worn out and being stuck. It would be good if you had someone in your life who could share some of the load.

Do you get anytime to go out by yourself, maybe for a swim or the gym or a walk, anything to give you some time to recuperate?

Quirky