Advice on Husband and his drinking

[BlueFish]

Good afternoon, 

I need to vent and get peoples thoughts:

My husband had some stresses in his life recently, lost both his parents 9 months apart (they were in their 60s).

Before this he did drink, started years ago as only a couple of days but slowly became everyday. After losing his parents he started to drink even more, he started to hide his drinking. Stopping on his way home hiding bottles and topping up his soft drink etc. 

Eventually he became angry when ever he drank. Not physically violent just verbal. He would start fights with our children (18+ in ages) and me. I had to return home from a work function one night after having them call me because he was yelling so much and they were scared. When I returned  they had left as i had told them and he was acting as if nothing happened. Calm and did not know why they left. The next day he could only remember parts of the night.

He eventually admitted he had a problem and stopped drinking. He did relapse and hid drinks but we made it through that as well. He attended 1 AA, to much god for him

Now, he drinks non alcoholic beer and enjoys it. But on the occasion he drinks I feel anxious, even with just one. After 2 he starts to show signs of anger. I had a small panic attack recently while  on holidays when i seen him sneaking a drink, his response was that I was over reacting and being ridiculous. Yes I have tried to explain how I feel in a clam way, it generally ends with him walking off shitty and I feel like it is me with the problem. 

He has his go to sayings "I am almost 50 and should be able to enjoy a drink if i want" is his favourite. 

I went from almost no trust in him not drinking to having trust that he is not, but there are times i question myself. No point asking his answer is always no. And if i do ask I have to be very specific, for example I asked him one day if he had a drink on the way home ( i could smell it) he said no, with further questioning he had had 2 drinks but not on the way home, therefor he did not lie. 

At a recent event he did have a few drinks, when I asked him to slow down,  this made him angry. He sulked and was shitty. Then he was ready to go because I had ruined the night. One the drive home he talked about getting a divorce because he should be able to drink and he was over me getting upset and not wanting him to drink.

The next day he apologised and  said he was just frustrated.  That is the extent of his apology. Says he does not like to upset me so does not talk about it. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So sad. My last relationship many years ago now my partner was a closet alcoholic and I was naive for several years. It finally came to a head and we split, I know what you are enduring.

I'm not religious but I think AA needs more of a go than one sitting and flexibility because I've known many workmates in the past that have done well post their attendances.

Any changes permanently away from alcohol IMO wont come from your reminders. It's either he gives it up or he doesnt, if "just a few drink because I'm 50yo " type rhetoric is his justification then its going to be ongoing.

I picked up on something missing in yourself and this happens in many couples. Couples together a long time have a certain manner and limit on words, eventually their words have little impact. eg  he says "I am almost 50 and should be able to enjoy a drink if i want"... to which you could reply "I'm 46yo and I should be able to live  without being yelled at"  A distant friend came to visit us. After showing him and his wife through a house my wife and I built together (our own hands) he started to be critical over a coffee. "pity you didnt line up that one weatherboard around the back Tony" and "I would have made the lounge room bigger" (3 bedroom but only the two of us) and the final straw - "I would have taken half the time to build this". The whole house only took 5 moths for us to build!. So my question to him was "and Bill, how many houses have you built"? He deflected "it's not about that". "Well yes it is, how do you know how long it would take you when you dont know which end to hold a hammer". They left and his wife was most embarrassed. 

I have a topic below about this called "wit- the only answer to torment".

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

But there is also a attitude that bothers me with your husband. Some people can issue abuse in ways that turn the blame onto the innocent. Commonly called gaslighting but I'm not going that far. To be told you are over reacting and being ridiculous is what I'm talking about. See thats how much his alcool means to him, try anything so he can continue his addiction. The denial of a drink when he had 2 is insulting your intelligence.

I believe couples counselling is the only way forward if he wont attend AA. If he chooses not to attend, then go alone. Those sessions with give you clarity. If he asks what was said at the session try not to tell him, simply say "you can come along next week if you are interested". 

I hope that helps. Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear BlueFish~

Tony White Knight has given you some pretty good advice and basically you and oyur children should not have to worry about a partner's conduct, be it abusing alcohol or abusing people. It needs to be resolved in some fashion

If he genuinely wants to stop the are other very similar organizations to AA that are secular, and still successful. AA is an inclusive organization and does cater for those who are not religious, they have a page setting this out here:

https://www.aavictoria.org.au/members/information-for-agnostics/

Our own 24/7 Help Line may be of assistance in finding resources near you as well

If your husband genuinely forgot the way he treated the children , which together with concealing bottles and lying and venting anger all seems to indicate his condition is worse that he may imagine. It simply is not fair or even possible for you to have to deal wiht this. He has to want to make your life and his better for there to be hope for improvment. True he may need specialist assistance, but it can be done

I"m afraid I'm probably too rigid and unforgiving in my own nature, because if my partner ever told me, drunk or sober, they wanted a divorcée from then on there would be a fundamental change in my regard and trust of them.

In a way you both need help, him with his drink problem, and you with support to cope during a very difficult and upsetting time. Not only would I suggest counceling for you, but also hope you have a family member or friend to talk frankly with . They only have to listen and care, not fix things.

If I experienced my father drunk and angry at me that would create a very deep impression, can I suggest your children may need some counceling or assistance too?

Please feel free to talk here anytime - you are not alone

Croix

[tranzcrybe]

It is up to your husband whether or not he drinks (or how he chooses to justify it) and how blind drunk he wishes to become. This is his choice as much as accepting the consequences from the behaviour (and thankfully he has not lost control of himself physically as this could occur at any stage without him ever realising he had gone too far).

Equally, it is entirely your choice (and determination for the welfare of your children) whether you remain in such proximity the moment you detect alcohol in any form. Extracting yourself and your children thus becomes a condition (with considerable inconvenience) during such times which might send the message that the behaviour will not be tolerated.

One must assign priorities and this applies to both of you if the relationship is to subsist, ideally to thrive.

[therising]

Hi BlueFish

Your concerns are understandable, given your husband's history with drinking and the side effects that have impacted everyone in the family.

I think everyone's different, when it comes to drinking. Some people remain drinkers, while forever in denial. Some people fully acknowledge the impact of drinking in their life and the lives of those around them and can never touch a drop of alcohol ever again, based on it always having the same negative impact. Some people reform the way they drink but have to remain conscious of how they choose to drink. Personally, I'm a gal who falls into that last category. I'm highly conscious of the fact that alcohol is a mind altering substance and therefor there's a need to manage it carefully and strategically while being conscious of the triggers which may lead me to drink the way I used to. While I may only drink a couple of times a year, it happens in a controlled environment.

I can understand you wanting to lead your husband to be more conscious, with a legitimate fear of him returning to the way things used to be. There is a lot of disappointment that can come from living with a problem drinker. For example, you can appoint them as 'The person who's always in control of their emotions' and they can disappoint themself from that role, when drinking. You can appoint them the role of 'He/she who is always fully conscious and reliable in the case of emergency' and they can disappoint themself from that role when they drink. The list goes on, in regard to the many disappointments. 

As Tony mentions, perhaps counseling could be one way to go. To be guided by another when it comes to an open discussion about your fears and your husband's desire to drink, perhaps there could be possible strategies reached in ways that could serve you both and the relationship. Perhaps he could be led to see drinking in a different light, with such a light making your fears and concerns far more relatable.