Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your suggestion of a PTSD therapist. It’s almost impossible to get a counsellor in my home town as no one wants to take on new clients. I hadn’t looked for this particular type of therapist so maybe I might be able to get into see someone in this field.

I’m currently sitting in my car for safety but it’s turned freezing cold which it will be for most of the week. I normally sleep in my car to try to keep myself safe as nights are when he’s at his worst. It’s so cold that I think I’ll have to go inside. I’m too tired to protect myself any more. He’s also been drinking alcohol most of the day which normally increases his anger.

I’m sorry I shouldn’t be sharing this information as I’m supposed to keep what happens to me a secret. It’s my private shame. I can’t delay going inside for too much longer as I’m starting to shiver from the cold. Wish me luck as I can only hope for the best. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Emo,

Do not go inside. Go to the police station and tell them everything. They can organise for you to go to a refuge where you can sleep in peace. Please protect yourself sweety.

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m not sure why people are being so kind to me and seem to truly care for me when I really don’t believe I deserve it. I’m sorry for bothering you with my problems when other people have more serious problems than mine. I’ve coped with being abused all these years so I should just be able to cope with him doing it again but I can’t.

The loss of my dad has pushed me over the edge and made me realise that I’m all alone now without my dads support. He never knew anything about the abuse, no one did. It’s my secret to keep to myself, what would I do if people knew about what is happening to me?

Maybe my husband is right in saying that I’m lucky to have him. Now I’m unable to have children he’s all I’ve got. I need to just accept everything in my mind that’s he’s done to me. I need to just be grateful for what I’ve got. I don’t know of any other refuges besides the one in my home town so that’s not an option. I just need to stay with him as I still love him. No one else would want me. I’m sorry I’m struggling with feeling like I deserve anything better.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

Yes life is a journey and you do have to accept everything he has done to you.

No one can cope with what he is doing again and again.

You don't need to know of another refuge because the police should know. Go to them, please.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Emo, 

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are sorry you are experiencing such hard times at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 
 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or 1800RESPECT (avilable 24/7/365 on 1800 737 732). The service provides counselling and support  for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. If you are concerned for your safety at any point, you must contact triple zero for immediate assistance. Please so keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

Thank you for your concern but I’ve got to go back inside. If I go to the police my husband might get into trouble and he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t mean to do it or at least I hope he doesn’t mean to hurt me.

I’ve delayed going in as long as I can but I’m frozen solid right now. I just want to get warm. I won’t worry you with what he does to me as I deserve it. Thank you for your concern. If he gets really violent I will get myself to my car and lock myself in.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I wanted to update you but I have to be quick as I’m back inside with my husband. I said I needed a drink so I’ve got a few minutes. He was quite angry but he didn’t hurt me too badly as I promised I would do anything he wanted me to do. He’s quite drunk so I’m hoping he will pass out drunk shortly. I’d better get back to him.

I’ll try to reply again later today if I can. I know I can get through this as I feel like I have people in these forums who care about me. I’m finally no longer on my own. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[geoff]

Hello Emo, and I'm really sorry for not replying earlier but pleased you have had great support and condolences for your father passing away.

The marriage vows 'for better, for worse----'to love and to cherish', have not been carried out in millions of marriages and ended in separation or divorce, much to the disappointment but more so the pleasure for many people all for different reasons with abuse being the main contributor.

Emo you can not pretend to believe that 'he doesn't mean to' or 'hope he doesn’t mean to hurt me' has to be questioned, simply because you're afraid, and even if you actually do what he says, there will still be something wrong.

You can't live with this fear, it's stopping you from developing any improvement, and please remember that any success is the quality of your journey, excuses are not permitted.

Please take care.

Geoff.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Hope you were safe and warm last night and that your husband's intoxication was severe enough for him to pass out. But this attribute is yet another can of worms for your safety - alcohol fuelled rage is beyond any self restraint from the aggressor; and even if he was the most loving husband on earth, he will not be in his own mind, being unlikely to remember the horrors inflicted in his delirium.

I appreciate your feelings that familiarity (with all that entails) is preferable to the unknown (with many unexplored horizons) - the expression "it's better the devil you know" may apply to your present frame of mind. Could we examine the life your are leading?

• You have a job, but does your husband also have gainful employment?
• You sleep in the car while your husband has a warm house and comfortable bed;
• You serve your husband and meet his high expectations, how are you pampered in return?
• What are some of your personal interests/hobbies that give you an outlet?
• What activities are mutually shared (holidays, dining out, entertainment)?
• You accept his psychological and physical abuse, and offer no resistance or reprisal.

These questions are for your consideration only (not an interrogation) to help evaluate your place in the marriage. Ideally, you would find an equal distribution of give and take - how did you score?

And then, have you contemplated (rather than feared) a future of independence? As many have suggested, there are so many support services for gaining self confidence and control of your life - you would not be alone (as you are not alone here).

Take care, Emo.

Kind regards,

t.

[Ggrand]

Hello Emo...

I am so pleased that you feel not so alone now honey, because we are here for you...as we are..but we are here and you are there, we cannot be physically there to help to protect you from the abuse your husband is doing to you...and that hurts me...

You cannot continue to sleep nightly in your car to feel safe from harm...This is so wrong...You are entitled to a warm bed, access to coffee, food, drinks etc.without feeling fear from him....I have been there Emo...I know and can feel that fear you are feeling....Please believe me, when I say he won’t stop, it will continue to get worse, he will destroy your soul...I am really scared for you..

Please reach out for help, to those numbers our lovely Sophie has given you ..We care about you.,and want to help you so very much...but can only suggest to what what to do, listen to you and be here for you...

Emo...if your friend came to you and said she is in the same position as you are...What you you say to her?...Please Emo, say the same to you...and then take action to protect yourself by move away, get a DVO out on him, and go to a women’s refuge or better still the police, who will help you by putting you in touch with services in your area that help you...Please try very hard to do this..to protect yourself from him..and with help to get emergency accommodation..

You have a job, which is good as it’s a way to support yourself financially...Think of you..not your abusive husband..he is a monster..he won’t miss probably be angry with you..but I’m sure he will soon find himself another victim...to groom and attend all of his needs...

Im sorry I am so harsh in my words honey..but as I said earlier..I am scared for you...

Please Emo..you are not a slave..who has to sleep in your car for protection...Your a beautiful person who deserves a beautiful life...

Sending you my care, and very kind thoughts..Please look after you and stay safe..

Grandy..