Anxiety and the youngest child

[There]

Hello all,

it’s been some time and I’m back. Like everyone I’ve had a bit of a time at life. Over the last 7 years ive had a husband cheated on me with a woman 11 years his junior (these forums helped me greatly during this time). Mum went through breast cancer. My sister in law has MS. 

I mention all of the above as my parents have decided to sell up and move to somewhere closer to the rest of the fam and that is fantastic. Along with this they want to secession plan which tbh I’m glad they want to do it now rather than wait for my brother and I to have to sort it out whenever that dreadful time comes. It gets a bit messy as I only have one brother who has 2 kids and a wife. I have a partner but after my marriage ended (no kids)  like to keep my family finances separate as does he and we are both ok with this. 

I can’t shake this feeling of anxiety around what mum and dad want to  do. My brother often dubbed the golden child and who has the gift of the gab leaves me feeling like he will get everything his way and because I have a partner of only 5 years and no kids I’m not worth anything.

I absolutely hate feeling this way, anxious, helpless and worthless. I also hate that I’m feeling like this about succession planning…

any words of advice would be welcomed. 

T(here)

[Sophie_M]

Hi There, 

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing what has been going on for you. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been going through this, sometimes dealing with family transitions can leave us feeling uncertain and anxious. We think sharing here is a great step towards feeling better.  

If you want to talk through what you’re feeling at any time, the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online here. It’s ok to reach out when you’re feeling anxious or upset, they can talk you through some ways to find a bit of calm, and then help you to figure out some options for further support.  We’re sure we’ll hear from the lovely community soon, but in the meantime, here’s some strategies you might like to have a look at it. We understand you might have been through some of these in the past but we thought we would still include them if they are of interest: 

• Another thread where the community have shared some strategies for managing anxiety 
• Beyond Blue Article: When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 

Thanks again for sharing. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi There

It can definitely be challenging, to face taking on new roles in our parents' lives. When the roles have typically pointed to our parents being largely independent from us, when they come to depend on us in a number of new ways, it's not something we automatically know how to manage or even feel our way through. I feel for you deeply as you face a new role in your parents' lives as well as your own, especially after so many emotional and confronting challenges over the past 7 years.

While being a deeply feeling gal with aging parents, I have to say it's certainly a confronting time in my life, my parents' lives (who've been separated for about 25 years) and my siblings' lives. As we manage individually and collectively, we've come to manage best with really good guidance from each other and from external resources. I've found guidance is key when it comes to managing new and confronting challenges. While it's much easier to manage my 84yo mum's wishes with guidance from her, it's a little more challenging with my 89yo dad, as he has progressive dementia and isn't always able to think for himself. I'm wondering if you've discussed your parents' wishes with them. Do they wish for your brother to manage everything or do they wish for you both to co-manage or each to manage specific things? It can definitely be a tough conversation to have but sometimes a conversation that needs to be had ahead of time, so that everyone's on the same page and there's nothing left to wonder about or fight over. It can also be about drawing up legal documentation of exactly what your parents wish for your roles to be, specifically.

I have to say, I'm blessed to have 2 amazing siblings. While my brother and I manage a lot of my dad's affairs, which he can no longer manage himself, we share Enduring Power of Attorney and share trying to figure out the way ahead for our father. While my brother is also one who has the gift of the gab and is an extremely capable person in many ways, especially in business affairs, he's respectful of what's best for everyone and I think that's what makes a big difference. Respect and consideration go a long way. Maybe this is an issue you could raise with your parents, 'I fear he won't respect or consider what I feel is best for you both or what he and I jointly feel is best for you'. As I say, the way forward can involve some tough discussions. It wasn't easy for my brother and I to discuss 'What happens when Dad seriously starts to lose his mind (through dementia). Will we put down on the EPoA document that we sign jointly for decisions or either one of us can sign if need be?'. My brother does a bit of overseas travel, so either signature was the decision. What made filling out this document hard was the underlying fact of how to manage gradually losing our dad, bit by painful bit, to dementia. There were elements of grief to that document. My brother is also a deeply feeling person. This is another factor that can make a difference, how we feel the experiences we share. If my brother only felt for himself and what he wanted for our parents, it would be triggering. If he felt for no one and was more so purely analytical or business-like, that would also be triggering. The ability to feel deeply for each other goes a long way. ❤️