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An important decision for the future...

Community Member

So, my boyfriend (20) and I (20) have been together for 8 months (first serious relationship for both of us) but I’m starting to worry...

My boyfriend sometimes mentions, albeit sporadically, that he wants to have kids in the future. This seems like a very important thing to him. Very early in the relationship this was quickly discussed, and he knows that I DO NOT want to have kids. I am very much against having my own kids, and I am very much set on this. I have heard from countless family members that I will change my mind when I’m older and that I should have kids in the future (I am Italian so makes sense I am put under this pressure haha). But I cannot stress any more that I do not want kids, not now and not when I’m older.

So you can see this may be a problem. I didn’t worry about my boyfriend and I being on different ends of the children spectrum early in the relationship as I didn’t know how long it was gonna last. But now we’re creeping up on a year together and I’ve become worried that I’m going to be wasting his time. I’m worried but I’m not really doing anything about it except worrying, but I don’t want to break up with him. We both love each other and spend a lot of time together.

I don’t want to waste his time being in a relationship that may lead into the future if we just end up older and not wanting the same stuff (pretty big stuff), and I certainly don’t want to waste my own time. But again, I just can’t seem to want to break up with him. God I hope I’m not being selfish. He does know I am very much against having children so I’m not sure what to do. I’m just so confused as to whether I should worry about this stuff now (in regards to wasting each other’s time) or I should just ride it out and see what happens because I’m still ‘young’ (although I still feel like that may waste time)?? I am just very confused you can probably tell this. I’m also pretty scared of being alone. In context I have severe social and generalised anxiety and depression and this may be contributing to not wanting to break up.

I don’t really know what to do, any feedback is very much appreciated!!

4 Replies 4

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello One11, and a warm welcome to you.

I understand what you are saying but can I say at the moment this is something that you 'worry about now' and it does seem like it's a huge hurdle, but no you're not wasting his time because you both love each other, that's a huge committment.

When a couple have a child they wonder whether they should have another one, the mum may say yes, while the dad says no, but you can't make a decision now because circumstances may change in the future.

Your friends may have children so you watch them grow up, something may spark inside you and decide to have your own.

I wouldn't be worrying now because that's going to affect your relationship, enjoy the love you share with him, you're both young and what happens in the future nobody knows about.


Community Member
If you love one another, have fun and good conversation and feel cared for and supported - it can't possibly be a waste of time! The biological window for having kids is many, many years for both of you so there's no rush to get the plan all locked in now. Tell him you'll revisit the idea in [x number] of years if he agrees not to put any pressure on you now. That gives you some breathing room and time to learn more about each other and what a future might look like.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi One11

Welcome to the forum. Just a quick thought about a couple of questions that passed through my mind as i read your post. You mention "This seems like a very important thing to him."

Could you ask him what it would mean for him not to have kids? Perhaps he hsn't considered how his life would be if he didn't and it may open up possibilities he hasn't considered.

Can you in almost the reverse fashion answer the question he may then ask "what would it mean for your life if you did have kids?"

Together you may find a way of discussing what is at the moment a concern for you in a different way that has each other consider the opposite point of view.

Hope this helps.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi one11,

I wanted to reply because your post resonated with me. I can definitely relate as I don’t want to have my own children either so I feel for you...very much so...I feel that I get where you’re coming from.

Personally, I have found the well meaning “you’ll change your mind later” line a little frustrating. That’s just me though...

The way I see it is if a person feels certain that s/he wants a child(ren), they don’t tend to be told that s/he will “change their mind.” Conversely, when someone expresses that they don’t want to have their own children, suddenly there’s a lot of “you’ll change your mind” comments. Double standards, much? Point is, I get where you’re coming from...

I personally quite like Andy’s suggestion: an exercise in empathy 🙂

Anyway, I don’t really have any advice but I just wanted to say that I understand where you’re coming from and realise it’s tough...

Kind and caring thoughts,