Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I know it sounds ridiculous (that's bureaucracy for you), but if your husband is your only contact, then they are obligated to notify. But that doesn't mean any more than the official responsibility to have a representative. It will neither exonerate your husband's liabilities, nor permit him to remove you from care.

Under the circumstances, you will remain safe in hospital and I seriously doubt you will be sent home to your abuser - particularly when you express no desire to do so. Your safety shall not be in jeopardy, and I am sure your husband (given his reluctance to come forward recently) will be considering his own efficacy in doing so.

Also, for the hospital, they must protect their interests should complications arise in your medical procedures. Do not fret, as the hospital knows your situation and will have protections in place (possibly the police have already been notified as well).

Leave it in the capable hands of the hospital and rest - you will not be harmed under their care.

Regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I've had a terrible day, I'm so confused. I've been trying to rest most of the day due to the pain. I'm barely sleeping as I've been so emotional. I'm too scared to sleep as the bad dreams I've been having are so vivid and real. They're like reenactments of the abuse, it makes me remember the horrific things he has done to me. I just want to forget the abuse but the dreams won't go away. I'm too scared to sleep as my husbands been given my hospital room number. I'm terrified that he'll come into my room and start to abuse me.

I was resting earlier today and I was a bit groggy as the medication is fairly strong. I wasn't thinking clearly so I didn't question when the nurse handed me the phone and said someone's on the phone to talk to me. As soon as I answered the phone I knew who it was, it was my husband. I can't lie, when I first answered the phone I was excited to hear his voice. I guess I missed him. He's been a part of my life for almost 20 years. He started to talk very sweetly to me then he started to threaten me and he said if I want to keep the things he's forced me to do to him a secret I need to come home to him. I'm supposed to sign myself out like he has made me do before. I asked for the forms to sign myself out but I have been lying in my bed staring at the papers not sure what to do for hours now.

I know I need to go back home to him or everyone will know what I've been made to do. I can't have everyone know my shame. I have to go home now don't I? I'm so confused. I've tried to talk to someone about it here but the social workers not back on duty until Monday. I won't be able to make it until then. I'm thinking of going home now. I know it's late but the sooner I get home to him the quicker I can get the abuse over with. He'll get tired of abusing me after a few hours I hope. Maybe I've known all along that I need to go home to him. I'm sure he'll regret abusing me after he does it. I'm not sure if I can take more abuse right now. I'm still so sore from the last lot of abuse. Maybe I need to just get it over and done with and let him do what he wants to do to me. I feel like I don't care if he takes my life as its not much of a life anyway. I was going really well until his phone call. He's turned me into an emotional mess who doesn't see the point in anything anymore. I'm so sad. I'm trying to fight the urge to go back to him but I'm losing the fight. I'm too tired to fight.

Regards,

Emo

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We are so sorry you’re having such a difficult time dealing with pain and the emotional distress over being in contact with your husband. As tranzcrybe said you are safe while in the hospital and the hospital will not send you back to an abusive situation if they are aware of it and if you don’t desire to return there. We urge you to hang in there at least until you can speak to a social worker. It is very important that you stay in a safe environment and protect yourself. If you have access to a phone, please call 1800 RESPECT to have a chat with a counsellor who can also guide you further in your situation and will also be able to provide you with the emotional support and strength that you need right now.

Although it feels confusing right now, please know you are absolutely worthy of a life free from abuse. We are here for you and hope you will stay safe.

Please do keep letting us know how you are doing, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[monkey_magic]

Hi,

It sounds like the harm he has caused you all these years has really sent you on a downward mental spiral.
It sounds like you don't care what happens to you anymore, which isn't good.

You've lost sight of wanting to fight for your rights and life and are easily manipulated by him. You are a puppet on his strings.

You seemed to be doing much better before the contact which is even more reason why you shouldn't even speak to him, let alone see him. I'm not blaming you for taking the call, you were groggy on medication and vulnerable.

Do U have any family members or friends you could call that can come keep you company at the hospital. You don't have to tell them all your "shame" I just think some outside support could help you feel less alone and vulnerable.

I think the pattern of abuse has become your norm and it's really hard for you to stop thinking of going back even though you know he could take your life.

" I don't care if he takes my life, as it's not much of a life anyway"

He has stolen all the beauty and love around you and left you broken and battered and you can't seem to see a future for yourself without him in it.
I think this is one of the most serious problems I have heard of.

No one in their right mind would go back to that punishment or want that as their fate. Emo, you are not of the right mind. If you were you would want to survive and want your life back.

You need to help yourself, or have other people make decisions for you.

I'm afraid for your safety.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Tear up those forms.

Your thoughts are corrupted and your body is screaming at you to listen. Your dreams are forcing you to acknowledge the facts - as painful as they are, neither deny nor shun them. Do not listen to your husband again. What he tells you is not out of love for you, he thinks only of himself.

