A bit confused with what happened with this date

[Earth Girl]

Several years ago, I sent one of my Facebook friends a happy birthday message on Facebook through messenger and he thanked me and asked me if I wanted to go out with him. (I think this was a bit after he broke up with another girl he was in a close relationship with). I was surprised and said yes because I had a crush on him when we were in college and still found him kind of attractive so I wanted to see how things would go.

On the day that we went out, he drove me to the mall and we had lunch, but most of the time he was on his phone talking and texting his friends so I got really nervous and was wondering if he asked me out as a bet or a dare. We went to see a movie afterwards and he was still on his phone for a lot of it. I'm a bit confused as to why he was on his phone so much? Afterwards he drove me back home and said "Thanks for doing this with me, and I'll call you."

A month had past and he didn't call me so I messaged him on Facebook and was asking him how he was and he kept ignoring it. After a few months I messaged him saying that it was okay if he didn't want to continue this relationship if he didn't want to and he said "I was just really busy with work and I never knew we were dating." And then I said "Oh, okay, that is awkward." And just 5 minutes after this he posted on Facebook saying "Any single girls up for a chat" which kind of hurt. I know he doesn't have to continue going out with me, but it was so soon after we just spoke and I just got clarification of what was going on.

A few years after this, I told my sister about it and she explained to me that there's a different between dating and going on a date. So what are the rules when it comes to going on a date? Do you just assume that it's not going to continue if they don't talk to you?

People say he asks girls out a lot so I think he may have gone out with me as more of a fun thing rather than a serious thing.

[Croix]

Dear Earth Girl~

I think your crush got in hte way and led you to assume things. You sent him birthday greetings and he responded by inviting you out. At that stage it could mean anything, he simply wanted company on an outing, he wanted a distraction from his recently broken relationship, to he may just have been being polite. You could call it a date I suppose, a meeting for a meal and movie.

Waiting afterwards for so long in uncertainty would have been very hard and to be finally shonwn that he had no interest would have been pretty crushing, I'm sorry it happened to you.

In any such situation it can quickly become apparent if he is interested in you romantically, and in this case by spending more time on his phone to others then you it is pretty plain he only regarded you as a companion for the evening.

It may well be after his previous experience he was not prepared to think of another relationship and simply wanted short term company. He may not even have realised that himself. Under those circumstances he may not have paced any significance on the outing and was surpried you had read more into it.

I do think it was rude and crass to send that message out so quickly having spoken to you , but maybe he was emphasizing a point (not the way any empathetic person would have done). Of course any single girls answering may end up being disappointed too.

By the sound of it you have not lost anything by failing to continue with that person, and deserve much better.

At a first meeting of this sort it may become apparent of the opposite, with the other peron showing great interest in you and enjoying your company. If you feel the same way that can lead to the sort of dating you wished for.

Croix

[sbella02]

Earth Girl,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, rejection is always painful. I'd like to build on what Croix has said with my own thoughts after reading through your post. 

Croix has made some excellent points here that I'd like to emphasise. Firstly, anyone who doesn't follow up on what they've said they would do after a date is not worth your time. If he's said he'll call you and doesn't, regardless of what his intentions were, he's essentially "ghosted" you. While I wouldn't consider it a relationship following a single date (in this instance), he still said he was going to call you and didn't follow through, which is rude on his behalf. 

Secondly, being on his phone throughout the date was also rude, considering he had invited you out, and you deserve somebody's full attention in that kind of scenario. As Croix has said, it was probably reflective of his desire for company rather than a long, loving, committed relationship, which he should've communicated with you. 

I remember several years ago, I went to a school formal with somebody, whom I ended up going on a few dates with afterwards. While I wouldn't have called this a relationship, or even "dating", I had a mutual friend come up to me about a year ago asking if I was the girl who had "dated" her friend. I was surprised that she had called it dating, as I didn't consider it to be - to me, dating was equivalent to being in a committed relationship.

Thinking about it afterwards, I realised that it made sense to call it dating, as we had been out on a few dates. So I suppose the definition is different for everybody, and communication is needed to establish what a "date" means for somebody and the etiquette that surrounds it. 

I hope this is helpful for you, but feel free to chat some more with us about this, if you have more to get off your chest. We're here for you.

Just know that you deserve somebody who will give you their full attention and follow up their words with meaningful actions. 

All the best, SB

[Earth Girl]

Thanks guys!

I know it was a date because on part of the date, his boss called him and he said "I'm on a date right now" to him so I think he must have had at least some attraction to me, but probably not much. When we went to see the movie, there was an ad with an actress in it and when he saw her, he said "I love that actress! She is so hot!"

So I'm not really sure exactly what his intentions were with this date. I think it was mostly probably just trying to help him move on from his ex. I remember he had a crush on me for a little while when we were in college (like I did with him), but I think we didn't have as much of an attraction towards each other during this date.

[sbella02]

That's interesting, it sounds to me like he may not have been sure what he was after either. Perhaps company, perhaps trying to move on from somebody, perhaps something entirely different. Regardless, it also doesn't sound like he's treated you very well in this scenario, and you deserve to date somebody who is sure about you and will let you know their interest up front.

How do you feel about the situation, is this person somebody you wish to keep seeing?

[Earth Girl]

Yeah, I agree, I don't think he was treating me that well and that I would want someone who would treat me better.

We stopped seeing each other a very long time ago now. He's actually with someone and they have a baby together.

At least now I know that if someone treats me like this on a date again, they won't be someone I'd want to go out with anymore.

[sbella02]

I'm glad to hear you say that - sometimes our bad dating experiences lead us to recognise what traits we don't want in somebody, which turns out to be a good thing.

I heard somewhere that people in your life will either be a blessing or a lesson, and I've always liked that advice 🙂

[Earth Girl]

That' very true! I've had a lot of bad friends as well, but I have learned a lot from those experiences so hopefully I'll be able to meet better people in the future, especially when it comes to dating because you don't want it to lead to you marrying someone who isn't right.

Thanks sbella! 🙂