Is it abuse? Alcoholic boyfriend. Confused

[Hotpink]

My partner of 10 years (on and off, mostly on) is an alcoholic, every time he gets drunk he finds something to yell at, whether it be my past, how I was promiscuous as a teen, or how I'm a terrible mother that is doing it all wrong with our 18month old daughter, I had left him for nearly a month and told him to sort himself out, when I went back he was really good but when he gets drunk its on again, if I argue back he gets in my face which scares me (having come from a previous abusive relationship),most of the time I'm too scared to give an opinion in case he doesn't like it, I've lost the ability to make choices on my own. I love him but I dont think its right for our daughter to grow up thinking this is ok. If I leave he'll tell her how I'm a terrible person etc he might even try to go for custody, I'm on a disability pension for Crohn's disease and I'm not the best housekeeper. I dont know what to do. Please help.

[geoff]

Hello Hotpink, and a warm welcome.

You and your 18 month old daughter are your prime concern, so safety is very important.

I used to run hotels and people who couldn't handle the alcohol were discouraged from not drinking, I'm not saying that this should happen to your partner, because it's only up to the person to make that decision, otherwise it won't work.

When a person leaves a relationship due to various circumstances, promises are made that everything will improve and not happen again, unfortunately, it does on many occasions, making it awkward and not safe.

You deserve someone who thinks you’re wonderful, loves and respects you because no one can possibly be perfect and if they do, then something isn't right.

If you separate, that doesn't mean the love you have for him will stop, you can love someone and not be with them, and I can't tell you what to do but can suggest that this isn't the scenario for both you and your daughter to develop.

I'd really like to hear back from you so this can continue and with other people joining in.

Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Hotpink, thanks for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums. We know it is so diffiuclt to open up about instances of abuse and we can see it has taken courage for you to tell us this today. From what you are saying, it sounds like you are experiencing domestic violence. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation who just want to be happy on their own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

We are concerned about your safety. Has your partner ever threatend to hurt you or your children? If you feel unsafe, please call the police on 000. There are also agencies that can provide emergency accommodation and can help you if needed. More information can be found here: https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/subjects/family-and-domestic-violence or https://www.respect.gov.au/services/ There is also information on the 1800respect website on how you can plan to keep you and your children safe: https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-planning/ You might also find some ideas in reading the stories of others. Some threads you might be interested in reading include:

"Moving on after leaving emotionally abusive relationship" -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotionally-abusive-relationship

"Trying to end an abusive relationship"
https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/trying-to-end-an-abusive-relationship

"Reset button"
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/reset-button#qwRpXHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 

[Guest_9264]

Hi hot pink

this sounds all too familiar to me. You need to do what’s best for you and your child.

nobody is perfect but everybody deserves to be happy. I wish I hadn’t seen my parents fist fights I remember holding my brothers and crying while the house was getting smashed up due to alcohol.

it scared me severely and I don’t want that for your child.

please don’t stop until you get help.