The "EVERYONE" you mention is not really everyone is it? You are referring to YOU and your acceptance of reality for how you see yourself now along with much self blame for what you accepted back then. It's not pleasant, and you want to deny the truth. Hanging on to this delusion is like catching a cloud.

Abuse is a web of lies and deception you are a victim of manipulation and degradation. If you re-read your last post the contradictions will astound:

"[Dreams] They're like reenactments of the abuse, it makes me remember the horrific things he has done to me."

"I was excited to hear his voice. I guess I missed him."

Do not trust your thoughts, Emo. Stay where you are until you get the help you need.

Regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

I'm so grateful for your reply as it has helped me to realise that I'm in a vicious pattern of abuse, almost a cycle of abuse. I get abused by him then I feel like how could I let it happen, then I feel like I deserve more abuse for the fact that I didn't fight back. I feel like I deserve being punished for letting him abuse me. My mind is so warped by the abuse that I don't feel like I care anymore.

It's what I'm used to as I'm stuck in this pattern. I wonder if I unconsciously want him to end my life as I can't stop the pain he is inflicting on me, I deserve to be punished. I'm stuck in my cycle but I'm not sure how to stop it. How did this happen? I used to want to live, how did I stop caring? There must be some way out of this, there must be a better life for me. I'm so confused.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Your reply felt like a punch in my stomach as you're absolutely right. My dreams are happening for a reason. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to face them. I didn't tear up the forms as I'd signed them and I'd ticked the spots where I acknowledged that I was leaving against medical advice and that it was my choice to leave, but was it really my choice or not?

I had it all ready to go and I was waiting for them to come and I fell asleep before they came. Maybe I unconsciously wanted to not have to hand over the forms and leave. I deep down want to be safe but I'm scared of going back eventually to him and being hurt very badly. I don't really know what I want. I'm so confused.

The hospital staff know that I'm being abused by my husband but they are still letting him contact me. I can't cope with talking to him as I'm so vulnerable. I would do anything he says as I'm so tired and mentally exhausted.

I've asked the staff to please not let him talk to me. I can't protect myself. I need to be shut down from talking to anyone as I'm so vulnerable. I'd better go as I'm supposed to be having more tests shortly, I'm still having medical issues. I just need to keep myself focused on getting better both mentally and physically. Thank you for your reply I really truly appreciate it.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

It sounds like you're taking some important steps in keeping yourself safe, including not handing over the papers and asking the staff not to let him contact you, which is really strong of you. It's great to hear that you want to focus on getting better mentally and physically, and we think that remaining in the hospital is the safest place for you right now. We can hear how exhausted and confused you're feeling, but please know that we're all here for you, and you don't have to go through this alone. We'd also really urge you to reach out to the counsellors at 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or through webchat at: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome to talk through these feelings and they can help you with a plan to keep safe and protected. 

We hope that you are able to get some rest after your next tests and please know that you deserve to live free from this abuse and fear. You're an important member of our forums, and we hope that you continue to feel supported by our community and the great advice they share.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm trying to be strong even though my feelings are tormenting me. I've put in an official request to be kept protected from any visitors via phone or physical visits during my hospital stay. I didn't realise there was such a thing but I need it to protect me from my husband and myself from wanting to contact him.

I felt like such a failure for thinking of going back to him. I'm not strong enough to keep myself safe from him. I'm about to contact 1800Respect and talk to one of their counsellors. I need help to get the proper steps to safely put a plan into place for my safety. I also need help with my feelings towards him as I need to start to feel like I'm worth more than being his punching bag.

I'm really trying to help myself, I'm just so confused. I hope that the counsellor can help me. I truly appreciate everyone's care and support and their concern about me. I've never felt so cared for. It really helps me to feel like I matter and that I'm not only just hated by my husband. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

The last thing I would want to do is add to your suffering; nevertheless, I will not apologise for my lack of tact for as long as you remain smitten with the fanciful notion of leaving hospital in your present condition - physically and mentally.

1. Allow yourself time in hospital to completely heal from your operations, and indulge in the rest you need for a full recovery (avoid all contact with your abuser)
2. Seek the comfort and clarity you require from counsel and begin to see things objectively
3. Resolve your inner mental turmoil to understand you are not responsible for receiving abuse under any circumstances and are worthy and deserving of love and respect at all times
4. Reclaim your self respect and have courage to say to your abuser: "No More!", finally dismissing the lies you have been sold once and for all.
5. Take back the money you have earned (and buy yourself something nice :- ))

Once you are truly well again, you are free to choose your destiny with a new confidence and understanding of the power within you - should a hand ever be raised toward you, stand tall and glare down into his cowardly eyes. The fact that you allow him to remain shall be at your behest.

My mother was a very strong woman (yet petite in stature) and woe unto any who chose to lock horns with her in a verbal stoush - I'd hate to see how humiliatingly easy she would have brought your husband to his knees (honestly, no foe was beyond defeat!)

Rest and recover - do not yield to your weakness.

Kind regards,

t.