Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[ecomama]

Dear Emo

I'm super proud of you for staying out and away from that abuser.
Also super proud of you for talking with police.

Did you have a Police Social Worker assigned to you?

When you get under a safe roof and after alot of sleep too... you can talk with a Centrelink Social Worker about payments.
Maybe the Shelter personnel can help you get a new Bank Account for Centrelink Payments to go into?

Most other stuff can wait for now.
As monkey said "baby steps".
ANY steps forward are positive.

Btw you never have to worry about letting us down, the most important person you haven't let down is yourself. Well done.

Love EM

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I'm so grateful to everyone for their support and encouragement. Today was the worst day I've had in a while. I won't go into much detail as it was extremely horrific. I was found by my husband who tracked me down. I had to go with him as he threatened to hurt me very badly if I didn't.

I was so scared that he was still around that I hid in a bush for about two hours. I was so sore but I knew who I needed to find which is the police. I'm so embarrassed as I must have looked awful but I trusted that they would help me.

I'm still at the police station now as I begged them to let me stay as they've been unable to find me accommodation. I'm scared of being on the streets by myself. I just want to feel safe again. I'm so tired and sore.

The police are letting me rest right now as I'm too emotional to talk about it. I'm sharing it here as I can do it in the safe knowledge that no one knows who I am as I'm so embarrassed that I couldn't fight back. I'm so sorry, I'm in a really bad way right now.

I just want to know how I can keep myself safe when I'm in the same town as my abuser? He seems to find me wherever I go. I'm just so sad. Is there any way out for me?

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

We're so sorry to hear of the day you've had, we can only imagine how distressing this experience must have been for you. You've shown so much courage and strength in reaching out to the police, and we are so pleased to hear that you are in their safety at the moment, and that they are helping you find accommodation. We'd encourage you to keep working with the police, and continue reaching out to 1800RESPECT when you are able to, to help you keep safe and work towards the next steps to help you through this difficult time. You're an incredibly strong person who deserves a life free from this abuse and fear. We're all here for you Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you so much for replying to me with such kind words. I've been lying on the floor here in the police station crying as I've tried so hard to keep going and to get out my abusive marriage but I've failed again.

I'm so mad at myself for breaking down and crying but I'm just broken. It just makes me question why I keep trying to leave him. My husband finds me wherever I go. Nowhere is safe. Even the police can't keep me safe. I'm just in so much pain now.

I just question why I bother trying to leave him as he still hurts me whatever I do to try to get to safety. The police officers are concerned about my health right now as the pain is getting worse.

They want to take me to the hospital but I'm terrified he will find me there so I'm trying to fight going but I have to admit the pain is very bad.

The police have told me they can protect me so I have to trust them. Its just scary and very hard to rely on someone else for my safety.

I need to just do what the police suggest as I know they want what's best for me. I've come a long way from being terrified of them after a previous encounter to trusting them with my life.

I hope I'm safe in hospital, I know I need to get some treatment so I just have to give in.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to update everyone. I've had a pretty emotional 24 hours but I feel like I've come out the other end with more hope than I've had for a long time. I'm in hospital after the police voiced their concern for me as the pain had gotten considerably worse. I won't go into details but there was some internal damage that I hadn't realised I had.

The police have done a good job of keeping me safe as my husband came to the hospital to see me and he was turned away. Apparently he was pretty violent but he eventually left the hospital when they threatened to arrest him. I still don't know how he knew I was there as I was admitted into the hospital under an alias. That's what scares me the most is that he seems to find me no matter where I am.

I'm not sure where I will go when I get out of the hospital. I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle against leaving my husband. It's so hard, I'm just too tired to fight him anymore. I'm hoping to get some sleep in hospital. I'm having to be monitored every 30 minutes due to my injuries so I'm woken up every 30 minutes even if I'm sleeping as they need me to be awake to check my injuries.

I've also had so many blood tests that I feel like a pin cushion. They are so kind here at the hospital, I'm very lucky that they seem to care about me. I'm not sure if they know the full story but I've decided that even though I'm so ashamed of the abuse and people knowing I have to be completely open with others as I didn't ask to be abused. I don't deserve to be abused do I?

It's so hard to cope with the constant threat of my husband finding me. Does anyone know how you cope with that feeling day in and day out? I asked the police to arrest me while I was at the police station as I feel that is the only way I can be safe. I'm trying to be strong but some moments I feel like such a failure.

Thank you everyone for your concern and your kind support. I know it's not easy to put up with me but the kind comments are what keeps me trying to stay away from my husband. It's a long process and some days I feel like I'm taking more steps backwards than forwards but I'm trying.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

Thank you for letting us know how you are. We're really sorry you're in so much pain and we can imagine it would've been very distressing to learn your husband came to the hospital to try and get in contact with you. We are very glad the police and hospital staff are supporting you and are on your side (as they should be). Once again, you are very brave to continue reaching out for help despite all obstacles and hardship. Please continue to work closely with the police and let them know about any concerns you have for your safety. We really hope you'll manage to get some sleep tonight.

We are here for you Emo. Please continue to update us whenever you feel up to it.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

Is your husband tracking your phone? That's one way of knowing where you are.

I'm glad you have the police and hospital staff helping you.

Hopefully they can find you another place of safety and you won't have to go through any more violence.

By now you must know that you can't trust your husband under any circumstance. He is a dispicable human being.

I hope you recover well and then find some safety.

Best wishes,
🐒

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Don't be alarmed, but it is likely your husband would have been notified as part of further inquires to corroborate your account and hear his version of what's transpired. This is fair to all concerned (by dismissing vexatious claims) and informing your hospitalisation is also a necessary duty of disclosure.

But you are now under the protection of the police/hospital and your husband has been warned of the consequences for non compliance. His violent outburst at the hospital will only support your story and give you greater peace of mind now that he is on the 'watch list'. Your obligation in return is to be completely upfront and forthcoming to ensure transparency in your case so you can receive the support you seek.

Wanting yourself arrested sounds pretty desperate (and falsely blaming yourself is unhealthy) but I like your pragmatism. Instead, hold onto more positive thoughts that you will be safe one day in your own home as justice prevails. Essentially, it is up to your husband to modify his conduct around you at least so you can be able to communicate in a productive manner free from intimidation and oppression.

Although it may feel like a backward step, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs and things are moving ever forward for you. Remember, your husband's unrelenting abuse has forced your hand - it is very much of his own making and a little more self restraint from him could have averted escalation in the first instance.

Stay the course, Emo, you are making headway.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M and others,

I'm so sorry for bothering anyone but I'm not that great right now. Its been a very bad day with my husband being told he can come and visit me in hospital. He came and I immediately started to panic, I'm still shaking now.

I found out that my husband was mistakenly called as my injuries were getting worse and they thought he should be notified. I don't blame them as I'm sure they were only thinking that I needed support

I'm just so tired of fighting him any more. Its just a really bad day. I'm so sorry that I haven't replied to any other posts from the lovely community. I'm really trying but I'm just in so much pain. I'm so sorry.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

Thanks for posting here. We are really sorry the hospital called your husband about your injuries. This is completely wrong if they were aware of the fact that he'd caused your injuries. Have you told the police about this? We are sorry you are in so much pain and stress at the moment. We have sent you an email to provide additional support.

You can also call 1800RESPECT or our Support Service (1300 22 4636) any time. And if you are ever in immediate danger, this is an emergency and you must let emergency services know immediately.

We strongly urge you to keep in contact with police and to let them know what has happened today. Your caseworker will also need to know and work with you to ensure the hospital is not calling your husband and that he's not allowed near you.

Stay strong Emo, you deserve a life of kindness and safety.