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Am I being selfish?

Community Member

Am not sure how to start. But a bit of background first might help. Husband and I (2nd time around for both) have been together almost 10 years. Married almost 4 and lived together for 4 years before that. We have 4 offspring between us all of whom have lived with us off and on during the time we have been together.

A bit over a year ago when we finally got the place to ourselves we agreed that the children were not coming back again (all are well into adulthood and have moved out and come home at various stages since becoming adults).

Recently the eldest requested to come back with his girlfriend for a couple of weeks until they picked up the keys to a rental property. It was short term and we said ok. At the time I stipulated that it was definitely short term and that they were not staying indefinitely. Husband confirmed and agreed with this.

A few days ago husband says - the kids dont want to rent, they want to buy and I think we should let them stay whilst they find a place. I immediately said no. Whilst they have been with us for a few weeks they have not contributed financially and I was fine with that as it's short term. Husband indicated that we should allow them to stay and help them to save as much as they can whilst they try to find a place to buy.

Am i being selfish? I don't want them in my house. Since being married husband and I have had one or more of the adult childten living with us more than we have had alone time. We need our time. We need our own space and whilst I agree that you help your kids out where you can they are adults now and surely it's time they stood on their own two feet.

Husband told me at the time of the argument that if it came to a choice between his son and me then he would choose his son. And if I didnt like that I could leave. I've since being staying with a girlfriend and trying to work things out in my marriage.

Husband has since said he regrets those words. But they were said and they hurt. A lot.

I am now not sure where I stand or where my marraiage will go from here. I'm interested in the thoughts of others.

10 Replies 10

Hi Amiselfish. It sounds as though hubby is starting to realize son and gf need to stand on their own two feet. Quite often the theory of helping the young to 'get ahead' is great, the reality is usually totally different as young people need to get to know each other. This can take years as you are probably aware. Living with parents while adjusting to each other often means more compromises as young people like other young people around and parents like their friends so it usually works out better when the young live away from the parents. Even if your stepson and his gf have been together for a couple of years, they are still getting used to each other and will no doubt clash. They need to be on their own so they can sort out who does what and what they each expect from each other. On this issue, stand firm. Lynda