Working through Trauma - feel overwhelmed

[Megs14]

Hi

I am working really hard on overcoming my childhood traumas ( emotional abuse and narcissist parents ) I push my boundaries every week with the support of my therapist, dr and Chinese medicine practitioner so I have great support. I recently decided with advice from my psychologist to approach my sister about an incident in our childhood that has always made me feel ashamed and guilty. I did this and it wasn’t as big of a deal to her as I thought. However i felt brushed aside, gaslighted, ( unintentionally on her part - she’s the golden child I’m the scapegoat) and it’s really effected me negatively. I feel incredibly anxious, I’m overthinking everything, worried I’ve done something worse to her and I’ve forgotten, not sleeping well and barely eating. Now she’s given no indication of this it’s all my own doing. It’s a pattern I have of pushing myself then exhausting myself then questioning and finally defeat. She said she needed some space so I think by opening up to her ( maybe too much at once ) I’ve made her uncomfortable. I feel overwhelmed and think I’ve re-traumatised myself through this process. It’s hard because I want to work on our relationship and we used to be close when we were younger however she’s very much like my father ( narcissist ) and although she’s understanding she doesn’t have the same feelings I do about our childhood and it is almost as though she doesn’t want to remember. I carry a lot of guilt and shame around because of the abuse. Now this waiting to hear from her I feel like I’m in trouble and that something bad is going to happen. I struggle with anticipation anxiety and am terrible with confrontation. This all feels like it’s too much. I’m just wanting some kind words of encouragement. I feel like I can’t open up to get again and I know if I push it she’s going yo just close down like she has done previously. I know I’m the only one to get myself out of this vicious cycle as I put myself here but it feels never ending at the moment. I work and am also a wife and mother so I can’t blame it on being lonely or bored. Anyone else get this overwhelmed?

[Beeee]

Hello Megs14,

I'm sorry you've been feeling overwhelmed and you're definitely not alone. I'm also not someone who often opens up or speaks my mind and if I ever do, like you I fall into a cycle of overthinking.

If your sister has mentioned she needs some space then I think it's best to just give her the time she needs. It's amazing that you have been facing your trauma head-on. It's absolutely not an easy thing to do and you have a lot of support, but perhaps your sister doesn't have as much support as you do. Maybe you can ask your therapist or doctor for some advice on how to break the cycle of overthinking or how you can help you sister feel more supported as you revisit past traumas.

When it comes to your constant feeling of anxiety, what are some strategies that have helped you overcome anxiety in the past? Have you tried meditation or guided breathing exercises?

I think you should be proud of the progress you have made and I'm sure you will continue making such progress in the future.

Beeee

[Fiatlux]

Hi Megs14,

Hi and hope you are well.

Yes, working through childhood trauma is overwhelming. But you didn’t put yourself ‘here’.

I am the middle child of 4. We were all abused by a often verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive father and an emotionally, verbally abusive narcissistic mother. But each of us 4 siblings feel differently about our parents abusive behaviour towards us.

My older sister once confided in me about being sexually abused by a male relative. Something that she now denies ever telling me.

My mother also confirmed that my sister when she was 14, had confided in her and my father was informed about the sexual abuse. Something that my mother later denied ever telling me. All I know is that we moved house and had nothing to do with that male relative ever again.

I confronted both my parents about the abuse after my own children were born. They sat there silently and didn’t confirm or deny anything.

I think that they were all upset that I was brave enough to bring it out into the open. I broke that vicious cycle for my children.

Good luck.

[violet222]

Hey Megs14,

I understand your struggle. I was taught by your parents to always mask my true feelings and to willingly violate my own boundaries for other peoples' emotional convenience, and now as an adult I find it really hard to "own" how I feel and speak my mind to others.

First of all, you should be really proud of yourself. It sounds like you're carrying a lot right now and opening up about your trauma can be really difficult (especially with family), so please be gentle and patient with yourself.

I have a very similar situation/dynamic with my brother. I love him, but he has unknowingly contributed to my struggle a lot by making me question my reality/memory and making me believe that I was the cause of my parents' abuse because of how I reacted to it. Having your trauma invalidated by someone who was there and was supposed to have lived through that situation with you can feel really awful and demoralising. At the end of the day, you know I think my brother just isn't ready to face the harsh reality of what happened -- and maybe it's the same with your sister. Know that another person's inability or unwillingness to empathise with and understand you is not a fault of yours. It simply reflects where that person is at on their emotional journey. Don't lose sight of how far you've come on your own journey. Keep up the good work and take good care of yourself -- maybe try some gentle self care today.

Sending so much love.

❤️

violet222

[Megs14]

My sister is a very private person and I wouldn’t even know if she’s in therapy or not. If she was she wouldn’t tell me about it. She kind of lives in her own little world and I feel because I’ve approached the trauma subject with her it’s caused her to withdraw from me a bit which I totally understand if she’s not ready to face the past and heal just yet. It’s a shame but it’s her life and I can’t control how she thinks or feels. She also lives overseas so talking over messenger isn’t the same as in person. She’s never been a sharer always quietly contemplating in her own mind. I don’t bring up past hurts with her for this exact reason fear of losing her ( again ). We lost our mother early in our lives and our father tried everything to seperate us as sisters but he’s since admitted that it was the worst thing he’s ever done so that’s something I guess!

I practice a LOT of self care including meditation, mindfulness, breathing techniques and visualisation. I do Pilates and also have a family dog who is almost like another form of support and comfort.
I will admit I am a negative thinker about myself and the overthinking is a killer but this specific episode has been made harder because I was seeking validation from someone who clearly isn’t ready and may never be. I guess it’s a lesson learned - go slow and don’t seek help from anyone unless they are a trusted confidant or therapist. I may be able to revisit it at some stage but it’s not worth losing sleep over anymore.

Thank you for the kind words, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one feeling like this. I feel proud of myself for all the hard work I’ve put in and your reply’s have solidified that in a way.

It’s hard for me to take compliments because of the trauma I went through but I hear it so often from those close to me I’ve got to start believing it.

[IwishIwasCharlie]

Hi Megs14 - thank you for sharing.

I myself have an extremely similar dynamic with my sister (she is the scapegoat and I was the golden child). Something that particularly stuck out to me is that you said it is like she doesn't want to remember. I myself have massive gaps in my memory, whilst my sister doesn't have as many. In a weird way, I think it is the coping strategies and the roles that we were led to adopt that ultimately caused us to have this big disconnect. You have to think, how can a narcissist control people if there is a chance they will build up an alliance against them?

So, what I am trying to say is that the coping strategies we used to cope were different and led us to feel alienated from each other and remember things differently. I experienced very similar things to my sister (as I am sure is the case with you and your sister) - just I used the freeze response whilst she used the fight/flight. These strategies both protected us in different ways as I was able to check out mentally when something horrible happened (and therefore don't remember it now), and she would fight her way out of the situation or come up with a behaviour that would allow her to leave. In both cases, we were able to escape the situation.

Give your sister time - she may genuinely not remember the full extent of the stuff that you are remembering as this coping strategy may be what has allowed her to get to where she is today - I still don't remember most things. All you can do is be there for each other and understand that you are different people who both went through horrible experiences and that it led the two of you to come out as very different people, but still people who love each other.

Sending positive vibes your way!