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After 10 years of being single I'm still scared to try and love again.

Community Member
Hi all.

This months marks the 10th anniversary of my ex and I breaking up. It's the only relationship i've had. I'm 34 and am utterly petrified to let anybody in. My depression killed my ex and I. Her light that I unfairly relied on extinguished and we collapsed under the weight of the darkness that i brought into the relationship. She knew going in that I had my issue's and to this day i adore her for sticking to it as long as she did. Boy, did it get horrible. By the end I had become very catatonic, theres even a good 9 month stretch I no memory. Just darkness.

I don't want to put anyone through that again so i've convinced myself i'm not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not anything enough to warrant anyone to love me again. That's privately... Publicly everyone around me assumes my standards are too high. Coz thats what i do. I deflect my true fears to hide from their pity.

Even when I have, rarely become interested with someone i flat out refuse to do anything about it. To the length where I've had 4, 2.5, and 2 year droughts just for sex.

I just don't want to put anyone through that kind of trauma and misery again. I always said my depression is my dark mistress. Maybe she's actually my life partner. I dunno, all I know is I don't want to be alone but i'm frightened to truely open up.

2 Replies 2

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Phoenix, thank you for posting your comment and I would like to welcome you to the site, and I have to say that my circumstances were no different than yours, the only difference is I'm 62 this year.
My wife (ex) was my first real love in my life, she melted my heart in every way possible, but as time progressed my depression and my drinking were the reasons she divorced me after 25 years because she said that she could not help me anymore and was annoyed that I used alcohol to try and make myself feel better, well it didn't really all it did was wipe out every day and in fact was no help to me.
Now I have no intention of wanting to live with anyone else, although if someone came along and we started having a relationship that would be it, because we wouldn't live together and I don't think that I would want to see her everyday, because once that happens then the suggestion of moving in together would be on, and that's not what I want, but anyway my chances are very slim.
By having high standards could mean that you don't want anyone, or perhaps you are too scared to even venture into this situation, because if sex is the reason you want someone then the relationship probably won't work out, as the female wants to feel the love you provide and companionship you want to share and wouldn't stay if this doesn't happen, because sex won't keep a relationship together in the long run, maybe at first, but not forever.
I do feel as though your problem goes deeper than this, because your self esteem and confidence are both low and both of these are caused by depression which you have mentioned yourself.
The question is that when we are married and you get depression, is it because of your relationship, your wife or circumstances closely related to these.
For me I said that I don't blame my ex for our divorce or why I was depressed but in hindsight I'm sure that she was a big part why I had depression, she was never happy in any job, only stayed for a short time and had said that I was part of the reason, why I never knew, but she always blamed me for everything that went wrong, plus I caught her ringing from a public phone booth 3 times and when I checked who she said she was ringing they were all lies.
I would really like to continue this but I'm almost out of words. Geoff.

Community Member
Thanks for the reply Geoff.

Relationships are hard at the best of times, let alone adding in any kind of mental health issue.

Sorry to hear about your marriage. Although it sounds as though you hold little to no animosity which is great. Casting blame only leads to bitterness. That's a poison we can all live without.

Fingers crossed we both find someone how thrives within our particular brand of chaos haha