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Am I sub consciously sabotaging my marriage?

Community Member

This is my first post and I’ve just got on here to try get some opinions of people with more experience and maybe an outsiders view of the situation. So here it goes.

Ive been married just over a year, my wife and I have been together almost 6 years and we have a 14 month old son.

My wife regularly gets upset/angry with me because of what she sees and my poor attitude. I snap at here, or don’t speak nicely to her and I don’t even notice I’m doing it. It all boils to a point then explodes in a massive argument and I shut down, I can’t respond like I lose all words in my head. I can sit and think the words I want to say but I can’t make anything more than generic babble come out of my mouth. I just freeze up.

I’m scared to bring up how I feel as I’ve never been able to express my feelings and just generally don’t really talk much. The only time I do is when she brings up an issue and I “deflect” and bring up my issues only in response to her. I never bring up if I have a problem otherwise. I’d rather avoid the conflict and just get over my issues. But I think that just builds up and makes things worse.

She’s completely fed up and I need to change or be better to save our marriage. In the past I’ve always blamed it on my inability to communicate, or money worries or just general worries. I seem to always have an excuse according to her.

I recently saw my GP to discuss how I’ve been feeling , stressed, sad, anxious, completely in-motivated and very short tempered. The GP seemed to think it was Annadonia an inability to feel joy but I think it could be more. Or maybe I’m just finding another excuse. i just don’t know what I’m feeling or how to express it.

when we argue I always start angry and ready for a yelling match but once I stumble through a few sentences I always end up thinking it isn’t worth it and my wife is right and I am the cause of all the problems. Is she right or am I just submitting to try and end the argument?

I would never be able to say any of this verbally, but in written form I can detail every single thing. I feel like I just shut down when in an argument and figuratively roll up and cower until the argument fizzles out. We’re at breaking point and after telling her I’m trying to change and I want to fix it so may times those words mean nothing to her now and she always says that I don’t care and we’re just co existing more like house mates than an actual couple.

Are we doomed? What can I do to get myself out of my own rut?

3 Replies 3

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Dicko, and it's good that you have been able to write down how you are feeling, because when we try to remember or recall exactly what we want to say, it's easy to get lost as the conversation continues and you may begin to act defensively.

You can't believe that it's always your fault and if you are being told this then mentally you aren't going to improve and may need a break from eachother.

Are the two of you prepared to have marriage counselling because this situation needs to be addressed.

I'd like to say more but will wait t see how this thread develops.

Please get back to us.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Dicko32

You mention I recently saw my GP to discuss how I’ve been feeling , stressed, sad, anxious, completely in-motivated and very short tempered. Communicating to your wife that you feel like you're in a low could help raise her consciousness in regard to the need for more cautious and thoughtful communication. Quite recently, I had a discussion with a family member only to discover they had been feeling many of these emotions you express. We talked through things, with these feelings in mind, to reach the conclusion that old habits were preventing them from rising to new challenges.

May sound a little strange but I've managed to eliminate the word stress from my life (took some effort). I will always try to use the word 'challenge' instead. My mantra has become 'What challenge am I being asked to rise to?' I find this gives situations far more clarity. By the way, whilst stress can be draining, I find challenge to be invigorating to various degrees (especially when the challenge is mastered). This doesn't mean I never experience frustration or agitation. I simply believe agitation is designed to shake us up into higher consciousness.

When you consider the challenges you currently face, could they possibly involve

  • Rising to meet the challenges that come with a baby being a factor in your life?
  • Rising to meet the challenges of moving forward in the relationship with your wife (new forms of romance, actively finding time together and so on)?
  • Rising to meet the challenges of managing money through a budget of sorts?
  • Rising to meet the challenges that come with active relaxation? Do you know how to actively relax after work? Sitting back, watching a casual documentary can be both relaxing and stimulating at the same time. Or if you're on your feet all day, consider purchasing one of those roller ball foot massagers
  • Rising to meet the challenges when it comes to skillful communication?

There is nothing wrong with admitting to someone 'I don't know how to communicate effectively'. When you think about it, most of us weren't taught this skill, growing up. Taking it one step further, we may have often heard the phrase 'I don't care what you have to say, you'll do as you're told'. Excusing our self from communication at a deeper level because we don't know how to achieve this makes sense. Effective communication is definitely a skill (which also involves listening intently).

Raising our self through accepting challenges is also a skill, to be mastered 🙂

Community Member

Hi Dicko32,

Your post has shaken me to the core. My X-wife got angry all the time and would start an argument but never finish it, she just ran out of words and would walk away or say "I can't do this!". One of my children is a carbon copy of the mum and can't express emotion properly or what thoughts/feelings are going on. For me it has been beyond frustrating, as I have said in many posts here. I became frustrated and angry because nothing in 25 years was ever resolved, this made it even worse for her anxiety over not talking. In the end she found it easier to communicate with other guys that she didn't have a commitment with.

You don't want your child growing up with this conflict. You have done more than my X ever did writing a post here and seeing a doctor. (My x saw a doctor but simply said "my husband causes me grief and makes me incredibly sad", the sadness was there when I met her, it never left.)

Thank you for sharing, I can take something from your reflections.