Alone and not sure what to do now after 30+ years

[one_way_street]

My husband and I have been married what would be 30 years in a couple of weeks and he has said to me that he loves me but is not in love with me, "it has nothing to do with me or anything I have done" and moved out. We have always run business' over our time together and are in a business together now with a substantial debt. His decision blindsided me and I was inconsolable. Working 7 days a week there was not time for to make friends of my own, he played golf so had a group of blokes he was friends with so we would get together with their partners. As the kids grew up I was the one that did everything with them and it was easy then to catch up with parents of their friends but we have moved away from all that now. I made a decision to offer to sell our beautiful home to reduce a bit of debt off the business - he offered for me to stay in this 4bdm 2 bthm 3 living area home with pool and spa but omg I would die living in the place all on my own...it sold straight away so unprepared for that we had 2 dogs one quite elderly and was blind so he had to be put to sleep the best thing we could have done for him and the other we gave to some loving people this was quite upsetting but I was going into a rental unit so no choice. I also made a decision to try working the business together to protect the staff with their jobs as well as our kids work there part time while at uni and at least I would have an income and a reason to get up in the morning. It would disadvantage both of us financially to pust it as well. I have since discovered that he cheated on me 2 years ago but just a one off thing apparently and that he is seeing other people now even though he wont admit to it. I am really struggling trying to come to grips with what has happened and where do I go from here. My kids say I am better off without him he treated me with disrespect and I deserve better but regardless I still have feelings for him. I do not know that I could ever trust anyone again after this. I am 54 years old and I have no idea how to make friends now, I do not feel confident at all. Life hasnt been the easiest I went through stage 3 breast cancer at 42 and lost my two best friends either side of my diagnosis to cancer, my health has not been the best and the effects from treatment I have to live with and I fought to stay here because of my family now I am alone anyway. I have avoided answering the phone as I struggle to talk about it I wish I knew what to do

[PamelaR]

Hi One way street and welcome to Beyond Blue

My heart goes out to you One way street. It is understandable why you are feeling the way you are. You have had so many life changes in a very short period of time. The loss of a husband, family home, business - I think you'll find you are going through a grieving process. There is a section under our People Like Me forum - Grief and Loss. Feel free to join any of the discussions that you think suit your circumstances.

Grief has a number of phases you go through - though these aren't in any order and you can't put a time limit on them. Try to be very kind to yourself. It's finding new things in your life. What are some of your interests? Do you like walking or cycling? You could join a local club. When you are up to it, there are also dating sites. I've never used one myself, though I have friends who have. There are some things you'll need to be cautious about of course.

Have you ever thought about studying or doing a craft or art?

Think of your life as something you want to 'renew'. Make a plan, set some goals (a bit like work, or moving into a new place). Remembering plans can always change too.

Maybe you could do with talking to some one, like a health professional (councillor or psychologist)? They can be a good source to get a plan worked out, as well as working through some of the grief you are experiencing.

You're not alone one way street. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Sean_mc]

Ha one way street,

im feeling your pain, I really do I to had the emotional ebomb I love you but am not in love with you, it’s a typical mid life crisis’s script, after 28yrs of what I thought was a perfect marriage my wife left me ! Got home from work & she had left me, will give you some advise your probably not sleeping or eating & your absolutely devastated it’s a crazy time but it has nothing to do with you,this crisis would have happened with or without you, it’s something in your husbands past that happens long before you met & it’s out of your control & only he can resolve, but as long as there is love there is hope,I can only let you know that what ever happens you will be ok, I’ve been down the dark road it’s a roller coasters of a ride that will test your resolve & commitment, I chose to stand for my marriage with the hope that in Time my wife would resolve her issues & would return home but I know this will take time, Time it’s a factor that I have to accept,I used to hate the word but as time goes bye I’m learning that it’s all we have, we have to learn that the only control we have is is over ourselves, we are the only ones we can control, we have to let go of our spouses & completely detach from them, easier said than done, but at this time we are not even in there thoughts they have turned there hearts & thought away from us, The more we beg and cry just gives them justification for there actions,you have to put all your focus on you now Your the one that matters look after you, you will be ok given time,

wishing you all the best for the new year,

(((((hugs))))

[one_way_street]

Thank you PamelaR for your kind words and advice. This has been my first time in putting things in writing as talking about everything is still very hard. Our business is 7 days a week so spare time is minimal but I do like walking and will start to try and feel comfortable getting started. As for dating I am not even considering it as it scares me and I know I will have some trust issues moving forward but I need to find somewhere or something I can start to make friends.

