Years of childhood abuse

[Sej]

Hi, This is my 1st time posting. I have been through years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse when I was a child. It started when I was 6. I buried everything as much as I could when I became an adult. I didn't want people to worry, and I couldn't cope with it. I put myself in a horrible workplace. and I struggled and became suicidal. I knew I needed help and started seeing a Psychologist. I have been seeing her since July. I recently did the ptsd test and got 64 points. It was a good yet terrifying feeling. My thoughts and emotions weren't made up. I am seeing my Psychologist twice a week as I am having repressed memories come back and recurring nightmares. I struggle with trust and I am so scared that my Psychologist won't want to see me anymore. She has made it abundantly clear she is there for me, but I can't help it. I am still trying to process the past, the future, the therapy. My head is like a tornado, just filled with insults, abuse, hate towards myself, memories and pain. Will this stop?

[Croix]

Dear Sej~

I've been reading your thread and have taken personal comfort from the way you have coped. It's true you have a doctor who understands your humor (probably a most important thing ), gives you heaps and psych who goes out of their way to let you know you won't be abandoned (and gives hugs)

These are all terrific things but just a couple of ho-him responses can undo an awful lot of good

Have you had the same hassles with the Suicide Call Back Service web-chat? (Yes they do talk about self harm)

Just in general web-chat does go for shorter lengths of time and can get rushed, maybe although it might  seem easier,  maybe talkng on the phone instead might be better -dunno

Being reminded of those experiences of your childhood happens, no argument, however they do get less upsetting and take over less. In my case therapy, the right meds, partner support and time - together with my experience in handling me - have all contributed to my PTSD being in a much better state

It's understandable alcohol could might bring back memories and feelings. I do not know your partner. Many people drink and it is not necessarily a bad thing in moderation, do you think you might have a gentle chat with him - not so much to change his ways, but make him aware he may have to take positive steps to reassure you when he has a glass?

As Summer Rose has said, 4 months on the SH clock is pretty good and there is no need to feel bad when telling you psych, how have you managed in the meantime whenever the need has been there? Reached for your camera, used Smiling Mind, Calm Harm or BeyondNow. I've found they all have their place

I do apologize, this is another 'serious' post, and you get many, all good, all sensible. Can I suggest?

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/bb-social-zone/worst-joke-wednesday/m-p/64155#M1832

and

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here/m-p/265309

I've popped them in because for me light matter or humor have bee some of the most effective things 

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sej

I just wanted to send you support and wholeheartedly agree with Summer Rose that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You are doing so well at working through what are very challenging things and you deserve credit for that.

As far as the BB chat goes, it’s really important to know that if the person is rushing you or not sensitively responsive to you it is not a reflection on you. I haven't used the chat but it sounds like it may be a bit more limited than the phone helpline. I've called the BB helpline and Lifeline several times and while it’s mostly been helpful, I had one call that really wasn’t. I was already extremely vulnerable and it put me in a worse place. I had to try and calm myself down afterwards and then I called again and got the most gentle and kind man who really helped me. So sometimes it's just unfortunate if the person you get is not meeting you where you're at in that moment. But I know that's so hard to deal with when it happens, especially when you've really plucked up the courage to reach out for help. So don't be discouraged by those experiences. Another possible source of help could be The Blue Knot Foundation who deal specifically with complex trauma. They do have a helpline that's 9-5 (eastern states time), 7 days a week: 1300 657 380 They have web chat too but it's for info only, not counselling.

I'd also like to concur with Croix that often humour and things of a light-hearted nature can help. It's just occurring to me now to add some humorous YouTube clips I like to the Beyond Now app which I have on my phone, so I think to refer to them when I'm feeling low myself.

Take care and hope you have a good appointment this week with your psychologist. All the best!

[Sej]

Thank you everyone for the responses,  I have read them over and over, and had a cry. The reason I do the chat over the call, is I really struggle to talk on the phone to people about this. 

Unfortunately,  2023 has delivered yet another blow. My husbands cousin died this morning.  It was his daughters birthday,  Easter and his 8 year old found him. A lot of emotions going in the family today. 

2023 blows so far.

- brother arrested for something disgusting. I found out on new years day.

- cat passed away

- covid

- My GP has left, and while we had a big hug goodbye,  it was still upsetting. 

- My cousin passed away 2 weeks ago.

- husbands cousin passed away today.

- therapist planting the seed that she might be leaving for overseas this year.

Can I just skip this year please.  It seems easier to skip. Everytime I try to get back on the boat, it capsizes. 

Anyway, such is life, and death this year. As well as pain and disappointment. But, I still wear the happy mask daily. 

[Croix]

Dear Sej~

I can see how difficult it can be to talk over the phone (or face to face for that matter) and how web-chat can seem an easier option. As you have found out it is not an ideal option.

I've phoned up a line and said "This is difficult for me, if I fall silent for a little while do not think I've stopped, and also do not think your presence is not helping". So far I've found this has promoted patience in long silences

I hope both your doctor and your psych have given serious though on who to hand over to, it can make a huge difference. If unsure ask, it may say you some worry.

