Anxiety and abandonment

[Emaloneagain]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is hanging in there. 💛

My question is this - is anxiety disorder at play if someone has a very hard time being a "rock"? I mean, if when their partners life is tough, they can't cope / support them / be there?

My dad was recently being tested for cancer, and I was stressed. My partner wasnt prioritising me as much as I hoped, and when he said something in reference to "having to comfort me" I lost it and asked him to leave.

He did and I felt awful. I had hoped he'd let me cry and rage a bit, but be there. (I'm always the strong one, he is v sensitive) but he bailed. I know he was hurting and feeling abandoned, but...

Anyhow, I called him, explained why I'd lost it, told him I understood he was hurt and displaced, but asked him to put his stress and hurt on the back burner and come back to be there for me while I was facing losing dad.

He said no, hung up on me and since then I've only had an email explaining why he was hurt and how keeping his distance is best.

I see how it's best for him, but not for me.

I just wonder, is this anxiety he needs to work through alone? I Know we can never reconcile, and I know contacting him increases his anxiety (he also struggles with paranoia) but there are practical loose ends to fix and I wonder how he is

Should I contact his parents, maybe?

thanks for reading / replying x

[JessF]

Hello Emaloneagain, how long have you been together?

From reading your post, I can see that you seem very focused on his wellbeing, and not so much on your own when you could be potentially losing your father. Take anxiety out of the equation for a moment: in a relationship, partners need to be there for each other if things are going to work. Sometimes there will be fights and arguments, and unintentional hurt will be caused.

I'm just a little unclear on how you could end up breaking up over the argument you have described, which is why i asked how long you had been together.

There are some other unanswered questions, too: do you actually want this relationship with him? Or do you just need someone to comfort you at this time? Towards the end of your post, you express some concern for him, but you don't seem particularly keen to get back together (you just mention loose ends that need tying up).

Others may have some input but I feel I need a bit more information to provide anything more useful.

[Emaloneagain]

Hello! Thanks for the reply. We were together about 12 months. We split for 4 months when we were overseas and he felt overwhelmed. I came home alone, 4 months later with contact from me to him only, we tried again. That's when he got meds and psych.

the argument was due I think to me feeling lots of pressure Work, him being unemployed, me having my own things triggered... And him being selfish.

I really did want us, yes... for weeks I hoped he'd come to me... I didn't chase him because last time he said contact scared him and made him worse. But j expected something from him... I don't know. I guess loose end tying isn't what I want, but all I can expect. The least i thought he'd be able to do. I guess I wondered if he would, if it were not for anxiety?

[JessF]

Hello Emaloneagain, I think it's not always helpful to attribute something to depression and anxiety when it is a communication or a relationship issue. He had an anxiety disorder at the time he entered into a relationship with you, so that fact has not changed. If the anxiety was the reason for his breaking up with you, then it logically follows that anxiety was also responsible for him getting together with you in the first place. Knowing someone has an anxiety disorder is only really relevant if you're trying to support them in moments where it is an immediate issue, like having a panic attack when you're out at the supermarket, or needing support in social situations etc. With relationships, as always, it comes down to how two people communicate with each other about their wants and needs. It sounds from your post that he has been quite clear with you about what he wants at this time.

[Emaloneagain]

Cheers!