2 awesome men in my life and struggling

[Nelly-Kelly2]

So I’ve been in a relationship with a man (man 1) for 12 years. I love him but not the way he wants me to love him. He’s like a really good friend.
Recently I started a bit of a fling with another man (man 2)  that I’ve known for 20 years and we both get  along soo well it’s ridiculous. We get each other. We both love each other but some of my family are trying to persuade me otherwise. ‘Man 1’ is very clingy and i feel like he watches me like a hawk. He is so detail oriented and I feel like I can’t do anything because he is so attentive of everything I do and I feel like he’s watching me like a hawk. 
Man 2 lets me be who I am and doesn’t judge me. I feel like I can be myself. I’ve moved in and moved out half a dozen times since this has all been going on and I have a lot of issues like anxiety and depression and I don’t know if I should let man 1 go so he can move on but I’m scared that it might not work with man 2 and I end up being sad and alone. 

[sbella02]

Nelly-Kelly2,

Thank you for reaching out, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's a difficult position to be in because it's not your fault for developing feelings for somebody else - acting on those feelings is what would put you in a tougher spot, so it's best not to do this while you're still in a relationship if you want to avoid causing any harm (including long-term to yourself and your own wellbeing).

Navigating this kind of situation requires several considerations:

Developing feelings for somebody while you're in a relationship generally indicates that you have an emotional need that's not being met, which can worsen over time if it's left unmet. Make sure you're considering your own needs, and how well they're being met in your current relationship. Do you feel loved? Do you feel supported? Cherished? Lonely? Start with how you're feeling (be specific), and you can decide from there whether you feel as if this relationship feels wholly fulfilling for you. If you felt, in five to ten years, the way that you do in your relationship currently, would you be happy?

I'd also invite you to consider fully your commitment to the man you've been in a relationship with for 12 years. This is quite a long time, and no doubt there's a lot of history and love between the two of you. Without necessarily mentioning that you've developed these feelings, it may be good to open a gentle conversation with your partner about your dissatisfaction, in whichever way feels best to mention it. Whether this ends in a break-up or a mutual decision to continue trying to fulfil each other's needs more, this will be entirely up to the both of you. 

Finally, allow yourself some time to grieve the loss of the relationship, if you do decide to go separate ways. 12 years is a long time, and this is somebody who is likely quite ingrained in your life and daily decision-making. Do whatever you feel like you need to do to healthily express that loss - go for walks, hang out with loved ones, journal, cry... anything you feel like you need to do. After this period, you may find that you don't feel the same anymore (and that's okay), which simply means that you've put valuable time and effort into making yourself feel content, and will hopefully have found ways to satisfy unmet emotional needs. But if you do still feel the same for this other man, that would be a good time to pursue it, provided both of you are willing to. You'll hopefully feel refreshed and content enough to pursue a connection that feels meaningful and emotionally fulfilling.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts, and how you feel about all of this advice. I hope this gives you something to consider moving forward, remember that we're always here to chat some more if you'd like to. 

All the best, SB

[Nelly-Kelly2]

Unfortunately I have acted on these feelings and when I say moved in and out ½ dozen times it was to move in with man 2. This is in the space of 6 months. Both men are getting frustrated and I don’t know what to do, I love them both but in different ways but don’t know what to do about it because they both hate each other and we’re in a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business. Man 2 is getting frustrated with me but I keep telling him I need more time. I’ve been staying with man 1 as we have a small dog but I don’t feel the same way about him and haven’t for awhile. I find him clingy, as opposed to man 2 who goes with the flow like I do. 

[sbella02]

Nelly,

Thank you for your honesty. It sounds like you're in a tough spot here. 

I'd be inclined to say that if you feel like you have to choose, neither may be a good fit for you. Either way, if your feelings for Man 1 have diminished, it may be time to reconsider this relationship. Particular if you're finding him clingy - this could be an indicator that you're subconsciously trying to distance yourself, which is your body letting you know that you may not be compatible anymore. 

Only you can make the ultimate decision - have faith in your own judgement, and trust your instincts. 

I'll pose a few questions here:

What do you think you should do?

How are you feeling at the moment?

If a close friend or loved one was in your position, what would you tell them?

SB

[Nelly-Kelly2]

Since then I have been working  on myself. I called the hotline and spoke to someone  from beyond blue. For the past 3 days I have been in a hotel room away from both to try and figure it out myself. Have been learning more about them both. Man 1 is getting anxious and wants me back but on his terms. He is leaving town and wants me to go with him.
Man 2 is getting a lot more clingy and messages me all the time. He says he’s in love with me but gets drunk and lashes out with hurtful comments. I have told them both that I need to work myself out first but they’re both getting frustrated as well as myself. I’m trying to stand up for myself and be stronger. I know they both can’t wait forever but I need to make time to sort myself out. 
I feel extremely stressed and sad. Am trying to keep it together but I do suffer from depression and anxiety. Have been on Elaxine / Effexor years. 

[sbella02]

Nelly-Kelly2,

I'm sorry to hear that this is causing you so much distress. Do you have anyone around you who you can turn to for support? Friends, family, colleagues, other loved ones, or even any therapists or psychologists? It may help to have some extra support around you during this time, or people to confide in or talk to when you're feeling upset. They may also have some good advice to offer.

Lashing out with hurtful comments isn't good, and you deserve somebody who speaks to you with respect and kindness, particularly if they're in a vulnerable space.

I'll reiterate my question from before, if you were speaking to a friend about them being in the same situation, what would you advise them to do? This may help to guide you towards making a decision, it may help you to view the situation more objectively.

I'll ask another few interrelated questions that may be difficult to answer: what would be the ideal outcome of this situation for you? What would you ultimately want to happen, in a long-term sense?

Make sure you're being kind to yourself during this time. It can be difficult to make important decisions when you're not feeling the best, so have patience with yourself.

Wishing you all the best.

Warm regards, SB