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Am I being selfish

Talon
Community Member

Hi there,

I’ve been separated for over two years. Going through the motions with property settlement and child care arrangements still!!! I live with my ex and two children, a daughter aged 7 years and son aged 4 years. I have 2 adult sons to a previous marriage. Yes I don’t think I do marriage very well?!? My ex has a new boyfriend who also lives with us, or at least stays with us more than he does at his place. That’s fine and I actually get along great with him. I’ve rambled a bit here and will get to the point of this post.

I have always been a fan of the ocean, swimming in it, body surfing/boarding, snorkelling. And I think the lifestyle of living at the beach would be great. I’d go so far as to say it has been my dream to live this lifestyle since childhood. But you don’t choose where your parents decide to live. I really want to move to the beach. Preferably near nsw/qld border where my dad lives. It’s a long way from my children who I love dearly. I spend most of my time with them. My 4 year old son is like my shadow and that’s fine by me, he’s a little legend. I just wanted to put it out there for opinions of whether it would be selfish, prudent or otherwise to make that move? My ex wouldn’t be happy at al with this and more importantly, well, only important thing to me, is how this may affect my children. I’m 50 now and don’t want to wait forever to make this move, if I get to. Any thoughts, opinions??

3 Replies 3

Aaronsis
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Talon

Welcome and I can hear how torn you are with this decision.

What I can do is share what my life situation was and how it impacted me...however...ultimately this choice is yours.

Ok...so my father was absent for alot of my life, he got to travel to Antarctica and this meant that he was away for 12 to 18 months at a time. He did his first trip when I was 2 years old. I also have a younger brother. We got used to this and accepted it as part of what our family looked like, we didn't know any different.

However, now that I am a grown adult with teens of my own, I realize how much I suffered from his choices and his absence in my life. I know he loves me, he loves me dearly but he missed so many milestones in my life. I also missed not having him there, his support and his love. I had feelings of not being good enough that is why he went away so much, of if we were a better family he would not have to go. I also know this are not truths and just my thoughts. He did love us, and he needed to have a life too, his work was very important to him.

I am wondering if you can strike a compromise. That you can move to a beach location, enjoy the things in life that you want, but in range of your children, so that they can see you as they need and you can still play that vital part in their lives. A beach life with your children included would be a wonderful experience for them where you can teach them all the things you love about the ocean and not only get to enjoy it but enjoy it with them. Maybe when they are a little older you can then make that final move to be with your father near NSW/Qld.

I understand your ex would not be so happy for you to move away. It leaves her with alot of the parenting to do on her own. However this is your choice.

As I mentioned Talon, this was just my experience and I am in no way trying to shape your decision. Just bring light to the other side of this for you.

Hope to chat some more to you Talon.

Cheers

Sarah

romantic_thi3f
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Talon,

Thanks for your post and your question- it sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking before coming here!

I don't think this is selfish at all; as someone who has lived near the beach I miss it from moving to the city. But I do also see how there are other things at play and more barriers/challenges.

Unfortunately there's no middle ground either -you either move or you don't. I can't make this decision for you of course, but I wonder if it's worth thinking of a pros/cons list? I know this has always helped me when making any sort of big decision. If you decide to go ahead with the list, you could think about what that decision would mean - so your ex wouldn't be happy - what would that look like/mean, and how could that response change in 5 years? Likewise with your kids- what's the possible scenario?

I've given you so many different questions here so hopefully it gives you something to think about. I hope that whatever you decide, it feels right for you.

rt

Guest909
Community Member

Hi Talon

You might be putting the cart before the horse here.

Without property settlement and a parenting plan, you can't make any informed decisions about your future. You won't know your financial situation, and you won't know your parenting commitments. Your choice of address will depend on finances and access to your children.

I suppose you will have to figure out what is most important to you!

Cheers