Years of childhood abuse

[Sej]

Hi, This is my 1st time posting. I have been through years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse when I was a child. It started when I was 6. I buried everything as much as I could when I became an adult. I didn't want people to worry, and I couldn't cope with it. I put myself in a horrible workplace. and I struggled and became suicidal. I knew I needed help and started seeing a Psychologist. I have been seeing her since July. I recently did the ptsd test and got 64 points. It was a good yet terrifying feeling. My thoughts and emotions weren't made up. I am seeing my Psychologist twice a week as I am having repressed memories come back and recurring nightmares. I struggle with trust and I am so scared that my Psychologist won't want to see me anymore. She has made it abundantly clear she is there for me, but I can't help it. I am still trying to process the past, the future, the therapy. My head is like a tornado, just filled with insults, abuse, hate towards myself, memories and pain. Will this stop?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

I know the experience of getting knocked “off the track”. It’s tough but try to keep it in perspective, a set back that is unfortunately common to healing.

Your plan to deal with this type of event and preparing for the Christmas break is excellent. And remember the bb support line is staffed with counsellors 24/7 and we are here too.

You are doing great and you will get through this. I realise you may already know this, but please try to remember the disgust is not yours. It never was and it will never be.

Kind thoughts to you

[smallwolf]

hello,

please note I am not trying to tell you what to do ....it's ok to come here a type away and write your thoughts or look in the social section of the forums. I hope you don't feel as though you only need to come to the forums when things are bad. Or did you mean talking to people from beyond blue? Guess what I am trying to say is that we are all here for you (and each other). 

[Sej]

I meant from chatting (Web chat as I am still getting over major trust issues) to the bb counsellors. I went on the forum and read stories / learnt other coping strategies from other people. But, I didn't feel like I needed counselling by bb. I am trying to stop myself from doing the web chat as often as I was. If I can go one week without it, it is great for me. 

The forum has been a wealth of information and support. I read a lot of it. To read how far people have come inspires me to keep pushing on. To see people fall like I do, makes me feel like I'm not alone. I am so glad this forum exists.  

The trust issues have absolutely nothing to do with the counsellors on Bb. It has to do with a Psychologist I saw 4 years ago, who basically told me to suck it up, whilst I was having a breakdown in her office over work placebullying.  She said "that is what it is like working there, here is a pamphlet on how to deal with stress " She made me lose all my trust.  My Psychologist now has worked so hard to rebuild that, and I still struggle talking with her. I find emailing better. In saying that,  on Monday I will be attempting to tell her my most recent memory that came back verbally,  not via email.  It is going to be hard. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Sej,

I am so sorry you went through abuse as a child, I also survived sexual, physical, emotional abuse as a child and also in my marriage….I held everything inside while the abuse continued, then when my husband of 38 years passed away, it wasn’t long until I had breakdowns, ended up in hospital and diagnosed with PTSD along with a few other mental illnesses…..

I can relate to your post of diving down quickly to the depth of depression with a PTSD trigger….(forgotten memory)…they are really hard to get back from…my heart goes out to you dear Sej….It’s important to try hard to distract those triggered memories as quick as we can…I know it’s hard to do, I struggle so hard at times to do that when I get pushed down into really bad lows…the memories and feelings are so real….it’s like it’s happening all over again….I try to tell myself I’m safe now…no one can hurt anymore…. but my damaged soul doesn’t….I try hard to distract those thoughts and feelings by listening to music, listening to a sleep story…anything to divert my thoughts away from being triggered back it time…

Sej, you are a survivor of childhood abuse, a beautiful person with a lovely soul…please try to be kind to yourself, being gentle, kind and caring to ourselves is a big step forward…in our mental health….our soul has been damaged by hurtful mean abusers but no way is our soul broken…we need to nourish it by being kind to ourselves….

You are not alone dear Sej, here is a wonderful and an amazing place, that’s helped me and so many other people….so very much…The forums are full of kind and caring community members…..you are also inspiring others to keep moving forward….

I am so happy for you, that your psychologist cares about you…good luck on Monday…you can do this dear Sej….I believe in you..

Thinking of you with kindness and care…

Grandy….

[Sej]

Does anyone else feel like they are just going through the motions of life. You know you should laugh, and you do, you should interact, and you do, but the real you is almost a 3rd party. This is how I have been feeling. My in laws arrived today, and I love them to death, and I should be excited, but I can't feel that way. My daughters 17th birthday is tomorrow, and I couldn't even get enthusiastic about purchasing gifts and made myself do it. Christmas is coming, and meh, not fussed. 

