Annoyed by affection
My partner and I have a 16 month old baby. I experienced the usual post natal blues and anxiety, combined with the 'touched out' feeling when our son was a newborn. He is now a toddler so we are past that stage.
But I still get so annoyed when my partner is affectionate towards me. It frustrates me that he is always trying to touch or hug me. It sets my teeth on edge when he interrupts whatever I'm doing to tell me how beautiful I am (mostly because I am lucky if I brushed my hair let alone hide the bags under my eyes).
I hate myself for being so angry with him when I know he is just trying to show me that he loves me. I dont know why this behaviour is so annoying to me! Has anyone else experienced this after parenthood and gotten through it?
Btw, I still love him and want to be with him and he is a very supportive partner and loving dad. And no I haven't told him how I feel. It would be like kicking a puppy. He would immediately be apologetic and feel terrible, even though he is doing nothing wrong.
I can't say the circumstances are similar however I've felt impatience, resentment and even anger at my partner asking how I was, trying to be affectionate, even offering me a cup of tea. This was when I was consumed by PTSD, depression and anxiety. It was as if she was interrupting my thought processes, which were mostly locked up in thinking circular thoughts or concentrating on just a few unhappy things.
Such a reaction to genuine care and kindness seems illogical to say the least.
I've wondered about it over the years and came to the conclusion it was partly that I did not have the mental resources left to cope with any sort of external reaction, and partly becuse it tended to highlight the difference between someone who was well and myself. At the time I guess I thought it also displayed a lack of understanding.
Fortunately as my condition improved theses feelings subsided. Just as well. To start off with my wife thought she was in some way responsible. My psych did straighten that out, however it was still very hard for her, no affection and inconsistency on top of that . Some days I'd react with anger, other days not, to the same action.
I guess you may have an extra layer, being a mother of a child is exhausting, and if your partner is full of energy that too could cause resentment.
Do you think you would benefit from seeing if you are still in some form of post-natal reaction? There may not be a time limit on such things. A physical checkup might not hurt either.
Hi Jess 😊
One of the things I struggle most with since becoming a Mum is being "touched out". Privacy goes out the window. I've given up on closing the door to the loo because its like a beacon to my kids to come harrass me.
Then just as I get the kids to bed and think I might get a moment alone in comes hubby. Your description of kicking a puppy made me laugh. It's true. I snap and grump and immediately feel like a jerk.
But that doesn't change that you need time to yourself to recharge. Have you considered asking for time alone? When I get really crabby at being touched it has helped me to just admit to hubby that although I want him and love him the timing is off and I need time alone first. Then when I have recharged a bit I'll seek him out. It has helped because he doesn't feel rejected and also I'm getting better at asking for what I need.
Would this be something you might find possible to try?
Hello again .
My children are probably older than you but I can relate so much to what you wrote. I used to feel so tactile out and the end of the end of day and I was/ am a touchy feely person.
I think the demands in a mother are very great and there is no privacy.
I like what Nat said about explains you just need some time alone.
I feel that maybe if you don’t explain how you are feeling your reactions maybe interpreted differently.
Jess, I am in a similar situation except from your husbands point of view.
My wife has become distant and no longer wants to share any affection at all in our relationship. She says she still loves me but her actions suggest otherwise.
All I can suggest is that you talk to him about the situation to help him understand. It's been 4 - 5 years now for me and I have reached the point where I am considering if it's worth continuing the relationship at all. Little to no affection for so long has left me feeling empty, lost , and desperately lonely. If as you say, you still love him, that's not a place you want him to end up.
I wish you luck and hope you can find a way through this for both of your sake.
Thanks for all the support and advice.
Turns out my partner noticed how frustrated I seemed and bought it up himself. So we did end up talking it out.
Luckily it seems like it was a short lived thing. Probably bought on by my son being sick & needing lots of mummy cuddles.
Ill just need to be aware of it and bring it up early when it happens.