[one_way_street]

Hello Sean mc, I am sorry to hear of your circumstance. I hope you are doing ok and things are working for you. I know what you are saying and it is extremely hard to process that I have no control and that I should'nt blame myself but it is hard not to. I have spent so much time trying to get my kids to not take sides and continue a relationship with their father that it has all caught up with me emotionally. I too wish in my heart that my husband wakes up one day and decides he changes his mind but then I wonder if I can just accept him back or will it be for good. Thank you for taking the time to communicate with me I appreciate it.

[towalkon]

Hello one way street,

Ohhh my heart goes out to you. Thank you for having the courage to place your story here. I came across it when I was trying to find the new posts page where to write mine because I feel the need to reach out for help as well. Reading about your story has helped me realise I am not alone with this.

What you are going through is huge. Try not to do it on your own. Hopefully, sharing your story will lighten your burden while it is all playing out.

I have found walking every day helpful. My mind is a scrambled mess from my break up. Self help books and podcasts have been helpful as well. I have had a couple of sessions with one psychologist who I have not connected with very well which was disappointing after having three sessions. Not being able to connect with her might be an age thing. I am 60 and have raised four children and been knocked around a bit by life so I need to speak to someone who can challenge my thinking a bit. I did not find her input helpful but it was still good to talk to someone about it all. So I have found another one that I have to drive two hours to on the 10th January. The advice from this site and others does say that you might need to speak to a couple of psychologists till you find the right one so I am not being discouraged by that.

Acceptance is a big thing for me. Acceptance that it is finished and the harsh reality of that. I still ruminate over ways I can get him to see how wrong he is and how good I am for him and how happy we were. He is with someone else and has moved on very quickly and happily. I still trouble myself with thoughts of him realising he was wrong and he will eventually see that. Like sean mc said, I am not in his thoughts, he has moved on with someone else. That is so difficult to come to terms with but it is the reality and it hurts, really hurts.

Focus on you now and take care of yourself. Thinking of you and again thank you for sharing your story.

[one_way_street]

Thank you towalkon for reading my post and taking the time to add comment. This is a start for me to put my story out there, maybe writing about it may help me to have the courage to take the next step and talk to someone. I am struggling with the acceptance because he is avoiding just saying it is over or he has moved on as I really need this to start down that path of acceptance. I am very emotional and at this time of year waking up on christmas and new year and our wedding anniversary coming up has bought up a huge amount of emotion. But I will keep taking one day at a time and try to keep moving forward. I do not want to dwell on everyones misfortune but it is comforting to know but sad as well that others are going through similar things that I am not alone. Take care and I hope you too focus on yourself and get the help you are looking for. Goodluck for the 10th Jan hope the travel will be well worth it.

[towalkon]

Hello one way street,

I found my way around the site and posted my story yesterday.My story sounds insignificant compared to yours being such a long standing relationship and the other challenges life has thrown at you with ill health and loss. You are an amazing woman to have raised your children, struggled through a terribly scary illness and maintained a business. Give yourself due credit.

Having gone through my marriage ending years ago after my husband had taken up with someone 10 years younger than me, I did not think that anything would blindside me again. But, it has. There were our four children involved in that. I did not enter into anything else after that and focused on my children and full time work....until this relationship so maybe that is why I feel so wracked by it all.

The first thing I learned to take on board from counselling was that all my thinking and reactions and feelings and all over the place emotions was very normal in a situation where things feel so out of control.

Thank you for your best wishes for the 10th.

I'm going to go to Sydney too on the 16th to catch up with one of my sons before I head back to work.

I also now find that I don't have friends around here that I can catch up with. I used to have a network through the school and kids but life has taken on new turns since then and for the past few years it felt like enough to have this relationship. So I have to expand that now as well.

Having been a single mum for many many years I never thought I would be saying that I have to take each day at a time and sometimes each hour. Back then, it was full steam ahead with so much to fill the day and to get on with for the kids sake, obliterating any pain. My thoughts are with you as your anniversary approaches. For me now from my marriage anyway, the wedding anniversary comes and goes and when I was going through the throes of a marriage breakdown I never thought that would happen. I do have to say that wedding photos and earlier memories are all locked away and have not been looked at in years because I found them too painful to look at at the time.

New Years Eve was very quiet for me too. The next day I took myself out for a long walk and even though I was on my own, I appreciated the day, and was thankful I had no hangover.

I had to delete so much more from this because I unknowingly went over the word count.

Take care of yourself. Please feel free to write again.