Are romantic relationships just not for me?

[Guest_342]

I am in my third long term relationship.In the long term relationships,I have previously found myself around the 1 year mark with a gut feeling that it is not right but feel paralysed about making a decision and end up sitting on the fence for too long out of fear of hurting feelings Often I feel it is because key values don't align.I have had bad anxiety in the past,which I keep under good control nowadays but it does sometimes creep in and I think it might sometimes cloud my judgement - I find it especially hard to distinguish between a flight response from a gut feeling that I should listen to. Also,I am nearing middle-age and have achieved my own successes all on my own to now and find it hard to allow someone into my life at this age. It's far from the teenage or early 20s dating situation where we sometimes had the luxury of time and immaturity to justify dating someone even if they weren't necessarily 'the one'.

I have been with my current partner for around 10 months now. They love me, have no issues in showing affection eg hugs and holding hands kisses, they are content just being in my company and are fully committed to a life together. However, our conversations are not deep - they have trouble opening up about things (issues with their family/trauma, that I don't yet fully know about because I've not wanted to push); if I voice an opinion that I sense they don't agree with they will simply say eg "ok" and be silent (when I've said I'd love them to tell me if they have a differing opinion or don't feel comfortable with my view); they have political views such that I feel I need to walk on eggshells so as not to appear offensive; when I talk about things that are meaningful to me I often only get short responses and no active input into the discussion and quick change of subject. (Physical) intimacy-wise we have some areas of disconnect/non-alignment in terms of needs. I don't want to go into much detail here about the last one, but basically I don't feel overly desired. I have discussed this with them before but from what I can tell, it relates in our case to their level of energy not matching mine and their thoughts and stresses if the outside world also taking over too much in the moment. I want to end things if we're not right for each other, I don't want to sit on the fence and lead them on. Right now the thought of growing old with them doesn't sit well with me. How do I know if I can trust my gut? Or is this just a pattern of mine?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

The contrast of decades ago when couples "courted lol" and now where they move in within weeks is an interesting one because that initial period in the older days included every possible exploration of thoughts and things in common. And, oddly enough rarely they had sex before marriage so only post marriage did they find out compatibility in that also crucial area. So it wasnt foolproof.

So I'm feeling a sense that for your personality that you need to change the process of living with someone before say 18 months at least and put aside modern convention of living earlier with someone, this is about you not what is commonly done.

Unfortunately you cant make a relationship be successful, your compatibility level is set in stone. It's your nature and compromise is only good for the minor day to day actions.

  https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion/td-p/1...

Deep conversations is a case in point. I too have had 3 long term relationships plus my now marriage of 13 years. I'd known my wife for 25 years before we married. In fact she was once my ex wife's sister in law. She was my best friend them days. So when we were both single we connected and havent stopped talking deeply since. That need for both of us is part of our makeup, to help ourselves make sense of the world. 

I think you are facing a challenge that could include some therapy if it would help but if you do separate I suggest this- never stop looking for "the one" and make sure they fit into the person you are seeking without many compromises. 

TonyWK

[therising]

A warm welcome to you as you face this challenge that's come to lead you to so many questions. A quest to find the best co-traveler (partner) on our path in life can hold a heck of a lot of really valid questions in my opinion.

While I can only speak from the experience of one long term relationship, as I've been married to my husband for 22 years, I've learned a lot about myself from that relationship. I believe relationships can be a 'learn as you go' experience when it comes to self understanding and self development. I've learned who I am partly based on who my husband is not. I'll elaborate on that so that you might be able to relate in some way.

• I've learned over the years, through frustration, disappointment and even sadness at times, that my husband prefers not to feel what he's sensitive to. While the frustration, disappointment, sadness and sense of loneliness at times led me to imagine there was something wrong with me, I eventually realised I'm simply a 'feeler' and he's someone who prefers not to be when it comes to the challenging stuff
• I've learned that I passionately love to wonder about pretty much everything. I used to believe that the things I wondered about weren't worth wondering about based on my husband not wanting to discuss them. I eventually felt liberated through the realisation that I'm a passionate wonderer and he's not
• There are some topics that are off limits, which I'd refer to as those 'eggshell topics'. While I like to consider just about everything with an open mind, I used to believe I was 'stupid' for considering such things. Then I came to the realisation that I'm an open minded person and he's not

