After toddler and relationship advice

[maggie1]

Hi, im after some advice on toddler tantrums and a relationship on the rocks.
My beautiful nearly 3 year ond girl has some seriously big feels! She is amazing, sweet, clever, funny and the best gift in my life. But she has huge tantrums(most days) when things dont go her way, like not wanting to leave the park, wanting to walk instead of being in the pram, nappy changes, getting out of the bath, getting changes... just to name a few. She wil hit scream, cry, roll around, tell me to go away, even just lie down on the floor and not move. Im pretty gentle and try to talk to her, or if we are at home i put her in time out in her room, or i ignore her, sometimes they go for 5 min but tonight was about an hour. Its caused huge issues in my relationship with her dad as i dont agree with the way he deals with the tantrums (yelling at her, closing her in her room, telling her she naughty....) then i get the blame and told im stupid and im the reason shes this way.

I should add shes also is a terrible sleeper, i feel like me and my partner haven't slept since she was born, again he tells me its my fault. Am i wrong to think this is abusive? 

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Any advice would be helpful, thankyouxx

[Sophie_M]

Hi maggie1!

Thank you for such an honest post! Your love for little one is really obvious 🙂 but we can definitely hear your frustration as well. It is so easy to forget sometimes that 3 year olds, really don't have much emotional regulation abilities; but thats completely understandable when mum is left so exhausted as well! just as a quick side note, have you checked in with your doctor about how much she is struggling to sleep? Perhaps she is overtired all the time too?

Regardless, we are saddened to hear that your partner is laying so much at your feet, and whilst we can imagine he might also be overwhelmed and fatigued, it must be very hurtful and isolating for you to feel 'blamed' for the situation. Conversations around aligning parenting styles must be feeling like a real challenge right now.

We know that many of your peers here will be keen to reach out to you soon, but we want you to know you can reach out to us for a variety of supports in this. Please do not hesitate to call us on 1300 22 4636, or click here to start a webchat.

Please hang in there and take care,

Regards,

Sophie M.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I can only convey my own experiences with my daughter now 33 and 30yo.

As I had anxiety in that era, we visited our Dr over tantrums. He said a few things "I've never known a child to die by crying". "Don't override your partners decisions as the child will know it" and finally "draw the line and don't give it".

The last one is interesting because I had no patience but my ex did. One day my daughter then 2yo went to my drawer and opened it. Her mother said "no" and closed it. This went on for 20 minutes. My daughter then left the scene and never opened that drawer again. A battle of wills.

As for the differences in issuing discipline, that is a serious divide. A counsellor is the best direction to take

TonyWK 

[Juliet_84]

Hi Maggie,

Oh boy, is there nothing worse than the dreaded toddler tantrums 😬?! I don’t have kids but I have nieces and nephews and we had an epic tantrum thrower in amongst there. Unfortunately pressure such as this invariably puts strain on relationships and cause cracks to start showing in all but the most solid of relationships! It sounds to me that you have different parenting styles (very common) and that presents a problem. This exact same issue presented itself when my partner and I got a puppy and I believed in positive reinforcement (treats, praise etc) and he was a fan of punishment and them needing to “understand what they’ve done wrong and shown who the alpha leader is”. How did we resolve it, got a dog trainer out who trained us in positive reinforcement and we got results and he slowly came around, although he did still have a tendency to dismiss the trainer. Like Tony, I would suggest going to a children’s counsellor for ways to deal with the tantrums but in essence it will also be a learning experience for your partner about the wealth of evidence against negative reinforcement and punishment and the damage that can do over time. I wish you all the best