It is like I am existing in this life, like a robot, programmed to do the right emotion but feel blank inside.

I hope this makes sense. 
 

On a different topic,  I froze the other day. I heard someone breathe and talk exactly like my grandfather.  I wanted to run, get to safety,  but froze.  He was the one who abused me. He is dead, but this made me feel like I was back in time.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

I’m really sorry you were triggered  to remember your abuser. That must have been really difficult for you. I can only imagine how overwhelming the fear would have been. Hugs to you.
I can relate to feeling that you are just going through the motions of life. It’s not a great feeling, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

I don’t know if Christmas is playing a role in this for you, but for many people it’s a stressor. In any event, it’s a time for you to take extra good care of yourself with all that you’re experiencing.

Making sure you get plenty of rest, eating well and exercising (walking in nature helps me) might be helpful. Hang in there.

Kind thoughts to you

[Sej]

Thank you Summer Rose for your reply. Christmas is a bit of a trigger. I feel like I have to talk to my mother that day. Add to that, it is my birthday today, so she will call up and do the false happy birthday. 

I have been thinking of the positives this year today. I didn't follow through on my horrible thoughts. I got out of a job where it was toxic and full of bullying. I am trusting psychologists now, and that has lead me to trust bb.  

I have the support of the forum now. I don't feel so alone as I am now reading about people who have gone through similar to me.

I am determined to not let this emptiness ruin today for my family. They have worked hard to make it special for me.

My workmates shouted me a coffee and we had morning tea. I love my job now. Why I didn't leave my toxic workplace earlier I will never know!!.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. I have cried over the responses,  and they are helping me to fight. You are all amazing.  The bb counsellors are very kind and helpful.  I think I have been bugging them a lot this last few weeks (thank you for not making me feel bad for contacting).

Today is going to be all about positivity now 🙂 .

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sej

Happy birthday!

I think it’s a real testament to your strength and character that you have been able to focus on all your positives of this year, despite your low mood and challenges. You can add that to your impressive list of achievements!

I really hope that you and your family had an awesome day. But, even if it wasn’t exactly as you hoped, it’s okay. Remember the positives, you have a family, they love you and everyone tried their best.

Same goes for Christmas. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, just do your best. No one can do more than that.

Kind thoughts to you

[Sej]

It has been a while since I updated. I thought I was on the road to recovery and looking forward to the new year. New years day everything went crap. Since then, all this has happened:

-I disowned a family member for something horrible. It has triggered so many memories. 

- I found out my mother lied at my child abuse court case, which I was led to believe I lost the case. Another family member I am looking at disowning.

- We had to put our cat down last monday due to kidney damage.

- I got covid last monday and have been off work since. 

My therapist wants me to work on validating myself.  It has caused an internal war. My brain is saying you deserved everything stop this validating crap.

2023 stinks so far. We are going on holidays at the end of this week (no longer contagious), and I can't get remotely excited. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sej

I’m so sorry for the things that have happened this year so far. It’s no wonder you are feeling low.

It would have been an upsetting shock to find out about the court case. I really feel for you. Deciding to separate from certain family members can bring up a lot of grief, even though you are making such a decision in your own best interests. It’s not easy emotionally and I really empathise.

 I think I may understand about what you mean about an internal war in relation to self-validation (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong). I think those of us who experienced abuse, especially in childhood, internalised the idea we deserved it. We had to try to believe the adults responsible to us weren’t completely wrong and somehow it felt safer to take the blame ourselves, if that makes any sense? And then we grow up with the shame of thinking we deserve bad stuff happening to us, even if our rational brain knows otherwise. So being encouraged to self-validate can actually feel uncomfortable and bring parts of ourselves into conflict.

 I think it’s important to be really gentle with yourself given all you been through and are continuing to process. Perhaps you could bring up the discomfort with self-validation with the psychologist who sounds very kind and supportive. I think gradually in time you begin to grow the part of yourself that loves yourself unconditionally and knows you never deserved what happened to you in the past.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your cat too. Animals can be such healing and special companions for us and so it’s really tough when they go. I hope that although you aren’t excited about the holiday it might be an opportunity to find some rest and time to be really kind and gentle to yourself and recover a bit from 2023 so far. Take care and post whenever you feel the need to.