I'll stop there as I know that, to some, I might sound like I'm bagging him out a bit but that's not the reason for giving these examples. The reason involves finally realising the differences between the 2 of us and asking 'Can I live with the differences?'. Can I live with who I naturally am and who he naturally is? Can I live with his energy at times, with him not wanting to discuss that kind of 'energy in motion' within himself (emotion within himself) because he just doesn't want to? And this may sound strange but if I was to interview him for the position of partner, would he get the job? 'Are you prepared to evolve through the challenges that this position (as partner) will present to you? Are you prepared to face the tough stuff? Are you someone who's able to fill the role as 'partner' or will you be leaving the hard stuff up to me? Are you prepared to develop an open mind, so as to adapt?' and so on. If our partner answers 'No' to most of these questions, are they the right person for the position or are we destined to manage a good part of the relationship alone, with that person only managing what suits them? What kind of person would you 'employ' as partner? Would it be someone who you will grow old with or someone who you can grow young with, as you rediscover the adventurer in you, the comedian, the analyst, philosopher, feeler, risk taker, lover and more? Perhaps the best person for the job is the person who brings us to life in ways we can feel. ❤️

[Guest_342]

Thank you, TonyWK. Those are really helpful comments.

[Guest_342]

Hello, therising. Thank you for these really useful comment. I found your concept of the 'partner interview' and 'growing young together' particularly interesting. I've never thought of it this way and find it helpful - I want to try applying this idea. I want to feel free and have company in being an adventurer, comedian/being silly, deeply analysing/philosophising, discussing feelings, and loving, etc. My partner is kind and committed to love but he doesn't seem to offer these other things in a big way.

[randomxx]

l know we become sorta threatend by more time rolling by as we get older in these things in particular but it's only been 10mths.

Some people take yrs to open up and some things are best left unsaid anyway unless feel otherwise and as for childhood , family , trauma, stuff, imo doesn't even help much getting into it anyway . Personally l reckon all that stuff's way way over rated and have known people upset for mths after it being squeezed out of them in some so called session that achieved nothing.l for one have zero interest or benefit in bothering with any of that now at this age myself, ancient history, just saying, that's my view and plenty of others l've talked to but l know not everyone's.

To me, life is in the here and now, more recent and futures, and we can point ourselves in whatever direction we like, or at least try and to me there's a whole other world of things, thoughts and feelings in getting to know someone.

Do you thing he may be a slow burn, need time?

As for other things yeah , it's all part of getting to know someone l guess and to whether or not we are compatible .

l was married 22 yrs and have had 2 other relationships so 3 all up myself to 1 before marriage and now 1 later so l do know the feeling and of late am wondering with myself to. Tony's above there always gives me a lift .

l do know though that l can and have had incredible things between us with the right person , so atm , l guess l am still open to it and l would prefer it to being alone butttt, we'll hae to see l guess.

Good luck anyway.

[therising]

I'm glad I was able to offer a perspective that could be of some help. I think Tony offers the ultimate key to a good relationship and that is a really good friendship, such as what he has with his wife. They had time and opportunity to develop this over the years before becoming more than friends. 'What would one of my good friends be prepared to do for me and what would I be prepared to do for them?' is a fair question. In other words, really good friends (intimate or not) work to bring out the best in each other and lead each other to develop in a number of ways, especially through the tough times. While a friend may not be all that much of an adventurer, they'll adventure with us because they want us to have that opportunity with someone. While they may not be all that much of a deep or philosophical thinker, they'll try hard to open their mind so that we have a friend to wonder and philosophise with. Works the other way too. We may not be a major socialite but if our friend is, we might have to push our self beyond our social anxieties so that they have a friend to go to social events with. We can develop with each other outside of our comfort zones as we both become more adventurous, more thoughtful and more social together.

Randomxx mentions a factor worth considering too. Some people can take a while to develop, for a number of reasons. They can take a while to open up, perhaps based on certain fears or trust issues. They can take a while to develop out of and beyond old well practiced habits, perhaps based on those habits having served them in some way for years. They can take a while to start stepping outside of their comfort zone, maybe based on a false sense of self. Personally, I had no idea I was an overseas traveler until I was 37 and traveled overseas. Up until then, I was convinced that just wasn't me. I had good friends who pushed me to meet with the overseas traveler in me.

[Guest_342]

Thank you, rx, for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

[Guest_342]

Hi therising. You are so right. I was actually just thinking of a dear friend the other day, and I noticed that I have everything you've described with that friend. The two of are different but we step outside our comfort zones or go beyond our natural personalities to acknowledge and nurture what is important to the other person.

All three of you have given me wonderful insights and things to think about - you, Tony and rx. Thank you, sincerely.