Years of childhood abuse

Sej · ‎29-11-2022

Hi, This is my 1st time posting. I have been through years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse when I was a child. It started when I was 6. I buried everything as much as I could when I became an adult. I didn't want people to worry, and I couldn't cope with it. I put myself in a horrible workplace. and I struggled and became suicidal. I knew I needed help and started seeing a Psychologist. I have been seeing her since July. I recently did the ptsd test and got 64 points. It was a good yet terrifying feeling. My thoughts and emotions weren't made up. I am seeing my Psychologist twice a week as I am having repressed memories come back and recurring nightmares. I struggle with trust and I am so scared that my Psychologist won't want to see me anymore. She has made it abundantly clear she is there for me, but I can't help it. I am still trying to process the past, the future, the therapy. My head is like a tornado, just filled with insults, abuse, hate towards myself, memories and pain. Will this stop?

Sej · ‎27-04-2023

Tonight I am having a rough night. I can feel my emotions trying to go into crisis mode. I tried cooking something new for dinner, turning on the air con because it is warm. I tried calling my daughter (she is at uni), but she didn't answer.

My next therapy isn't until Monday. So it is going to be a hard run until then.

I am going to read all responses again to help me, and try to not tip into the red for myself. I am balancing on a tight rope right now. I don't want to fall.

Summer Rose · ‎27-04-2023

Hi Sej

It’s helpful that you are able to recognise what’s happening for you right now. This consciousness, as scary as it feels, gives you time to reflect and work towards the path you want to take.

You’ve still got your footing, so just breathe. Think about the strategies you’ve been taught to help manage a situation like this. Most importantly, believe in yourself.
You are smart, capable and motivated to heal. And, you are stronger than you think. If you need evidence of this remember your ability to cope at your last therapy session. Remember how far you have already traveled.
Your ideas to prevent the emotions swamping you made good sense to me. You can also try doing something you enjoy that you’re good at, which should give you a lift. Or, try some deep breathing exercises. Just lie down on the floor, hands under ribs, close your eyes and breathe deeply.

Or, try calling your daughter again or perhaps a friend. If you can’t connect, try the bb support line.

You can also talk to yourself. Remind yourself that you are a strong survivor who is making good progress. Remind yourself that you have goals and are highly motivated to meet them. Remind yourself that you are safe—no one is going to hurt you now.

My final thoughts are to avoid alcohol, eat well and get plenty of rest. You need to be in top physical shape right now.

Please post anytime, lovely. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind thoughts to you

Eagle Ray · ‎27-04-2023

Dear Sej,

I don’t know if this will help, but yesterday I had an horrendous day with really debilitating depression. I was in a very bad way. But today I’m doing quite a bit better. When you are in the middle of those bad feelings it can feel like there is no way out and it’s awful, but it’s really, really important to know there is a way out and things do get better.

Even though I love photography I’ve hardly done it over the past year because I’ve felt so broken. But today I went out with my camera and took some wildlife images and it really made a difference to my mental state. I just mention it because I know you love your photography. Is it something you can connect with right now? Even going through the images on your computer, doing some photo editing etc? For me that’s like a meditation that absorbs me, as does the going out and taking photos, and it can transform how I feel.

I find anything to do with nature healing, such as looking at photos of beautiful scenery and animals. Would even doing something like that on your phone or computer help? You could imagine a future photography project or place you’d like to travel to?

Sometimes we can have these dark forces from traumatic aspects of our past, but there are also hopeful and life-giving forces within us. I’ve had a real battle with those components in myself this week, and just really want to encourage you that you can reconnect to the life-giving forces, the things that help you to feel connected and whole.

Take care and know you just have three days until your next therapy. Remember you can call helplines just to chat to someone too. You don’t have to go into details about hard stuff either if you don’t want to. You can just have a chat with someone and let them know you just needed that contact (keeping in mind some people on helplines are more chatty and others don’t say much).

Sending you peaceful, comforting energy and support over the next few days.

Sej · ‎29-04-2023

Thank you to both for your support. I really appreciate it. I might try photography again. I get that rush of enjoyment. I love thinking about where the photo might look the best. What angle, what light, how close.

I can't meditate unfortunately. My mind goes straight to the abuse. Maybe a few more years of therapy and that would change.

My daughter called back last night. We facetimed and it was so good to see her.

