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Anxiety - discovery of husbands porn use.

654bno
Community Member
My Dr has prescribed Antidepressants for Anxiety. I have come home from a week away and found that my husband had been using porn. At first I thought it was ok as I hadn’t been at home. I wanted to talk about him being careful so that our kids did not see it (our son regularly uses my husbands IPad). I also thought that this may be something that we could explore together.

I went online for advice on how to talk to my husband about it and whether this could be a good thing for our marriage. Almost all information pointed to how addictive it is and how over time users need more to get off, they become unsatisfied with their partners and it can lead to looking for more outside of the relationship. That hit me because my husband has an addictive personality, we have had issues in the past with drug and alcohol use.

I spoke to my husband and he said he uses it to help him get to sleep and that he has done it for years. He says he is not addicted to it and would have sex with me every day of the week if that was an option. I am now in a position where I feel like I may have caused this. We have “date nights” 2 scheduled nights a week for sex. We had 4 children under 3, I had no desire at all so I suggested date nights to ensure that I was also looking after his needs. He also said that he hated asking for more because he can’t handle rejection. Our children are aged 10-13 now.

The reason that I found this in the first place is that I had noticed my husband facebook searching women that attend his gym and that he had started going to the gym twice a day. He seemed to have a genuine explanation for the facebook searches. He says that he started going to the gym twice a day because he is committed to getting fit this year for his sport (I know that is true as he has struggled for years with this).

I feel like he is being honest with me and he is a good man/husband/dad otherwise. We have been together for 18 years. I told him how all of this makes me feel. I did not ask him to promise that he won’t use porn and he did not promise it. We are currently ditching date night, he is setting the pace for our love life as a trial. I just still feel a compulsion to check his IPad and I know that this is not healthy for me. He uses the IPad to stream things to the tv in our bedroom and even seeing his iPad in our room seems to be a trigger for me.

Has anyone experienced similar?


1 Reply 1

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi 654bno,

welcome to beyond blue.

I cannot comment specifically to your situation. Except that on anxiety and wanting to check his iPad is something I am used to - I have to give you part of my story for this to make sense...

The thing that set me off was the contents of an email. I should also point out that in my work, I was sent the problems, and VERY rarely an email with thanks attached. I had to check my email periodically before bed to make sure there was nothing bad I had to deal with. Most time there was no issue. But if there was something, and it was late night,I then felt the compulsion to deal with it.

But (I know for me) it is hard to let go of that need to check. And for me, the few weeks of not looking at my email were very frustrating. The need to check was great! Today I don't check at night time.

Now assuming your husband know that you have anxiety issues, it is also an opportunity to have a discussion. And when I have discussions with my wife (prompted by my psychologist) will go something along the lines of "I get stuck in ..." or "I am trigger by..." rather than "You... " or "You should....".

Finally, there is the question of what happens if you did look and ... (a) find something or (b) do not find anything. You also mentioned exploring together - a third option? (if I interpret your post correctly.)

Whatever might have happened in the past was/is not your fault. I could make guesses why he might have looked at porn initially, but that would prove nothing. Another chat? I might sound weird, and I am not that good at it, but communication is important, and honesty.

I hope some of this helps,

Tim