2nd Sunday in May

[ladybird22]

Hi everyone...Haven't posted in just under a year,  but good old Mothers Day seems to trigger me, so here I am writing out there to the unknown hoping someone understands. 

I seem to struggle with how my relationship with my adult children isn't as good as others & that they are "just too busy for me & don't need me anymore". I feel like I'm not an important person in their lives anymore.

Yes my grandchildren are older now and I did choose to move into a regional area,  but their care factor has dropped and it's been hurting me for a while & worse today.

I did get three texts from them this morning on mother's day, which is better than nothing,  but the texts were all about "how they were going to be spoiled on their mothers day".... Texts & FB are so impersonal and a quick phone call doesn't take much effort.

I went off my antidepressants 2 weeks ago ever so slowly & have been ok,  but ive noticed the same old tired black dog creeping in and today it's horrible.

I did my best as their mum at the time & perhaps I could have made wiser decisions,   but I wasn't always wise back then...

I feel they sent me a "Happy Mothers Day" text early in the day just to get it over with so they could enjoy their own day....

I haven't been well and not one of them asked in their texts this morning, "how r u mum?"... 

I can't drive down to see them due to ill health and I can't make phone calls to them as they are just "too busy" & I feel like I'm a hindrance phoning.

What to do? Do I just accept that I don't have a close family & accept the loneliness and depression that's been creeping up on me again lately?

To all those estranged mothers today feeling the hurt, please remember you are a unique special person & "Happy Mothers Day to you❤️!"

[Emotions26]

Hello ladybird22

I do not really have a clue what I am doing on here.

I joined yesterday.

Your post resonates strongly with me.

Please let me tell you that I very much feel for you.

You still are a mum.

You gave birth to your children.

Yesterday I felt very similar to what you described that the dreaded D I call it had it's icy fingers ready to dig in and hold on tight. I hope that is not too graphic.

Aware of the looming "mother's day".

I lost my own mum late last year.

Younger adult son has been extremely distant since mum's funeral late last year.

Is also grappling with older sibling who is very unwell and does not let us know where he is. He feels safer living interstate.

Older son rings randomly with no caller ID

I listen for as long as I can. Somebody has to listen. We all need to be heard.

Have seen older son randomly when back in this state. Then moves on.

Had only seen younger child briefly at a concert since funeral.

Met at easter for lunch out and to give him his christmas and birthday presents.

Customer service at hotel was poor. All went downhill from there.

He lost it with me completely out of the blue. He has never been this way with me before we have always been very close.

I can't say too much in case might visit the site.

Sent message expressing love and never wanting to hurt me. He did hurt me terribly though.

Not intentionally though. His emotions just exploded like a volcano which is how his father and that family  deal or not deal with their emotions. Was not like him at all.

His message asked for space which I am giving. Have not heard since.

Want to respect the space. Am petrified if I send anything as simple as wanting to give you your space that I will never see or hear from him again!

He told me that I talk too much. I have hardly seen him since my mum passed away and miss him so much.

I want to have a conversation with him. I do not want to send three word text messages that he does not reply to. He does not return phone calls. This had been building up before funeral.

So now I am worried about his health but cannot check on him.

I know that he works very hard and is tired.

I worked whilst having two children whom I did mostly everything for as their dad busy with his interests.

We visited both mums every mother's day and spent time with our mum and dad talking when we visited.Yes we went to them.

Society is spending too much time on technology and little time with real people talking.

Some parents tread on eggshells around their children.

Today my chrysanthemum bush (first time ever flowering so prolifically since planting in the last 18 months) stood out in my garden. I cut some flowers for mum and I cut some flowers for myself.

I also cut some and put them in a vase for mum next door with large family coming home tomorrow with new baby. Gave them to one of her daughters. I thought that her other children / teenagers might like to have some flowers for their mum to find when she walks in.

The dreaded D has not overcome me. Gardening was good. Giving flowers was good.

Am feeling grief now though.

I am meant to grieve my mum.

Mother's day is overrated anyway.

It also upsets so many mums like us and others who have suffered great loss worldwide.

So I offer you a bunch of home grown virtual flowers that are a beautiful dusty pink with tall stems.

I might go outside and cut some more. Talk to my cat and my plants.

Do something for you and honour your mum, or your nana.

That is what I am doing.

Helps a little.

Look after yourself.

sorry  about length you might also be thinking that yes she does talk too much

[HelloGail]

Yes join the Club Ladybird22. My post earlier titled 'Mother's Day' says it all too. I never got a text either but my daughter is estranged so I gave in and phoned her, my number must be blocked by her so I emailed my daughter to call so we could talk, so she rang after two months not talking to me, she is 25 and told me she is leaving Australia to live in the UK for two years. She was polite but I don't think she wants me in her life, she doesn't have time to visit me before she leaves but is going to a resort with her dad in ten days before she leaves. It hurts to know all the special things I did for her as a mum; she no longer wants me in her life. She is successful now in her career and love life, I am too low for her I sense since I am a 63 year old pensioner aged 63. Life sucks. 

