Am I a bad person for considering leaving?

Dappled_Deer · ‎07-10-2020

My partner of 5+ years has pretty severe depession. He goes through waves where he might be ok (or pretending to be ok) for months then all of a sudden will be at the bottom of the well. A few years ago was the worst and I honestly would not have been surprised if he passed away. Thankfully he hasn't been that low in a long time. We are currently in a wave right now, and it was ok, till I found he had lied to me about something he promised he wouldnt do about 6 months ago and confronted him about it.

Context, i'm the main provider. When he was at his lowest, he didnt work for about 2 years (a few casual jobs here and there), and he has a problem with impulse spending, so we have seperate finances. I've just found out he took out yet another payday loan several months ago for no reason. He just wanted money to spend. Luckily he is currently working, but if he wasn't this is something else I would need to pay for (I have bailed him out about 20 grand at this point).

He constantly accuses me of thinking of nothing but money. And I do see why he thinks that. But its hard to have a relationship were you are constantly giving and never recieving. Im constantly giving him suppourt for his depression (he wont see anyone or take medication and his family are the "get over it" sort), im giving him financial stability, i do all the housework and cooking and groceries. I know he isnt capable of making truly rational decisions when he is depressed and I know this isnt really his fault. I love him so much, but i'm really struggling with this newest admission. I thought we were finally on the same page but its "my fault" because I wouldnt give him money. I have a few thousand as im tyring to save for a house deposit for us (and i fully expect to be the sole payer).

I feel like im nothing more than a wallet. And i know i have enabled it when i was younger and wasnt aware of his diagnosis (he didnt tell me and wouldnt admit he had one). I also feel alone. All anyone tells me (friends, family even a counsellor) is that I should leave. But im so worried about what will happen to him. I know his family wont provide the suppourt he needs and he only really has 2 friends (both of whom have their own problems but are lovely people). I feel trapped by my own feelings because I do love him so much, but im realistic enough to know that life is more complicated than "love conquers all" as much as i might wish that were true.

Sweesoft · ‎07-10-2020

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. You are such a strong and loving person. Don't ever feel guilty for thinking about leaving. It's like being sorry for finally loving yourself more. I don't think there's something wrong with putting yourself first this time. Loving and living with a person with depression isn't easy, but you did so well. However, you also have to consider your own wellbeing. It might also hit you in the long run if you continue to feel that way for a long time. Just talk things through and explain why you've come up with your decision. I'm sure if he loves you enough, he would understand. Don't ever feel bad about wanting to be happy. You know you deserve it. Stay strong!

tranzcrybe · ‎07-10-2020

Hi Dappled Deer,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for seeking support and advice.
Your partner is very fortunate to have someone so financially responsible as you - I see why you are feeling torn.

I hear your love for each other is strong, yet strained by differences in 'funds management'.
However, I may have a simple solution (and one preferable to walking out!)...

You could look into setting up joint accounts (yes, I realise that initially sounds absurd from your perspective) but, within that, include a condition that both parties must authorise any withdrawals/transfers/payments (dual signatories). This should facilitate some rational control over reckless spending (in the interests of the relationship, you understand).

Naturally, your partner may not appreciate this at first, but if you have a chat alluding to your money and his money becoming effectively our money, then he may find your proposal more appealing... just a feeling I have about that. It will take some planning and you will need strength and compromise, but it could work in your situation.

I hope this gives you some alternative for working through this together.

Regards,

t.

Dappled_Deer · ‎23-10-2020

Thank you that is an excellent idea. I will bring it up when he is in a good space mentally. I understand what you mean and I already know of a few banks to look at. He has been very up and down this month and we have had a lot going on family wise.

I do hope in the long term it is able to work out. Thank you for the kind words, it really means a lot (from you and Sweesoft).