Am I over thinking things?

[Over_thinker]

I have suffered depression and anxiety for most of my life. Lately my anxiety is getting out of control and I can feel my depression creeping back.

My husband has been texting and receiving texts from a coworker constantly. Most days they they text, it could be about work related stuff or everyday small chat (football, what’s for dinner, just checking in to see how one is going) texting can be late at night when he is at home and sometimes up 3 times during the day morning, midday and nighttime with 10-15 msg being exchanged each time

My husband and I have been together for nearly 25yr, married for 15 of those. Have 3 gorgeous children. I have spoken to him about it and he reassured me they are nothing but friends. She is 20 yrs younger then me and gorgeous looking. And I feel like I’m stuck in a mummy body.

I am going crazy thinking about it all the time. Questioning everything he does.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there, Thank you for being part of the beyondblue community forums and looking to the community for some support about this. It sounds like you could really do with a space to discuss your anxiety so we hope that you will see some replies from the Beyond Blue Community soon. Relationships can be a huge source of worry.

If you feel up to it, It might be helpful to be able to talk things through with a phone counsellor. we’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service if you think this could benefit you.  We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

 

[Guest909]

I don't think you are "going crazy". You are asking a legitimate question - is something going on?

In my experience, married men do not text female co-workers on a regular basis; even if they are friends. You said, "She is 20 yrs younger". Does that mean he is texting her exclusively or is he texting a number different of friends?

I think that you and your husband need to sit down and have a long talk. If nothing is going on, he should be more than willing to put your mind at ease.

Don't make any accusations; just ask if something is going on! The messages could be perfectly innocent.

[Over_thinker]

Thanks Sophie. I think that’s a good idea that I speak to someone.

[Over_thinker]

Thanks for your reply Mr Paul.

We have sat down to talk about it all, he offered to text her and let her know that they need to stop talking unless it was work related as it was making me uncomfortable. I said not to and asked if he could just not respond to her if she text regarding non work related stuff. He constantly says there is nothing going on. But how do I really know for sure?

[Guest909]

If you can, talk to a counsellor here at Beyond Blue. They might have some practical suggestions to help you through a difficult time.

Try not to jump to negative conclusions; we all do it. That sort of mindset will always end badly. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but keep a close eye on his actions.

It could be that he is simply flattered by the attention he is getting from younger coworker - some sort of midlife crises. I'm not trying to make excuses, but it happens; men can be very gullible.

If he has agreed not to return her calls, that is a step in the right direction. Try and build on that.

Stay in touch if you need to talk!

[Betternow]

You’re definitely NOT overthinking this Over thinker. I find your reaction to these messages very normal.

As a man I know my wife would hit the roof if I texted a female colleague late at night. Three times daily with 10 - 15 messages exchanged in each session is not acceptable .

When I was working I always had several women in my team that reported to me. Many were young single women. I deliberately placed a barrier so as not to receive messages (men & women) outside work hours, unless it was an emergency. For two reasons, I knew it made my wife uncomfortable and secondly my home time energy needed to be directed towards my family.

I doubt your husband is having an affair but if these special messages keep going it can cloud judgement and create the environment where things get out of hand. Your husband is probably flattered that he has the attention of a younger woman and sees it as innocent chatter, but it’s not healthy. He has offered to text her to say no more messages.

He should tell the young woman that it is inappropriate for her to send these messages and she and he should stop immediately. He needs to do this face to face in my opinion.

In the meantime, are you actively involved in treatment for your anxiety?

[Guest_3256]

Hi Over Tinker.

Love the name...…

I am really sorry to hear of the stressful and overwhelming situation you're experiencing and imagine how difficult you must be feeling right now. I would agree that Mr Paul has some food for thought. If your Husband's behaviour continues, you may need to reinforce your boundaries and make it clear to him that he needs to acknowledge and respect you. You are not going crazy and as his Wife, you have ever right for piece of mind and to be treated in a respectful and loving manner.

Let us know how things are tracking.

[Guest_3256]

Oh dear!

My apologies - Over thinker*