Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I didn't mean anything by my last comment about your last reply. I just meant that you always know what to say to me to truly make me think. I really appreciate your 5 steps you listed in your reply. I saw number 5 and I laughed. There will be no money left now as he will have drunk all of the money away. I never got any money for myself. The money was all controlled by him. I made it and he spent it. I wouldn't really care about the money anymore if I can just be safe again. Your mother sounds like she was an amazing woman, I wish she had met my husband.

You have given me a lot to think about. My big issue which I'm still struggling with now is the feeling of worthlessness. I feel so bad about myself. I contacted 1800Respect just a few minutes ago. They tried to help by giving me a phone number to call but that is only a part of what I need. I need to work on my confidence to build myself up to feel that I don't deserve to be beaten and that I'm not as worthless as he says I am. My mind is causing me so much anguish. I just feel like the only way to end the pain I am experiencing is to just let him abuse me so badly that he ends my life. It just hurts me so much to think that someone who is supposed to love me could inflict such pain on me.

I wish I was able to just think straight without the constant torment I'm experiencing. I just want to have it all, a loving husband, a safe place to live, no abuse. I just want to be loved, safe and protected, is that too much to ask?

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for continuing to let us know how you are doing. It's great you reached out to 1800RESPECT. That was very brave of you and you should be proud of yourself for doing that. We encourage you to continue reaching out to support services to help you through moments of overwhelm and distress. You touched on a very important point when you said that you need to work on your confidence to believe that you don't deserve to be abused. We hope that you will work towards this by keeping yourself safe by staying at the hospital and talking to a social worker to discuss safe options after discharge. Please continue to speak with support services such as 1800Respect and seeking in-person counseling to help you build strength, resilience and confidence that you are indeed worthy of a safe life free from abuse.

We are here for you and supporting you in your journey.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

You said; " I just want to have it all, a loving husband, a safe place to live, no abuse".

Those words come from within you, they are your truth and are achievable. I've proud that you are thinking this way.

Except one thing you must also realise is that you will never find this in your current situation. You are in a cycle of abuse and I don't think that will ever change.

Having some time at the hospital is lovely because you finally have some freedom away from your abuser. You've had some time to think and know what you want.

" I need to work on my confidence to build myself up to feel that I don't deserve to be beaten and that I'm not as worthless as he says I am."

You're exactly right. I'm so proud you are thinking this way. You do need to work on these things and you can.

I believe abuse can turn the strongest, most capable woman into a complete mess. But she doesn't have to remain there. She can pick herself up again in time, but the hardest part of all, is leaving.

She can only truely recover when she decides enough is enough. Once you leave there is no turning back. That is music to my ears because you will be able to live your truth then and have something in your life. You will have your money again and not be dependant upon an abuser.

Never forget what came from within you;
" I just want to have it all, a loving husband, a safe place to live, no abuse."

These are " life" words...
Forget the words, " the only way to end the pain I'm experiencing is to just let him abuse me so badly that he ends my life".

No, no, no...

Never think like this, remove those words from your vocabulary, they are extremely self defeating.

Instead dream of your new life. A brand new life, without your current husband. It is the only way you will be safe and free from abuse.

And I KNOW deep down you WANT this...we all want this for you. X

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Never fear, I know your last comment was illustrative of impact, but I am trying to cut through that hardened shell of yours when those thoughts fill your head and take over rational behaviour.

Hey, number 5, - that's the first time you have laughed! (first of many, I hope, as you overcome). Okay, probably a cynical chuckle over predictable behaviour from husband, but it's good that you can see things from 'outside the box'. I think it is important for self esteem to have control over your own earnings and to distribute as you see fit (even if it is just paying the bills).

"I just feel like the only way to end the pain I am experiencing is to just let him abuse me so badly that he ends my life" - Although this could be your impression of ultimate retribution against your husband, the price is too high, and he may not have the emotional capacity to carry remorse for his actions in any case. No, he is not worth enough to sacrifice your life - losing a queen for the sake of a pawn? Your chess game really needs improvement!
All the things you want, "loving husband, a safe place to live, no abuse. I just want to be loved, safe and protected", are all freely attainable but cannot be fabricated in denial and merely hoping things change. You must be that change and pursue your dreams on your terms - a loving husband would be supportive of your expectations for individuality and respect. Ask? No, seek, and accept no less.

I am optimistic for you, Emo.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for reaching out to me. Today is a very bad day. I thought talking again to the social worker would be best for me but it wasn't. This time I was talking to a male, the first time it was a female. She was so comforting but it felt so awkward trying to talk to him. It felt like he was taking my husbands side from the start of the conversation. He just kept asking me questions like if I think he meant to do it, was I still going to honour my vows, could I just discuss our issues and go back to him.