[HelloGail]

Hi Emotion26, reading your story and wondered if you feel too we parents are "walking on egg shells". I am similar. I raised my only child on my own, shared 50/50. I feel the same.

[Emotions26]

HelloGail and ladybird22 

Gosh if this post thing grows it will be quite a task writing all of the names

what do you call them icon names or avatar names?

I still can’t see any blue hearts near my icon
Still quite confused

So if I don’t respond is because I have not found a message

I think that we are all mum’s feeling very drained.

our adult children are growing up in a different generation to us and the world is different for them.

Respect was huge. Mine still know that. 
Going to another country is very hard.

You will never be two low for her or anyone.

oh  and now I have bold

You are a pensioner and no matter your age has nothing to do with it.

Respect as a human being.

As far as making time to text which I hate make time to call us - visit us

I am learning that we have to let them steer their own lives total control. We must start putting us first and not always bein available at the drop of a pin for them.

Takes practice

Change the talking in our heads

I have had more than enough of Mother’s Day. Whichever mother..

I am going to try to sleep

I hope that you both sleep well also

Goodnight

[ladybird22]

Emotions I'm so sorry I haven't replied as I've only just remembered to login on here after months...

Thank you from my heart for your beautiful reply, your recommendations to do something like flowers for my mum or nan is such aoveky idea. It gives us something to focus on rather than ourselves.  

[T1972]

Hi, 

I am feeling your pain so much. My daughter and I had a small arguement a year and a half ago over a camping trip that she pulled out of, nothing major at all, and she has turned it into this big ordeal where she is now calling me really horrible names behind my back to my 3 other children. I have tried to mend the relationship and send text messages checking in on her and asking how she is doing but never get a reply.

This younger generation definitely behave differently than us older generations. I can't tell you how many arguements I have had with my Mum over the years but we have always put it behind us and just moved on, we love each other and are always there for each other.

My daughter is 22 and thinks she has a whole world of experience even though her whole teen/adult existence has been created and lived through social media. I have really struggled to talk about my feelings regarding my daughter, it hurts so much and I feel like I am on the brink of tears every time I think about her.

My ex and I split when she was 5 and she went to live with him, after a couple of years she asked to come and live with me as they were both bullying her and treating her terribly. She then refused to go and see him or stay with him for years right up until she turned 18. Now she is working for her step-mum and has a relationship with her father and has pushed me aside. I am so confused and hurt by what feels like a betrayal. I always thought we would have a loving close relationship like I do with my Mum but it has not turned out that way at all. I am devastated and feel so lost without her. 

Through all of this my husband and I have learnt to focus on us and what we want to do and we plan lots of camping trips and road trips to keep ourselves busy. 

Hope you are doing ok 🙂 make sure you look after yourself. We are important and deserve a good life too 

[ladybird22]

Hey ladies I still dont know what im doing on here. Im trying to get this message to reach all of you who replied to me original message when i was feeling pretty damn low. So hope this reaches you all.

After reading your stories it sounds oh so familiar. As someone on here said, 'our children have grown up in a different world than we did (or something like that)'.  There are some adult children that are very close to their parents, but unless we live in the same street or suburb as them, I've come to the conclusion that most of them aren't emotionally close to their mums or dads.

Around ten years ago I moved to a regional area, far away from the maddening crowd in the suburbs, but my kids are still in the area that they were brought up in. So its me who made the moved away. In one way i feel its the best thing i did. Ten years later my adult children seem to be happy living in their childhood built up suburbs, which of course are now far more congested with a population explosion.  Driving down to see them takes me hours, and its not a nice drive, the whole time im alert with crazy drivers cutting in front of me etc. Ive been driving down to see my children because I'm retired from paid work, (not retired from my life!) In the ten years my children have maybe driven up  once, maybe twice to see me... 'Its too far & takes too long, its too busy on the roads, I dont have the time etc.  I rarely, if ever get a phone call, its the occasional FB Messenger i get, they just done have time for their mum.

Now in writing all that down I realise that although "I" always drove up to see my parents in the country, even with three small children, I never expected my parents to make the trip down to see me because it was harder for them. My oh my how things have changed!

I've come to accept that this is a different world now and their  lives are basically ruled by social media and I'm just not a priority in their lives. Somehow I have to keep building a life of my own. My children are adults, they dont need me anymore.

What we need to do is accept that they've flown the coop, and 2023 is way different. They have become selfish  to a point and there isnt anything we can do about that. Its hard though to accept as they are still our children, we gave birth to them and raised them, but now they have to walk down their own path.

If thats the case we all need to stick together on this subject and a part of 'rebuilding' and strengthening our own lifestyles is by supporting each other. The worst times are of course birthdays, Christmas, Mothers and Fathers days etc.  Is there something we can plan ahead for these days to distract us?  Once the day (eg Mothers Day) is over its a relief. How can we prepare for next mothers day?  Can we book somewhere special to be to be, a hotel/motel night away with a nice dinner? What can we do so we dont just mosey around at home feeling miserable on mothers day?

Reading your posts I can tell you I feel your hurt, so maybe we could even join our own group? Any suggestions?