Years of childhood abuse

[Sej]

Hi, This is my 1st time posting. I have been through years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse when I was a child. It started when I was 6. I buried everything as much as I could when I became an adult. I didn't want people to worry, and I couldn't cope with it. I put myself in a horrible workplace. and I struggled and became suicidal. I knew I needed help and started seeing a Psychologist. I have been seeing her since July. I recently did the ptsd test and got 64 points. It was a good yet terrifying feeling. My thoughts and emotions weren't made up. I am seeing my Psychologist twice a week as I am having repressed memories come back and recurring nightmares. I struggle with trust and I am so scared that my Psychologist won't want to see me anymore. She has made it abundantly clear she is there for me, but I can't help it. I am still trying to process the past, the future, the therapy. My head is like a tornado, just filled with insults, abuse, hate towards myself, memories and pain. Will this stop?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

You are so welcome, lovely.

For what it’s worth, I think you are doing amazingly well. Strong, clear and insightful. You got this!

Kind thoughts to you 

[Sej]

I feel like I am spiralling today. I am back to work tomorrow. I love my job, but I am so scared that they will say you are no longer required. I have been away for a total of 4 weeks. 3 for annual and 1 for covid. Add to that, I saw the statue on TV which was right next door to the place I lived when I was abused.

I am having thoughts in my head re Self H. I am trying so hard to not follow through. 

Arrgghhh emotions stink!

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

Sorry to learn that you’ve hit a rough patch. So far it’s a bad day—nothing more—and we all have them. Hopefully you can sleep it off and reset tomorrow.

Try not to worry about work. No one can help falling ill and you’re entitled to your leave. I’m sure it will be okay.

Kind thoughts to you

[Sej]

The last few days have been up and down. Wednesday night to add to my emotions, a horrible memory of abuse returned, so that has been playing on a loop in my head.

Work went great, it was just my irrational fears the night before.  They missed me and were happy to have me back. 

My best friend came for the weekend. It was the best seeing her, but sad that she left this morning. 

The self H feelings are still there. But, I haven't acted on them. I was very close, but walked away. It was a small win, and while the urge is still there, I know I can fight it.

I have my Psychologist appointment via zoom tomorrow.  It is my 1st session back on zoom since my leave.  

I had my GP appointment on Thursday.  I am so grateful for her. She is down to earth, gets my humour and gives me crap. I told her about the memory that returned the night before,  and she was so supportive.  She even gave me a hug at the end and said don't give up.  

Monday tomorrow,  and back to work.  I still love my job and my workmates. 

Now to keep myself from thinking,  and win against the urge again. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sej

I’m so glad you’ve got that support from your GP and it’s good you’re seeing your psych and can talk through your current feelings with her. It was so nice you had your best friend stay too. It’s lovely that work went well and you were welcomed back by your workmates.

In relation to SH thoughts I was thinking about your photography interest and whether planning an upcoming photography outing might help as a distraction? Or going through photos from your trip, which you may have been doing already? I was actually thinking along those lines today as I’ve just been taking photos with my phone lately, but started planning photo ideas in my head with my proper camera, especially coming into autumn as I can see the change of season creating some new opportunities.

A few days ago I had SI come up for me because I got activated by some recent things, so I relate to that feeling of thoughts coming up that you don’t really want. I put the BB safety plan app on my phone which can be used for SI and SH thoughts. I’ve found it quite helpful as I’ve had bouts of distress come up and then I can refer to it to remind myself of things I can do to distract and nurture myself and people I can contact for support. It somehow makes me feel more secure, like there’s a safety net. Just wondering if it might help you too?

 I think trauma processing is a gradual thing and sometimes you go back and forth between feeling ok and not ok. But I think that the body/mind can keep moving towards equilibrium as it releases past trauma. I think it’s natural that it sometimes reflexes backwards a bit as it works towards balancing and feeling safe.

You are doing so well Sej and post anytime you feel the need to as it can really help to interact with others if feeling vulnerable. Take care and sending kind thoughts.

[Sej]

Hi Eagle Ray, 

Thank you for your reply. I have been going through photos of my trip. One photo that I am using for my profile pic is one that I took at Cataract Gorge in Launceston. It represents for me that while the journey is uneven, twisted, hard and not pretty, it still goes up. 

