Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Emo..

I am so pleased that someone called the ambulance for you, and your meds have been worked out so you can continue on them to complete there course...

Sweet dear lady, you don’t deserve any abuse what so ever..you do matter to us...so very much..Please try to believe that we care a great deal for you.....and it will warm our hearts when you are safe from your husband....but sad that you are living in the streets....Please lovely Emo..stay safe...I am so proud of you trying so hard to get away from your husband...

I hope those organisations hurry up and find somewhere for you to live...some safe accommodation...I would offer you a refuge in my home..if I knew where you lived...

You are doing a really good, but extremely hard job, trying as hard as you can....Please try hard to not give up trying..you matter, your important and we want you to be safe from any abuse...You deserve it...no matter what your thinking...He has made you think this way...

Please Dear Emo...Don’t be sorry about answering separately...We understand the turmoil your going through at the moment....Keep reaching out here and any organisation that you can.....We will never leave you sweetheart...and will always be here to talk to and support you when we can....

If it’s okay I would love to give you a comforting hug 🤗...Not the same as a real one...None the less it comes from my heart to your beautiful soul...

Please look after you the best you can...keep using your voice..and hopefully very soon you will be placed into safe accommodation...

My kindest and most caring wishes for you lovely Emo..

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Emmen,

Thank you for reaching out to me. Thankfully a kind stranger called for help for me as you will see by my last post. Unfortunately I don't have a phone as my husband has all of my belongings which includes my car. I'm so grateful for everyone's help and suggestions as I draw strength from the kind words of community members.

I'm trying to stay strong and reach out for help when I need it, even when I think I don't deserve to be safe or cared for, when I think I deserve the abuse. Sometimes I feel like I deserved every time I was abused to the point of hospitalisation. I've been told for years by my husband that I should be grateful that he would even touch me. The feeling of hatred I have for myself due to what I have been told by my husband causes me such inner turmoil. I try to tell myself that I'm not a loser and that I'm not as disgusting as my husband says but it's so hard to overcome years of abuse. I'm trying to fight the feelings I have. I'm really trying.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your encouraging words and great advice. I appreciate all of the great advice that I've been given by all of the community members. I'm so glad that you can see that I'm really doing my best to put one foot in front of the other. I'm feeling a bit better now medically as the medication is starting to really help with the infection and the pain tablets are helping to take the edge off the pain. I'm really trying to get myself well before I push for starting all over again.

You're right about my car as it is registered in my name and the insurance is in my name. That's actually made me panic as I realise that my registration is due in the next month I believe. How am I going to pay for it and all of my bills? I have moments like this all the time where I start to wonder how I will ever work out how to start again. I've now worked out that I need to take a deep breath and just focus on one step at a time. My next focus is on sorting out an income. I know I need to get a job very soon as I need to start making money to support myself. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to start a new job yet as I feel like I need to take a break to recover emotionally and physically before I start over. I'm not sure if that is allowed by Centrelink or not. I'm trying to get things sorted with them but I need to talk to them over the phone and as I don't have a phone it's made it almost impossible to get it set up. I wish I could get a phone as its making my life a lot harder. I guess I'm best without a phone as I can't afford one any way. I'm also very concerned that I might try to reach out to my husband via phone when I'm extremely vulnerable. I guess I need to protect myself from reaching out to him as I don't want the cycle of abuse to start again. Sometimes it's so hard to fight against the feelings I have for my husband. I should hate him but sometimes I feel so grateful for him marrying me. It twists my mind. I want to move on but I'm constantly getting pulled back into the web of abuse. I am trying to work through my issues and feelings but it is really hard.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. We just want to say again how amazingly brave you are for looking after yourself and focusing on thoughts that persuade you to keep yourself safe and away from abuse. It is a very challenging situation you are in and the way you are facing it is shows how much strength you have. It makes sense that you are struggling with difficult thoughts as they have been there for so long and we are sorry it is causing you distress. Please know that you are supported here and we are here for you.

As others have mentioned, if you can get hold of public phones or getting phone access from a shop or similar, you can try Centrelink from there. Otherwise you could try contacting Centrelink in person as well. A Centrelink Social Worker will be able to work with you and once they have an understanding of your situation, they will be able to provide resources and solutions.

