Worried my feelings are destroying my life

[Slipperyfish]

So. Here’s the thing. I have been through a lot. Especially the past 4 years. Assaults, miscarriages, new jobs, failed friendships, I’ve had it all. But the past 6 weeks have been particularly hard. I reported my assault to the police and from there it’s been a whirlwind of emotions. I cry all the time. At everything. I’m on this rollercoaster where I’m up and then I’m down. I started a new job in June and I really loved it. Throughout the reporting process to the police my bosses have been great. They have been by my side whilst I emotionally try to make it through each day. But now it’s different. Now I feel like they see me as broken goods that can’t be fixed. And that’s how I feel. I feel like this is another good moment in my life that my past trauma and all my feelings are yet again ruining for me. The stage 4 restrictions in Victoria haven’t helped. I mean I know they need to be happening, but it’s made everything worse. Work has been my happy place, but now our hours are less and I’m more confined to my house. Then of top of all this I fell over at work and injured my ankle and my knee and now I don’t even know when I’ll be back.
I have started to dive into some parts work at therapy which is also another stress. But I know it needs to be done. And hopefully it works. But right now all I want to do is shove all of my feelings back inside and just fade away. Maybe it’s better for everyone. Who knows. My housemate informed me on Friday night that I’m too emotional, I make others around me sad, she thinks I’m autistic and should get tested for that because then at least there would be a reason I’m the way I am. And the worst part. She knows of everything I’ve been through. She knows I’ve got PTSD. She knows I don’t sleep well and she knows I’m in therapy. But honestly maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe this is yet another situation I am in where I am too much for my support network. My network is disappearing. And maybe I deserve to be left behind. I don’t know anymore. I just know I’m sad and tired and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going on like this. Because I don’t want to keep upsetting people, and I don’t want to keep dumping my life on people. Because when I dump on people I let myself feel loved, and then it all comes crashing down, and I don’t think I can do it anymore.

[ecomama]

Oh dear Slipperyfish, what a situation!

No wonder you're feeling all that you're feeling!

Some friends are "fair weather" friends - they only want to be in a friendship for the happy high times. But the tables soon turn when THEY are in need of support...

You're doing your best with difficult things.

Have you spoken to the Police Social Worker? I found mine the most amazing support.
She also helped link me in with other 'community' supports.
I found the Breaking Free Course offered via Women's Health Centres invaluable.

Your physical injuries need to be sorted, so I hope you're getting some headway?

The "training" I'd ask my psych for in your situation is to help me 'compartmentalise'.
Hopefully your psych is skilled in PTSD / trauma and can help you begin to diffuse the emotional attachment to the traumatic events via exposure therapy, CBT and / or EMDR.

It's really important to get specialised support for the PTSD so that this doesn't reign over your life until life becomes unmanageable.

There should be financial support available for your therapies due to you reporting to Police.
This may be available to you via Victim's Services in your state or territory.

Please come back and let us know how you're going.

Love EM

[Slipperyfish]

Hey EM

thanks for the quick response. Makes me realize there are good people out there. I did actually have an appointment with a lawyer 2 weeks ago and am in the process of trying to claim some funding for therapy through victims of crime. I’m actually going to follow up with them tomorrow to see what’s happening there. I was using free counseling they have here in Victoria, through ecasa. Once I finished all my sessions there I found my current counselor and she’s amazing. I’ve achieved more with her in the past 2 months then I did through ecasa over 18 months. I’ve used all my mental health care plan sessions and am actually paying the full fee to see her and tbh if it hadn’t of been for her the past 6 weeks would have been a billion times worse.

yes the physical injuries I’m getting looked at. I’ve got a tear in my left ankle and I’ve got a grade 2 sprain in my PCL (the back of my knee) in my right knee. I’m actually trying to work out what’s happening with work cover because the injuries happened there so I should be getting paid for missing work - because I’m off for at least another 2 weeks- and they should be paying my medical bills. The mri I had done on Thursday was $220 along plus the physio sessions. But that’s another stress because I already feel like work is hating on me, this just creates more drama.

and yep, we have begun EMDR. But I am the master of avoidance. I’m very good at changing the subject ha. But she’s onto me now so hopefully things keep moving forward.