Years of childhood abuse

Sej · ‎29-11-2022

Hi, This is my 1st time posting. I have been through years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse when I was a child. It started when I was 6. I buried everything as much as I could when I became an adult. I didn't want people to worry, and I couldn't cope with it. I put myself in a horrible workplace. and I struggled and became suicidal. I knew I needed help and started seeing a Psychologist. I have been seeing her since July. I recently did the ptsd test and got 64 points. It was a good yet terrifying feeling. My thoughts and emotions weren't made up. I am seeing my Psychologist twice a week as I am having repressed memories come back and recurring nightmares. I struggle with trust and I am so scared that my Psychologist won't want to see me anymore. She has made it abundantly clear she is there for me, but I can't help it. I am still trying to process the past, the future, the therapy. My head is like a tornado, just filled with insults, abuse, hate towards myself, memories and pain. Will this stop?

Sej · ‎24-01-2023

Hi Eagle Ray,

What you described is exactly how I feel, and what I think. I always feel responsible for what happened to me, and feel responsible for not reporting what happened to me earlier, causing the horrible unmentionable thing that I found out on new years day. If I had of reported my abuse at 6, then what happened now may not have happened. So I am feeling disgusted and to blame for the actions of my relative who I have disowned for what he did. I hope that makes sense.

My therapist says that I am brilliant at validating others, but not myself. She wants me to join an online DBT class that she may be the Psychologist doing it. She said that with my kindness and caring and able to validate others could really help others. She knows that I like to help people by using my own trauma and life events as a way for people to grow. If I can tell my story to someone, and it helps them, then I feel that my abusers have lost a little more power over me.

But, I have horrible trust issues and talking in a group environment is nerve racking. Plus, I don't think I will be able to get more time off work to do that, as well as therapy twice a week.

So much to think about. Sorry for the rambling though. Another thing I am great at - dribbling unnecessary words out of my mouth haha.

Summer Rose · ‎01-02-2023

Hi Sej

Sorry for the tardy reply. Unfortunately, I don't receive notifications since bb updated the forums. It's very frustrating, as I really want to support you. I'm so please that Eagle Ray was able to offer you an empathetic and amazing reply.

You've certainly had a very rough start to the year. Hugs to you.

I am very sorry that you have disowned a family member and that you are dealing with shock that your mother lied at your child abuse court case. I can't imagine why she would have behaved this way. Has she explained it to you? (no pressure to answer) I don't know enough about your relationship to really comment further.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your cat. I know how hard this type of grief can be, as some of us spend more time with our pets than people and they are such an important part of our day-to-day lives. One step at a time and remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be kind to yourself.

Self-validation sounds like a helpful exercise, despite the challenges it presents for you. Again, go slow and take care of yourself on this journey.

I'm hoping that you've managed to get away on your trip and relax, decompress and enjoy. If you feel up to it, let us know how it went.

Kind thoughts to you

Eagle Ray · ‎01-02-2023

Hi Sej

What you say completely makes sense. I have done exactly the same - felt disgusted in myself and blamed myself for what was done to me. I think it’s possible to go back and comfort our inner child and stick up for her. I’m gradually learning to support my own inner child but I know it can be challenging at first because it’s like a new experience. You were only 6 years old and you survived the way any 6 year old would.

It’s lovely your psychologist can see how great you are at validating others. It’s good to do, but also good to remember not to give so much that you don’t have energy left over for yourself. I used to validate others almost compulsively but not do it for myself. I’m now learning to validate others in a way that gives energy to both me and them while remembering to self-validate. I can slip back into forgetting myself but I’m at least catching myself doing that and then remembering to self-care.

I understand about talking in the group being nerve wracking. I think do whatever feels most intuitively comfortable for you right now and take things as gradually as you need to. I can tell you are a really kind person with lots of empathy. You deserve good things going forward. Feel free to let us know how you’re going if it’s helpful. I hope your trip has been a time to unwind and take time for yourself.

Sej · ‎02-02-2023

Thank you for your replies :). The trip has been great so far. We go on the Spirit of Tasmania tomorrow morning, and I am so excited.

I met my therapist for the first time on Monday, and had another session today. We walked into a garden in Melbourne and discussed mindfulness techniques. We discussed how my love of photography would be great for implementing the mindfulness way. Taking note of why I like the way the angles of the photos look. We had a laugh together at my 2 second concentration if a photo opportunity comes. She got me to feel my other senses, and forget about sight. I lasted 5 seconds, then saw a bird haha.

Thank you all for your support. Between my therapist, my holiday, my family and the support here, I am almost relaxed.

Eagle Ray · ‎02-02-2023

Hi Sej

That is just so wonderful to hear 😊

Tassie is a wonderful place, especially for photography. I do photography myself, especially wildlife and landscape. When I am doing it I’m in a state of total flow with my surroundings, so I think it’s perfect for mindfulness and healing. You’ve reminded me how much I need to reconnect with it myself.

Have a fantastic, relaxing time and I hope you see many wonderful things to photograph - which I’m sure you will! All the very best 🤗

Summer Rose · ‎03-02-2023

Hi Sej

Awesome to hear you are having a good time and feeling relaxed. Enjoy!

Kind thoughts to you

Sej · ‎04-02-2023

My mood was dropping on the Spirit of Tasmania.Looking overboard was hard, I kept thinking that it was such a quick way to go.But I got through it.

I felt the wind on my skin. It was cold and thick.

I felt the sea breeze on my face. It was cool and surprising

I heard the boat hitting the waves. It sounded relaxing, rhythmic and calming

I saw the people walking. They were swaying, losing balance, but everyone had a smile. Everyone was laughing at themselves.

I smelt the food on board. It was a mixture of scents, but I wasn't really feeling like eating.

I noticed the curiosity of my brain, wondering where each stairwell or aisle went to.

The excitement of being in the middle of the ocean.

I thought about my original ideas, and they were still there, but felt like I was able to lock them up. I gave myself power by not dwelling on my thoughts.

Summer Rose · ‎04-02-2023

Hi Sej

So proud of you! You really are an inspiration💜

Kind thoughts to you

Ggrand · ‎04-02-2023

Hello Dear Sej,

Well done sweet Sej, you just described a beautiful scene full of you being so mindful of all your surroundings…which by you sharing has given so many community members hope that, like you just did…..that we can direct our unhealthy and depressive thoughts onto the beauty that surrounds us…

Thank you so much for sharing..

I really do hope that the rest of your voyage and trip goes very well for you and you find lots of peaceful and happy times…..

Sending you my love, care and some warm gentle hugs..

Grandy…

Sej · ‎05-02-2023

My holiday is going well. I am a little worried about going back on the Spirit of Tasmania as it will be a night time cruise. It will make thoughts easier and harder to control. I have an appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow and I will talk to her about it. There won't be much to see or hear for mindfulness to work.

Today has been a mixed emotion day. I just don't want negative thoughts, but I do. I have to keep reminding myself that I am only 6 months into therapy, and it will take time.

I really enjoy reading the responses. It gives me the push that I need. The anonymous friendships from the forum are a great support. Thank you to each of you.