In the past I've found changing GPs very taxing as I worry the next one will not have the same way of treating and accept me as the previous one did.

Croix

[Sej]

I have started to self harm more frequently, and I know it isn't good, but it is relieving.  I know I shouldn't,  but all my coping mechanisms aren't working. 

I am not doing anything worth going to hospital for, nor anything that will last long. I have had a lot of crap happen this year, and everytime I feel positive,  another bad thing happens.  

So, yeah, that is where I am at now. Hopefully life will improve. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sej, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this difficult time. You have had so many challenging things so far this year. Then you also have the loss of the supportive GP and uncertainty about your therapist’s future. That can leave you feeling like your supports that were stabilising are not there as they were, which can be unsettling in itself.

Late last year I was dealing with suicidal ideation and self harm impulses. I’m always looking for answers to try and understand what’s happening to me. I came across the work of Janina Fisher, a psychotherapist who specialises in helping people dealing with things like self harm. She is very compassionate and views the self harm as coming from a traumatised part of ourselves but it’s not the whole of us. It’s like a part that needs nurturing and integrating. She has a website: janinafisher.com  I just thought her website might give some ideas and resources. She has developed a method called Trauma Informed Stabilisation Treatment (TIST). There is a directory of practitioners on her website including some from Australia. Hopefully you will still have your current therapist, but if she did go overseas that might be another option to look into.

Janina Fisher seems to have a really good understanding of the reasons for self harm, how it is relieving as you describe and ways to begin healing. While quite a bit of the info on her website is for practitioners (e.g. training etc) she tries to make info accessible to trauma survivors too including articles she’s written. I like the way she treats people who experience things like self harm with respect, understanding their inner world.

Take care and I hope you feel better soon and have some good experiences that balance out the not good ones.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

Lovely to hear from you. Although, I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing a rise in SH behaviour.

I believe this development is sadly likely to be expected given the challenges you’ve been dealing with this year. Sometimes it’s “two steps forward one step back” over a long haul journey.

It’s okay. You’re human and getting up to face each day as best you can is challenging, exhausting at times. It’s also all one can do.

I think it’s important to recognise this for what it is: an understandable setback. Please don’t beat yourself.

Choose to focus on all that you have accomplished thus far—and it is significant. Choose to ride this out whilst being kind to yourself. Choose to resolve to reduce the SH behaviour when you can.

I really feel for you and wish you well.

[Sej]

Hi Eagle Ray and Summer Rose. Thank you for your heartfelt responses.  They were desperately needed and your compassion has been put to use. I have book marked Janinas webpage and will look at it properly. 

I had a very emotional therapy today. I discussed my fear of reducing therapy to once a week. I discussed my SH fear, and she asked me what age does the emotion feel for SH.  She then asked me what that child needed to hear, and how much kindness we can give to that part of myself.  

I had a few tears, and fought to not dissociate again like I did last therapy session.  She kept checking in and doing grounding with me when I started to zone out.

I am so glad that I didn't lie to my therapist this time like I did last time. I told her I was OK last time when I was far from it.

I am so grateful for the support here. It helps me to keep going no matter how far I have fallen.  I have made a promise to myself to not get as bad as last night, and to ask for help. I don't want to feel that low again.  

Messages of support, compassion,  kindness and understanding help me more than you might realise.  I may not reply with much, but I read everything multiple times. They have helped me out of some dark places.

Thank you for helping a stranger who you owe nothing to, but given so much.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes for two reasons. Firstly, the way you handled your last therapy session was amazing, you should be so proud of your wins. I know that I am very proud of you. I admire your tenacity and strength, and I firmly believe that with time you will get to where you want to be.

Secondly, it really means a lot to me to know that my support is helping you. 
I am no mental health expert, I’m just a mum who cares for a child with a serious chronic mental health condition called OCD. When my beautiful girl fell ill she was just 13 years old, and to be honest mental health wasn’t even on my radar. Over the past decade we have been through thick and thin together, and I have learned a lot about the human spirit, the power of love and kindness and the importance of good mental health. It’s been a roller coaster ride of incredible highs and lows that often left me raw and exhausted given the intensity of the emotions, whether it be pride, joy, sadness or despair.

I want it to mean something. And being able to support you does give meaning to my experience. It gives me a way to purposefully take what has been, and continues to be, the most challenging part of my life and within my ability do some good in the world.

Yes, we are strangers. But we are bound by our humanity, our suffering and our need for compassion and understanding in a tough world.
So, there is no need to thank me. It is I who should be thanking you for letting me into your world and giving me the opportunity to support you on your journey.

Kind thoughts to you

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sej, I’m glad you were able to tell your psychologist. She sounds really compassionate and supportive. It’s important to be able to be vulnerable in a space that safely supports you. It can be very healing. It’s only natural to have some lows with everything you’ve been dealing with. Post anytime you feel the need to reach out. Go gently and I hope you have a lovely week ahead.