That was the worse things for me to hear as I'm already questioning whether he really means to hurt me and maybe I should just put up with it. I'm more confused than ever. I guess I should just go back to my husband and have things return to what I'm used to. I just hoped to get some help with my options once I leave the hospital which I'm terrified of doing as I'm worried that if I go home to him he will be very angry with me for being away from him, I don't feel like I got any help. I've got no money to support myself but as long as I can get my car and car keys back from him I could go back to living in the car. I don't know what to do, it just seems too much for me to deal with.

I'm barely sleeping as I'm so worried about what I should do. I'm becoming so stressed. I'm trying to give myself time to recover from my injuries and procedures but I need to forget about getting any rest until I can sort out what I will do. I shouldn't complain as I'm not completely homeless, I can always go back to my husband. Maybe I should just accept my fate and stop fighting against it.

I'm struggling to find any hope, it feels like I'm sinking into a pit. I'm not sure what extra help 1800Respect can offer me so maybe I should contact SafeSteps, another organisation for some help. I know I can't do it by myself as I'm unable to protect myself from going back to what I'm used to. I need to get whatever help there is available as it's important that I make the right decision. I'm not sure if the social worker is helpful for me anymore. I'd better get some rest now if I can, it's just too much for me. I need to get some peace.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We're so sorry to hear that you've had such a negative experience with a male social worker at the hospital. We know that these negative experiences can be experienced as really discouraging and we empathise with how hard it must have been to hear the kinds of things this person was saying.

We would strongly urge that you try not to take his words or attitude to heart - it might be best to ask for the first social worker you spoke to, or ask for a female social worker. It makes sense that you will need a lot of support and advice on what steps you will need to take after being discharged from hospital to stay away from your husband and keep safe. It's great to hear that you're thinking of reaching out to SafeSteps and we would really encourage you to do so. 

We want to reiterate how strong we think you are - you have been facing some of the most difficult challenges that life can throw at you, and you are taking all of the steps towards finding some peace that you need to. Well done, Emo. Even in the face of some extra challenges like unhelpful workers, you are keeping strong and doing so well. We hope you get some rest.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

You are certainly being tested, and I think those questions were just being read from his 1st Year Study Guide! Take no notice. But you may have missed a positive from that experience nonetheless...

Do you realise you have actually challenged the questions that sided with your husband? This is very different to the 'just accept it' Emo, who would have nodded along taking all the blame upon herself. Think about this - you were confronted and horrified by the very notion. I am impressed!

Sadly, you are doubting yourself again, but reflect on what you have achieved for a moment - you believed your version of things over someone dictating what to think. Next time (whomever you encounter), be sure to stand up for what you want - speak aloud what you feel and don't be afraid of the speaking the truth.

Those silly questions would have ceased the moment you offered just some of the graphic details to illuminate the hapless counsellor - yes, sometimes you just need to speak up for yourself too.

Clear your head of the nonsense filling it again, and stay true to your original course.

Take back control, Emo.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

I'm sorry for my late reply. I'm not sure where to start. I've luckily had the kind nurse I've had another night come in to see me. She told me that my social worker from today has changed my protective order to allow my husband to visit me. I'm sick of fighting against fate. Maybe I'm just supposed to go back to him.

I tried to see if I could get some help with my Centrelink payment process. There's nothing they can do. I need to talk to my husband to get his details so I can lodge my claim. I also need to talk to him to get his details to lodge our taxes as I normally do them for us. I'd forgotten about it with my Dad's death.

I'm really struggling with my dads death today. I wish I was with him. I want to just talk to him. Maybe it would be easier if I was with my dad. I'm too tired to fight my husband anymore. I've tried to reach out for help from other organisations but its just becoming too much for me.

I don't care what happens to me any more. I give up. I've tried to be strong and brave and keep fighting for safety and freedom but I'm just going to let whatever happens to me to just happen. Everything's just causing me so much pain. I just want the pain to end. I can't cope anymore. I've tried but I can't fight fate. I'm so sorry.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We understand how disheartening it must feel to continue to face these challenges while you are trying to keep yourself safe. We can hear that you are feeling exhausted and it is understandable that you would feel like giving up but we want to remind you that you are worthy of a life free from abuse. We strongly encourage you to continue to reach out for support when you are feeling like this as you do not have to navigate this space alone. 

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I appreciate you reaching out to me but I'm a lost cause. I just can't do this anymore. I felt like I was going ok but now it feels like I'm going backwards. I'm going to sign myself out of hospital and just wander the streets for a while as I'm not quite ready to go back to my husband and the abuse just yet. I won't have free internet like I do in the hospital so I may not be able to reply very often but I have appreciated everyone's support. I feel like I'm letting everyone down but I'm too tired to fight any more. I just truly miss my dad as well. I know what would make me truly happy and that is being with my dad again. I'm trying to find a reason to go on so I don't join him yet but I'm losing that fight as well. I'm just in so much pain, I want the pain to end. I'm just so tired of fighting. I'm sorry I've truly tried.

Regards,

Emo.