10yr relationship over?

[Peppa62]

Seeking advice ... my partner (M27) and I (F27) have been together for 10yrs. We took a break briefly last year as I found out something about him that hurt me and needed space. We are now together again and trying to work through things . However a recent/new issue is him and his work mates. I have never met them and he doesn’t want me at events where I might. Eg. work Xmas party, nights out ect. In a recent argument he said he didn’t want to be the guy that always has his gf in tow. This really hurt and made me feel like he’s ashamed of me or embarrassed to be with me. His going out with the ‘boys’ is a recent thing but every known and again I would like to be included/ meet the people he is friends with. Or with all that’s happened recently am I just beating a dead horse... is this relationship over? I’m not sure where to proceed or how to bring it up without him getting defensive . Please help I feel very lost

[Wizard1]

Hi Peppa,

Welcome to the forum.

Without a lot of information, I'm not really sure how I can help. It comes across to me that when your boyfriend hurt you, you lost a lot of trust in him? How did he hurt you? You don't have to answer this if you don't want to but it would be easier to understand where you coming from.

I would say him going out with the boys is not uncommon thing but I totally understand you being rather confused about him excluding you. It can be hurtful when our partners don't include us in their activities. Without knowing too much details I wouldn't say your relationship is over, boys do like to do boys things and it could be exactly this that he is up to.

Does he understand how you feel about this?

Do you have any close friends or family you feel comfortable talking to about this? Maybe they might have some insight that could ease your mind.

Cheers,

Wizard

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well this topic and those like it comes down to personal opinion and boundaries. It might also come down to trust because ein some similar circumstances maybe the guy has a double life and they all know his other GF at work? Or even a female at his work is keen on him and he has her as an insurance for your relationship...if it fails.

What I can tell you as a guy myself is that I'm proud to have my wife in tow and would never contemplate otherwise. I have also sung her praises to my former work mates. That is because I'm fully devoted and love her. How your man sees things is anyones guess but....it doesn't make sense to me.

With relationships there is some definite boundaries that individuals have in their psyche. Your boundaries are yours alone. Many boundaries are shared with the majority of couples eg affairs, drugs, violence, gambling and so on. So think clearly now, is a boundary of yours one that finds it unacceptable for your partner to not want you in a workplace party? Is your boundary one that is such that he exceeds it when he does not show pride of you? That's the question here along with any possibility of untoward behavior if there is any.

They say - "where there's smoke there's fire". If there isn't any then why is he keeping you at arms length?

Whatever your boundaries are - maintain them and be proud of them. If you happen to separate and you find yourself in a dating situation...be firm with your standards and boundaries. Don't stop looking, dating and searching for that guy that treats you like the princess you are.

Best of luck there. I hope he concedes to your needs.

TonyWK

[Wizard1]

Hi Peppa,

I totally agree with everything Tony just said too. I too have no issue with inviting my partner to anything and I tell her anything she wants to know when she chooses not to.

My friends sometimes have the boys night out and their wives (as far as I can tell) are happy with this.

Your partners defensiveness can range from feeling interrogated to actually having something to hide. There is no real easy way of knowing.

Can you trust your partner? Do you find his behavior acceptable?

These are the questions you really need to ask yourself.

You have a difficult decision,

Wizard

[Peppa62]

Hi wizard , you are right in that trust was broken. He and the boys at work have a “group chat” which I’ve always been a bit cautious about as I had seen some of the things been shared amongst them but boys will be boys right! However it came to my attention about 2 months before Christmas that there was a secret snap chat account and another website that guys could rate girls and make comments on girls appearances and the comments he left made me sick to my stomach . It shattered my view of him and made me really insecure about my appearance . . All in all we split up and then decided to work on things and try to make changes. I listened to how I could be better for him and vise versa . However I just feel like he’s trying to have a whole seperate life with the boys that I’m not included in and it makes me wonder if he no longer sees me as a forever partner.

I also would like to get to know his friends as I would like to be long term in his life . But alls I know about his friends is what I don’t like about them from the group chat , secret accounts ect.

Sorry about the emotional dump. There are just more issues than I can poke a stick at

[white knight]

Hi Peppa

I've worked with men all my life. I don't like what I see, but that is a bland statement not all men fit into.

As I said, you need to adopt your standards to fit your life and don't settle for anything less. If he doesn't fit into them, he likely never will. I know you'd like to stay with him but you must assess your own mental well being and happiness.

It is a sad fact that partners stay with chronic gamblers when they've worked their heart out, the faithful stay with the unfaithful, the hard worker stays with the lazy, the abused stays with the abuser...time and time again. You have to work out if you can tolerate his ways, his thought patterns that include not wanting your presence among others, to mention one issue.

But you also cannot assume he will change at least in the short and medium term.

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Hi P. Just on the boys thing.

The girls are the same these days they have their 1 or 2 nights a month out clubbing and drinking and lots of flirting and dancing and talking about their man problems and who knows what else. lt's so common now that after my divorce l really just didn't want someone else so into their friends and their girls nights. But , they can be even worse than guys so l know how you feel.

But , never the less it'd be silly for me back when to think of going out with them too even though l wouldn't want to anyway. But, it's a girls night, no hubbies or bf's. And that's probably the case with his is it , do any other gf's or wives go ? lf it is just a boys night then non of them are gonna want the girls around not only your bf it'd defeat the whole idea so don't feel bad about thtat.

Anyway good luck with everything.

[Peppa62]

Hey yeh I see where your coming from but this isn’t just about a boys night .

[Wizard1]

Hi Peppa,

I am guessing that you might feel more comfortable if you knew more about his friends. Something other than their behaviour in this web chat. I would also imagine that you would feel better if you knew that he would be willing to open up his life to you. Would that be a fair assessment?


Could you ask to meet each of his friends one at a time at some other time to the boys night out? It would give you the opportunity to know each one more personally and gauge how serious your boyfriend is about letting you into his life. If he refuses this then this might be something more than the boys night out problem.

I hope this helps,
Wizard