Today, I have had a much better day. My boss gave me a highly important job to do, which took me a few hours, and she was stoked with the result. Then I showed a senior person how to book their travel. Another senior person who has a wicked sense of humour made me laugh multiple times. Then tonight we went to dinner and a show with our best friends. At the end of the show (which was a comedy show) the message was "Don't give up." It was in context of 3 words whenever you feel like it is the end, don't give up. Then they paused and said on chocolate, which was hilarious. But the 3 words really hit the spot.

So, I rode the wave yesterday, and got through it. A small win, but a good win.

Summer Rose · ‎29-04-2023

Hi Sej

Thanks for sharing your good news. Well done!

Please do something to celebrate your win, you’ve earned it.

Kind thoughts to you

Eagle Ray · ‎29-04-2023

Dear Sej,

That’s so good to hear. It’s encouraging when we have some good experiences and we are around warm people with a sense of humour. The comedy show sounds like fun and I love the bit about don’t give up on chocolate 😂

I find the photography completely absorbs me. I’ve been out doing photography this morning actually. I’ve had debilitating depression over the past week but I become ok once I’m behind the lens and also later while looking at and editing photos. It’s like going into a kind of flow where I am connected and in the moment.

I’m so glad you were able to ride the wave yesterday. Those small wins are very meaningful. Sending best wishes.

Sej · ‎08-05-2023

This last week has been testing for me. I was abused while parallel parking by someone who thought by going right behind me as I was parking was smart. I was told to learn how to f'ing drive. When I got out of the car, a guy who saw the entire altercation told me I parked perfectly, and did nothing wrong.

Then, my husband's uncle got put in hospital awaiting a pacemaker.

Then the next day there was a stabbing 400mts away from work. Friday morning, another stabbing about 1km away from work.

On Sunday I nearly hit 3 14ish year old girls with my car after they pulled out of a street without giving way in a golf buggy. I slammed on my brakes and just missed them. Luckily I was doing 10ish under the speed limit.

So yeah, very trying week. At work 12 people tested positive to covid. 10 more are off sick. And, today was my last Monday of therapy. I am now only going once a week.

Eagle Ray · ‎09-05-2023

Dear Sej, I’m sorry you’ve had those challenging things happen over the week. Unfortunately some people are very rude on the roads and have a go at us when we’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I’m so glad that kind guy came up to you and acknowledged you parked perfectly. I think it can help to try and take in and absorb that kindness as a good feeling to counter the stress created by the unpleasant person.

I would feel rattled by those various things happening too. I think when you’ve had past trauma you are much more sensitive to such events which is really understandable. I think even just recognising that can help, that your nervous system is a bit more wired to react sensitively (mine does too). Then you can go easily and gently on yourself.

I know it can take a bit of time to learn to self-calm. I feel like I’m slowly starting to be able to do it. This morning I was really reflecting on some kind people in my life and their good energy and it helped me feel more balanced over the rest of the day. They create a warm feeling in my heart so I’ve been returning to that as a source of peace. I still get bursts of what I guess I could describe as trauma stress in the day, but I kind of rebalance with the warm, safe feeling.

It’s like finding a way to be held in safe energy which wasn’t necessarily there in childhood and learning that it’s possible to feel that warmth and safety now, even though learning it later in life. If you can tune into those warm, safe feelings that can help you get through the week until your next therapy appointment.

I hope this week is going better and you are feeling better.

Sej · ‎24-06-2023

I can't believe it has been nearly 2 months since I last posted. A lot has happened in that time. I will start with the not so good.

I had a rough time with my mental health. It was the closest I got to being involuntarily admitted to hospital. It was about 2 weeks of totally horrible thoughts.

I was in hospital for 5 days not for mental health, but still off work now, and will be for another 3 weeks.

My Psychologist is leaving, and we had our last session on Wednesday.

Now for the good things

I have found a new Psychologist I hope. I meet her this Wednesday. She is in my town on holidays.

My mental health went good again, although it feels like it wants to drop again.

My work had been really supportive of me and cares.

So yeah, a brief update, whilst I try to not fall again mentally 🙂 .

smallwolf · ‎26-06-2023

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through such a challenging time with your mental health. It takes a lot of strength and courage to face those difficult thoughts and emotions. I hope you know that you're not alone in this journey and that there are people who care about your well-being.

It's positive to hear that you've found a new Psychologist and have a meeting scheduled with her. Building a supportive therapeutic relationship can make a significant difference. Remember to be open and honest with her about your experiences and concerns.

Please remember to take things at your own pace and be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, and it's normal to have ups and downs along the way. Reach out to your support system whenever you need it. You're doing great, and I believe in your resilience.