I have thought about going on a photography trip, but the town I live in, there are only so many photos you can take before they become repetitive. 

I also have the bb safety plan, plus the calm harm app to help with urges. If they aren't helping,  then I contact BB, which I did last night.

I told my Psych about the support I get from here today.  She was very happy that I was using the forum.  She was very happy that I received an email from BB checking on me because of my SH thoughts.  

I am glad you were also able to control your thoughts.  I wonder if there is some possibility of a photography thread in the social BB forum where we can share our photos,  and get inspiration from each other.

[Sej]

I am so fed up with my emotions going up and down. There is no reason for me to feel horrible today. I spoke to my Psychologist yesterday. I have her again tomorrow, yet today I feel like crap.

It is my daughters birthday, the 1st that I have been away from her for. I won't see her until probably Christmas. 

I hate feeling like I am spiralling.  I have a great support network,  great Psychologist. Great Gap, great job, I shouldn't feel like this.  

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sej

I really understand about the emotions going up and down. It’s like we recover somewhat and then there’s a rebound effect where we kind of go backwards. I’m actually going through the same thing right now. I think it’s just part of the challenging process of recovery and at those times of vulnerability it’s really good to just be really gentle and kind with yourself.

 I too feel I have several good things in place, such as a really empathetic and helpful psychologist, good neighbours and a lovely town I live in surrounded by beautiful nature places. And yet at times I fall back into a hole. But I think the best thing is kindness and self-nurturance and resting as much as you need, knowing the storm of emotions will ease again, just as actual storms do in nature.

 I really enjoyed reading about your Cataract Gorge photo and how there’s a challenging and twisting path but it’s still going up. Sometimes we feel like we’ve fallen back to where we were before but we’ve actual come a substantial way and we are just in a temporary bout of emotional struggle again.

The best thing I’ve found has been to just let myself feel my emotions rather than struggle against or fight them and to do so with kindness and gentleness. I then find there tends to be a kind of release where I start to settle again. It’s just rocky at times but I think when you’ve been through a lot that tends to happen and it’s really ok and you will be ok.

The idea of a photography thread is a really nice idea. I’m not sure if BB would be able to facilitate it because there might be confidentiality issues around people posting images that may identify themselves, whether intentionally or not. But there is a thread in the Staying Well section where some of us post about our daily walks and describe what we see and experience. I’ve been finding that helpful as it links in with observing my surroundings as that’s what I do when I’m out with my camera too.

Take good care and sending you healing support and kindness.

[Sej]

Well, it has been a while since I posted on here. I had been going alright.  But, a few weeks back I had a disgusting memory come back.  I knew my grandfather was a disgusting person, but I didn't realise how sadistic he was. I now know why I hate alcohol.  The downside,  my husband drinks. And, that brings us to tonight.  I was already feeling blah as I haven't had therapy in nearly 3 weeks. I felt a bit invalidated and embarrassed.  Then, my husband poured a glass of wine. I broke my cycle of SH. I hadn't done it since early December. My head was saying your husband drinks because he hates you. I did it to try and stop that.

I probably won't contact bb anymore as that invalidation and being rushed has now happened twice in a row. The last time I contacted was about 4 weeks ago. It took me this long to build the courage up again to contact.

So, time to start my sh clock again. I guess 4 months is pretty good. Once therapy starts again on Wednesday,  I will have to tell my therapist.  I feel guilty now for doing that, but I feel like I deserved it for being like this. 

Hopefully tomorrow morning I will wake up and not be in the yuck zone.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

I’m really sorry that you experienced a setback—but it’s okay. Nothing to feel guilty about. You are doing your best in incredibly challenging circumstances and that’s all anyone can do. I find your courage and commitment to be inspirational.

Four months SH-free is an awesome achievement and you should be proud. Your success will continue, I have no doubts. You deserve a pain-free life and I believe you will get there.

I’m really sorry about your experience with the bb support.  If there is a way to provide feedback to bb about your chat experiences I would encourage you to do this. I’m certain bb would want to improve.

Kind thoughts to you