Please hang in there Emo. You are being so brave and doing so well. Please continue to look after yourself. You have already made amazing progress and will continue to do so. We are all here for you and on your side.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you so much for your kind words. When I read such lovely comments like yours it makes me really miss my Dad as he'd say lovely things like you're saying. His actions sometimes spoke louder than his words, you always knew he loved you and that he had your back for life, I really miss him. I wish I'd told him about the abuse while he was alive but I didn't want him to think any less of me or to worry about me. I guess it was also the shame attached to being abused by my husband. He liked my husband so I didn't want him to be disappointed by him. I didn't want to be seen as a failure in my dads eyes. I'm sorry I'm going on about my dad, I just really miss him so much right now. I wish I could visit him at the cemetery but it's so many kilometres away so I can't really walk it, especially in the pain I'm in. Thankfully the pains better with medication.

Your comments made me realise now my dad's gone my mothers the last parent I have, maybe I should forgive her nasty hurtful ways. I've realised my mothers been verbally abusing me my whole life. Rarely has it been physical but the verbal abuse tends to hurt more as the scars from that last a lifetime. My mothers unwillingness to help me when I told her about the abuse broke me. I know marriage is supposed to be hard, you have to let your husband be boss and put up with a lot of things. She told me to put up with it as its part of marriage. It's like I felt she doesn't care about me or love me any more. I'm not sure what I should do in regards to my mother, maybe I should just accept that what she says is true, I don't know? I do know I appreciate your kind offer of suggesting I could stay with you, if only I lived near you. I also wish I could pop in for one of your hugs as I could certainly do with one. I feel so lonely.

I'm trying to stay strong with everything but it does bring you down. I've stopped hoping to hear about some accommodation as the hope of that is making me sad. I need to get used to living on the streets, it's not so bad as the nights are luckily warmer than when I was living in my car. I just have to watch out for guys who find you and think that they can do things to you just because you're a female. After the first assault I had from the guy mentioned in an earlier post I've learned to sleep with one eye open, it can be dangerous on the streets if you're as naive as I was in the beginning.

I'd better go and get some sleep. I'll try to reach out tomorrow.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for your kind words and your continued support. Whenever I'm able to borrow a device and log into the Beyond Blue website and see the kind messages from yourself and other kind community members it gives me strength. I don't feel so alone as I feel like if I fall I just need to reach out to my friends here in the community and they will try to pick me up. I never once take anyone's help for granted. I'm so incredibly fortunate to have anyone who cares about me. My husband had cut me off from everyone as he was worried about losing control of me I believe. It's tough when you have no one to talk to or to be able to discuss your problems with.

I'm so lucky as everyone has been so kind to me and they've also given me tough love when I've needed it as the years of abuse really cause some permanent damage. I appreciate your suggestion about the public phones but as I don't have any money at all I can't use them. I also have tried Centrelink, I was reluctant at first as I've been trying to wash and wear my clothes by hand and I haven't been able to wash myself except for splashing some water on myself since I became homeless. I was so embarrassed by how I looked but I had no choice, I was desperate. They said due to Covid it all has to be done over the phone, there's no other choice. I tried to explain to her that I've had to flee domestic violence and I don't have a phone or any money but she just said there's nothing she can do.

I'm not sure what my next step will be but I'll update everyone when I can. I'd better get back to my hiding space for the night. Hopefully nothing happens tonight and I get a few hours sleep. I'm out of food but I remember seeing an article about dumpster diving so I'm hoping to see if any supermarkets are throwing out food tomorrow night so I can get something. It's harder as I can't cook anything but fingers crossed. I'd better go. Again thank you for listening to me and for caring. You have no idea what yourself and other members have done for me. I will always be grateful for the ongoing support. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[ecomama]

We're all here for you Emo.

You have alot of emotional and psychological recovery to go through and this takes time.

YOU ABSOLUTELY DID NOT deserve any of this but we can work through this later.

For now you need to get physically safe.

Go to Centrelink and explain your situation (they phoned the Social Worker for me and I spoke with her over their phone).
They can assist you on THEIR computers with all payments etc etc.

AND or book 30 min slots at the public library for any online work you have to do eg opening a new bank account - can be done online with bank you already have with no more paperwork - mine can anyway.

All you have to say to anyone at this point is "I'm homeless because of DV and I can't talk about it right now".
Learn that phrase and shut ppl down if they ask more questions.

Love EM

[Ggrand]

Dearest Emo..

Youre father sounds like he was a wonderful person...Its so had to live without our loved ones...Always remember sweetheart that you can still talk to him, through your heart where you have his love tucked away safely..

You are so right in saying that being emotionally abused stays longer with us...Maybe through our lives, once our souls have been hurt..it’s so hard to heal it...Broken bones, bruises etc..heals in time..the soul is another thing altogether...Even now after 7 years, the fear, degrading, and their words continually lives on in my brain....After this is over sweetheart..and you have somewhere safe to stay..Please can you reach out for a trauma counsellor...your Dr. should know one..

Emo...Maybe if you turned up at your mums homes, and explained your situation..do you think she will let you stay with her until you are all sorted with accommodation and Centrelink payments.?...., at least until you are well enough to care for yourself...I would hate to think my children were in an abusive relationship which put them in hospital...serious injured which needed surgery and was to afraid to come to me for help...I don’t know your mum..but I would hope that she wouldn’t turn you away.....I am not trying to persuade you either way honey, but it’s safer then being on the streets or with your husband....

Here when I can be for you dear Emo..

Sitting next to you and holding your hand..Your a very courageous lady...and I admire you the way your trying so hard...Warm hugs dear friend..🤗💜..with my love and care.

Grandy...

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

"I've stopped hoping to hear about some accommodation as the hope of
that is making me sad. I need to get used to living on the streets, it's
not so bad as the nights are luckily warmer than when I was living in
my car"

I hope you can be more proactive in finding accommodation and not settle for homelessness as a long term prospect.

• If not tried already, serviceseeker.com.au will list every support service around your area.

1. click Advanced Search
2. enter dv support in the first field box,
3. and your postcode in the relevant field below. (thanks 1800RESPECT)

• You should be able to collect personal items (documents, clothes, accessories) with supervised access (police, neighbour, or kind stranger/welfare officer) - picking up your car would be nice also.
• You could rightfully request access to your home without your husband being present (would that mean taking out an AVO, EM?) - again, supervision would be preferable. Okay, your mum won't provide shelter, but would she accompany you to your house to avert any elevation of tensions, or at least be some disincentive?
• Without talking on the phone, you might prefer to communicate with your husband via email and negotiate access/funds/bills/taxes without crossing paths - it is in his interests not to fall into debt for unpaid bills. You can still interact without being physically together - printed words may also be more objectively responded to.

Although keeping your distance is the best strategy, obtaining things you need to survive would ease your struggles a little until you find accommodation and services.

BTW, if you get your phone, simply block his number to avoid succumbing...

Stay safe and alert, Emo, we are all here for you.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama and others,

I'm sorry but this post will be a short one as I'm not feeling very well today. I wanted to say that I am so grateful to everyone for reaching out to me and offering me some great advice. I will reply to everyone when I'm feeling better. The advice is very welcome as I'm trying to think of things I can do but I'm limited in what I can do due to a lack of any money or other resources. Your suggestions seem to be answers to my prayers. I'm completely out of food so I haven't eaten today but I'm hoping I can get some help with that on Monday when organisations open up again. I'm really trying to reach out for help but I'm getting very tired. I'm not trying to get used to being homeless, I think I said the wrong thing but I'm just tired of fighting anymore.

I'm having to fight to have a place to live, get food, get medicine, get money. I'm sick of having to be tough to save myself. I just want someone to come and save me. I'm just so tired. I feel like what's the point as my life will never be the same again. I'm just really tired and hungry and cold. I know I need to keep fighting but I'm just not sure what I'm fighting for anymore. My marriage will be over, I don't have a job, I don't have anywhere to live. It's hard to find purpose in going on with my life when I feel like I have nothing left. I just need help in finding the strength to carry on reaching out for help. It just becomes too much sometimes, I'm really trying but it takes so much energy to keep fighting.

Regards,

Emo.